The Silent Cartographer

Yet Another Year

2012-01-12T12:48:00.003+08:00

I probably should have posted this a week or two back, but didn't get around to do it. Regardless, here it is, a faithful port from my Facebook note. :D

~~~

When the end of a year rolls around, it's pretty amazing and scary at the same time. An assortment of thoughts will no doubt flood through the tiny little human head, thinking of what had been done the past year, what was missed and of course what could have been. Then the new year resolutions will start to formulate themselves, and the requisite plegdes to honor those resolutions will also begin their shaky, twisting journey through the year.

This note will be one such resolution: to pen down what I have accomplished at the end of each year.

Thinking back, 2011 was really a roller coaster ride of varied emotions. Life itself wasn't particularly tough nor harrowing, in fact, it was pretty gracious in that it opened and reopened several new outlets to my sphere of existence (more on that in a bit). It was the mental exercise that has always plagued my logic circuitry, the tendency to overthink a matter to the point of self-absorption relative to its impact on my immediate or even delayed environment. Then again, it is this thinking process that governs my being, and has long been a crucial and even vital element that defines my person, however flawed it may be.

2011 was the year that I completed all course requirements for my degree programme, which means that I have sort of graduated from the tertiary journey I began almost 1.5 years ago. The fact that I managed to maintain decent grades while juggling both a full-time job and evening classes gave me a little boost in the confidence department, which has been losing staff in recent times.

This particular job I took during my entire degree stint also broke a personal record: the longest period of being a full-time staff at a single company. Throughout the 13 months at NYP, I learned a great deal about it's sector of business, the way our education system operates and of course the perks and hazards of the working world. While not exactly a permanent staff of the institution, I was still exposed to a lion's share of office politics and shenanigans, which forced me to learn on the job and take the necessary action. In short, working made me "deal with it", my most-used and most-parodied mantra yet.

NYP also expanded my social sphere, blessing me with a bunch of younger kids who are a blast to be with. Working with them made the dreadful time pass faster, and although we had our differences in opinion and character, we managed to sort things out and come out of our disagreements maintaining the status quo, or even with an improvement to the current relations. I wish for all of them to be happy and cheerful, and please remember this uncle with whom you worked with for the better part of 2011.

Even if I like writing, it didn't occur to me that the things I say would be important or even noticeable enough to be put on the national press. Let's face it, Singapore is too small a country to differentiate our media by regions or towns: every form of traditional media here in our tiny island is national press. I wrote in to Today four times in 2011, and each letter was published in either the online format or print format. The very first article I wrote in made the "headline letter" section in the edition of Today it was published in, and it sure made me feel glad. Apart from Today, one of my letters was also sent to The Straits Times, who phoned me and said that my letter was being considered for publication. Even if it did not make it into the eventual edition of the newspaper, being considered was good enough - it is like being nominated for an Oscar award, your merit has been recognised by some higher deciding power.

2011 also showed me the reality of the world: the SCAPE fiasco brought some cold hard truths to bear. There really exists people in the world who would just leave a commitment behind and expect it to be better three months later. Even if no tangible reward is available to those directly involved in the project, at least afford us some god-damned gratitude: we don't slog our lives away after our daytime commitments to be given reprimand - if I'd wanted that kind of treatment I would have signed on with the army. The only silver lining in this dark cloud were the true friends who rose through the darkness and pulled through together, while disregarding several undeserving imbeciles unworthy of my attention and respect. In all, 2011 both forged and destroyed friendships, for all reasons on the spectrum.

If there is to be a defining event in 2011 that overshadows all others, it will be my month-long trip to the United States of America. By itself, the event shattered a number of records: destroying my slight fear of flying, demolishing my fear of traveling, eradicating my fear of living together with people apart from my family and close friends, obliterating my fear of life in the USA and of course removing my fear of not adapting to a different environment. The trip also marked my first forary out of our sandy shores in probably a decade, and is also the longest period of time I have stayed alone overseas.

The trip proved to be a fruitful one, exposing my senses to a non-Singaporean environment and really being an absolute eye-opener. Halfway throughout the trip I felt like the proverbial frog in the well, narrowed educated but slowly creeping out of my comfort zone to learn more. Living alone abroad posed a significant number of challenges, but I made it through without dire eventualities or causes of concern, so that is an absolute plus.

Snapping photographs during my journey in the USA also opened my doors to the beautiful world of digital photography. A camera's ability to capture a that specific sequence, to crystalise that Moment, is really a remarkable invention. To me, photographs serve as, well, photographic evidence and hence memories of whoever and wherever I had the chance to snap pictures of, and memories are things I truly treasure.

On the social front, I seem to still have slight problems conversing with members of the opposite gender. Perhaps the stigma from the previous downfall is still making its latent presence felt, perhaps some innate barrier or protective device is in place to safeguard me from another devastating Fall. Or maybe I am just not ready, despite my insistent statements otherwise. Regardless, better my own heart shattered than anyone else's, they don't have to pay for my own emotional transgressions.

There, I think that should just about cover it. I haven't accomplished much in terms of hard skills, but my softer skills have seen a drastic tempering from work, school and everything else in between.Yes, I still have some ways to go in almost every asepct, but there's no rushing it, these things take time to cement.

In the meantime, I'll deal with it. :)

Happy 2012 everyone, may your paths through this year be paved with polished ivory and bright lit with efficient lamps. :D

Check

2011-09-14T16:41:00.002+08:00

Like the passing of a comet through our tiny solar system, my blog posts come and well, don't come, as they please, largely dependent on whether the intellect behind them is in the mood to pen down a post, the state of his emotional well-being or whether he has ranked and prioritzed blogging as imperative over all other things currently within his wide-reaching purview.

Fortunately, this is one such time.

It's been almost three months since the kids left, leaving the office many degrees more silent, and very much colder. Without their energy and personalities to punctuate the drudgery of everyday work, the office is merely an empty construct, devoid of feeling, thought or emotion. It feels as if time had been reversed back to a year ago, when I first set foot on the gray carpeted floor and weaved through the labyrinth of faux wood furniture. I was alone then, and it feels like I'm alone now as well, especially if my only other colleague is manning the front desk.

Sometimes I wonder, how did I survive so long in this place, performing a whole assortment of tasks for a meager paycheck and to put myself through seemingly unnecessary turmoil and torture? I could have easily gone for a full-time degree programme, eradicating the need or feasibility of having a job. But who is going to pay for the car's petrol, ERP, road tax and other associated fees? Who is going to pay for the DSLR? Who is going to pay for my hobby expenditure?

No one, but myself.

I know myself well enough to understand that in order for me to not atrophy into dust by having too much free time on my hands, I have to be put through my paces and challenged, for activity and having stuff to do is the primary source of my being, my fuel if you will. Granted, at times I wish for nothing on my plate, but those periods are rare and fleeting.

Therefore, this work-school arrangement is most optimal for my current and future development, and is a model I will probably adopt to other scenarios if applicable.

On a side note, I thought of this new theory to characterize the process which always finds its way into my blog posts. I call it: the Germ Theory of Affection.

As with all diseases, it starts with a single germ, and this particular germ represents the YY-chromosomed individual who ventured into my system. The germ will be classified as the X-Strain, where X is the name of the individual. As the virus matures and multiplies, my systems start to falter, and eventually I succumb to the full might of the germ, laying my heart bare and ripe for the taking.

If the Strain is strong enough, it would succeed, otherwise, it would withdraw and go into remission. In the event that a particular Strain actually gains control of my heart, a team of specialists and experts will have to pull me from the brink of disaster, and I would have to fight tooth and nail to repress the condition myself. Generally, I would make it and see the next sunrise, but like all superviruses, each Strain will never be wholly obliterated from my systems, they will merely be in remission, awaiting the opportune moment to strike again.

Waiting for the moment to spring a devastating and unexpected relapse.

Even if the Strain isn't particularly damaging or developed, any form of assault on my systems is still considerable, and repeated action would quickly wear down any defenses raised and penetrate my shields. As for the more hi-level Strains, well, let's just say that all it takes is a single touch to take my life.

The Strain which had been in remission and suppression for the past year has awoken yesterday, but it is still weak, still reeling from the pressure put on it the last time it wreaked havoc. Nonetheless, it is now active, but I am biding my time, looking to see how this particular Strain will develop.

We shall see.

Feed the fish kids.

The Degeneration

2011-07-11T20:16:00.003+08:00

It is at once scary and also saddening to note that as human beings age, their bodily systems slow to a perceptible crawl, their reflexes slowly but surely grind to a lower new constant and their mental faculties start to falter. Out of the three however, the slowing of the mind and its associated capabilities brings about the most difficulty and anguish, to the person experiencing it as well as to the people unfortunate enough to be around him/her when the brain cells start to die for good.

My grandmother is undergoing that stage right now, having lived vicariously through the deity of gambling for the past eight decades, and then some. Still, she is going strong, and according to one over-enthusiastic and retrospectively irresponsible doctor, healthier than a person ten years younger. If you ask me, she's a bit too strong, to the point that she is exhibiting signs of emotional displacement and displaying severe violent tendencies to her immediate family members.

Three times within a week, she wound up in three different police stations, after running away from home (yes at her goddamned age) due to trivial and wholly unnecessary squabbles with my family members - primarily my Dad - over the maid who had been employed for the sole reason to care for her. What is wrong with just sitting there on the sofa, watching TV and having someone to take care of your every need? Sounds like an awesome time, but then again I'm not grandma.

Everyday she tries to find fault with the maid, picks fights with her which almost always degenerates to forceful stoppage and loud shouting from both sides of the conflict. The innocent citizen - the maid - bears the brunt of the damage, and is powerless to do anything about it, although she knows that everyone in the family except grandma is protecting her. Yet, we cannot be in the house all day, all the time, and truth be told, I am beginning to DREAD coming back to the house, for fear of history, especially last Friday's event, repeating itself.

There I was, in the cinema at Iluma watching Transformers 3 for the second time with my OCU classmates when a flurry of messages from my sister came in, saying that grandma went crazy again and Dad is on his way to the hospital because of a deep cut caused by a fall with grandma when the two of them were struggling. Again, it was because of the maid, or rather, grandma tried to attack the maid when she was just minding her own business, and Dad (and his confrontational character) tried to stop her and shake some sense into grandma. I believe one or the other lost balance and both of them fell to the floor, and Dad cut his forehead on one of the sofa's sharp corners. According to eyewitnesses, a lot of blood was seen on the ground after the incident, and Mom had to accompany Dad to the TTSH A&E for treatment. The messages came halfway through the movie, and had it been my first time watching the show, I would be even more pissed than I was last Friday, like Megatron-pissed.

Having lost focus on the movie, I spent the last 1.5 hours merely admiring the finer details of the SFX, noted the details on The Wreckers' vehicle modes and scrutinized Shockwave's cannon and Optimus Prime's solo rampage through a gauntlet of Decepticons. Straight after the movie, I had to bid the group adieu to rush to the hospital, where my parents were waiting for their turn in the Emergency, and it was only after two hours that we were finally on the way home, with Dad having four new stitches in his forehead.

One of these days, someone is gonna get hurt real bad, and the worst part is, grandma will conveniently forget everything the next day due to her rapidly deteriorating memory.

All these when I'm just about to start class again next week.

Excellent.

Feed the fish kids.

End of the Line

2011-06-25T20:34:00.003+08:00

I must have did something wrong in my past life, to go through this tumultuous mess right now, probably allowed a basket of kittens to be run over by a ten-wheeler or something. It could also be merely circumstantial - things are happening the way they are due to the accumulation of a myriad of different factors encompassing a whole spectrum of situational conditions and environmental concerns. Regardless, the matter is evident at this point in time, and like a pus-filled tumor, might just explode at the slightest prod, saturating the area with its toxic fallout.

As a general rule, we are all victims of circumstance. Who can proudly say that he/she is who he/she is because he/she wanted it? None, because everyone is moulded by their own individualistic experiences, the building blocks of your character, your personality - what makes you who you are. Like people, happenings in life go through this process, nothing is smooth sailing, rarely will things follow a straight line.

I was naive to think that it will.

As the negatives continue to pile up with no slight, even remote, positive in sight, my thread is wearing thin. Our publics - both internal and external - are getting angsty and upset, and for good reason. Honestly speaking, we expanded too much too fast, didn't calculate the logistical concerns for such a massive undertaking. We also overlooked an important factor: the functional publics.

Even if we're doing this activity out of our passion for the sport, that passion will burn out, even if you are a ultra-enthusiastic, all hyped-up practitioner. Running chaotic civil wars week after week tend to grind away at your passion, patience, and then your temper, and doing so WITHOUT any form of visible return just accelerates the inevitable process. Underlying issues now find themselves floating to the top of the agenda, and eventualities predicted have begun to manifest themselves. On top of all those, the parent organisation just switched hands, effectively ending the relatively hassle-free venue system we previously enjoyed.

It is not that I don't want to do anything, it is just that there is simply nothing that can be done at this point in time. The primary, crucial concerns have been highlighted to the higher-ups many, many times, but there is little they too can do. If the main organisation's goal is profit-oriented, logically speaking, the activities going down the flowchart would be revenue-based as well, which is the case right now. All of the ideas being thrown around right now to resolve this issue sound good, practical, but is the result worth it?

Sadly, it probably is. We are still too young to be less selfish.

I will hang back and let you guys settle this mess the way you want to, observing the process, anticipating the outcome. If you guys manage to calm the storm, good for you, all of us can continue with the new status quo. If nothing is changed even by your hands, I will do something, provided my motivation is still intact.

My thread is at its end, and there is no spool to reel it in.

I am really spent.

Maybe its time to head back into my own little bubble, where everything is perfect.

What a wish.

Rebuilding

2011-06-16T19:05:00.003+08:00

Feelings come and go, just like friends who appear and fade away like so many grains of sand plastered over the beach, few substantial, some significant, but mostly fleeting. It is rather troubling to note that I go through this same thought process many times a year, and though some last for mere days, most drag on for months on end, sowing emo-seeds of self-contemplation into the arable neural farmland of my cranium.

Without much tender care or high-tech agricultural machinery, these seemingly-insignificant seeds will waste no time into blossoming to towering canopies of sunlight-blockading evergreen structures of despair. They constantly grow, evolving into newer, more dangerous strains as time goes by, furthering barricading the once-healthy farmland from the rest of the world, sapping the nutrients from the once-fertile soil while leaving nothing behind.

Alas, all it takes is for the farmer himself to raise his double-barrel, point it towards the heavens, and pull the trigger. As the buckshot soars towards the suffocating cover of darkness with relentless determination, the farmer knows that he can begin cultivating his more profitable cash crops soon, once the darkening canopy is destroyed.

In an instant, the rounds breach the desecrating trees, eradicating one structure, with the others falling away soon after, leaving but a single pod behind, ready to burst open at a moment's notice should the opportunity arise. This particular pod remains hidden from view, concealed from prying eyes, immune to even the most advanced scrying techniques, awaiting the best moment to shroud the entire world in darkness once again.

For now, all is sunny, all is well.

At long last, everyone can now breathe a collective sigh of relief.

It took a while, and the battle was tough, but the armistice has been signed once again.

The Rebuilding is complete.

Power Overwhelming

2011-06-14T18:45:00.004+08:00

I now have an idea of how it feels like to be overwhelmed, to be overworked, to be overclocked beyond your advertised specifications. So many things are on my mind right now: work, the PR assignment, the PR exam, the first contract for our cosplaying services (if it goes through), tomorrow's Tactical Mob lesson (with its own mind-map of considerations), Saturday's birthday hosting (again, with its own web of intricacies), the massive BBQ gathering occurring on the same day, as well as the exact tactics which I would use in line with an always-altering strategy to achieve one long-overdue objective. Even typing those out took some time. Sheesh.

Anyway, SOF: Blasters is well on its way to establishing it own identity and image, with a website, ratecard and/or brochure in the works. Although still in its infancy, it is nonetheless priceless motivation for the people working for it, shedding sweat and blood, toiling through soil and mud. Just yesterday, I was about spent with everything related to this alleged-hogging of my spare time, but Edward's little proposal got my business gears running and restored a significant percentage of my motivation, even if it is for the time being. We'll see how long this will last.

In other news, it's been some time, but her visage still fleets through my mind everyday, although in decreasing frequency and intensity. Nonetheless, the phantom still exists, and remains a poignant force in my locus of control. I felt my lip muscles arch into a slight smile when I received her acknowledgement to a global message I sent, felt my pulse race a little, felt my heartrate increase. The canvas is still blank though, nothing has been written or doodled on it since the day I decided to leave it empty, since everything reverted to square one.

Awash with purity and laminated in innocence, the canvas remains oblivious to the movement around it, most of them without a shred of relation to the object, but some of them wrought with clandestine intentions. Nevertheless, the canvas still portrays its whitest side to anyone who would see, keeping the less-appealing wooden frame hidden from the rest of the world. However, all it takes is just one stroke of the paintbrush, and everything will change forever.

Should I lift up my slender brush, dip the head into my palette of unusual colors, and skillfully paint a maverick picture of chaos, anarchy and seclusion; or should I fold my arms, tip my feathered hat down ever so slightly and stare at the still-blank canvas with longing, hazy eyes?

Decisions, decisions.

In any case, she has to know through one way or another, that she appears in the mind of another living, breathing, thinking human being every single day.

18.

Approaches to Life

2011-06-11T21:49:00.004+08:00

Advertising is over: exam, post-assignment, the works. That module is now in the history books, and even if I didn't have a clue to what body cathexis was, it doesn't matter.

Let sleeping dogs lie and snoozing cats stretch.

Besides, I still have PR to contend with. No time to mope over gulped milk, and even more pointless to compare and contrast our answers with that of the notes or each other. Focus on the more important tasks people, most of you have yet to start on your PR post-assignment, and we don't have much time left. Keep at it folks~

Just this afternoon, I suddenly realised something about myself I had overlooked all this while. The way I do things, the manner I tackle problems - it is very similar to how I approach a particular type of assignment that I relatively enjoy doing: the research paper.

Whenever I'm tasked to submit a research paper on a given topic, the first thing I would do is to head to the library and look for hard-copy sources. Even if the assignment requirement dictates three sources as adequate, I usually go for ten from a variety of media before I call it a day - better to have more information than to have insufficient data when you get down to writing the paper. Next, it's time to hit Google, and with a simple search with the base keywords, I work my way to upwards of another ten sources, refining the keywords and selecting only the articles of the highest academic integrity or journalistic credibility. Only then will I start a new Word document to do some generic format setting and then proceed to process all of my sources.

Processing is a whole new ball game altogether, and the hard-copy sources will take the most time and effort. Merely reading, highlighting, re-reading, removing and re-highlighting journal articles can take an entire day, and the usable material - which isn't much most of the time - is transcribed to the Word document, for consideration of use. Its source is also properly credited and stored away for the inevitable Works Cited page to be born at the end of the paper.

Once all sources have been read through and information extracted from them, the paper can now be written. Typically, I would sit myself down (sometimes forcefully) and will myself to start writing the paper. Most of the time, the first paragraph I create will only exist for a few minutes, after which its existence is reversed by the Backspace. To me, the most difficult part of a research paper is the start, but once that's out of the way, the rest of the paper will flow like a broken dam, or an unblocked toilet if you're more of the lavatorial persuasion. I make it a point to finish the first draft of the paper in one sitting, no matter how long it takes, but it usually requires a good three to six hours of discipline and mental fortitude to complete the first manuscript. Once that is done, I back the document up online, emailing it to three separate email addresses, one created expressly for the purpose of storing backups and backups of backups. I would also save a copy of the paper onto my Berry, for mobile review and also to serve as another channel of backup. If the assignment is important enough, its essence will also be shared across a thumbdrive and two portable HDDs. Even if the world ended the next day, my paper would be safe.

After a day, I return to the first draft and start to edit the whole thing: whole sections are removed or rewritten, words are changed, sentences are restructured, grammar gets Nazified and vocabulary finds new meaning in its boring life. I have a bad habit though - whenever I ought to cut down on the word count, I end up adding even more words to the original number, and it takes so much effort just to destroy one whole paragraph, or to squeeze all those words into a single page. It's worse than using Occam's Razor on Schrodinger's Cat. Maybe.

After the torture to cut down on the words and to be that bit more concise, the paper is printed out and read through. With a colored pen in hand, my eyes scan the physical copy for errors which managed to evade my radar the first time round. As expected, multiple blemishes appear as I roam the pages, and mistakes are forcefully crossed out and corrected in pink ink as I mutter under my breath for this gross negligence of vigilance.

Anyhow, the paper finally gets edited to my satisfaction and it is now time for the most exciting period in the research paper writing process: formatting! That particular margin must be of the default setting, font size must be exactly 12, font type must be Calibri if its for a school assignment - Times New Roman for all others -and page numbers must be present. A cover page is also fabricated from nothingness and smacked on top of the first page of the paper, with all personal particulars present, clear and in bold. The Works Cited page must be properly formatted as well to MLA/APA standards, with each second and subsequent line indented once from the original margin, and all entries must be sorted in alphanumeric order. When that's done, the research paper is officially finished.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I approach life's problems.

All the world's a research paper, all the men and women merely sources, helping me to answer life's enduring research question.

As I pondered this revelation, I realised it made perfect sense. How many times have I seen myself constantly finding out about something just to make sure things are the way they appear to be? I think things through, through and through, and seek a variety of informational avenues just to confirm or refute a point. For the minor issues, a single source would suffice, but for the more complex algorithms (like the one plaguing me right now), a whole plethora of opinions across the whole spectrum of sources is needed. I have to admit, that is so damn true. I talked to a whole bunch of people about this issue, all of them unique, all of them special in their own way, but united by the fact that they are the ones who gave me information related to this personal matter. I couldn't believe it at first, but as the idea floated about in my head like a ghost, I accepted it as part of my character.

Insights however, like to happen in pairs.

A friend told me this afternoon that he noticed I was always rushing around, be it within a work-related environment, a school zone or even when at leisure. He said that I seemed to always be in a rush to complete things, which results in turning in work quickly (but with quality), studying for tests early and generally just completing tasks way before time. Dad also concurred with this friend's analysis over dinner earlier, stating that I do things fast, even when I'm eating. I start eating quickly, then end off quickly as well, while the rest of the family is roughly midway through the meal. Well, people have said I inhale my food, so I guess the speed-eating thing is not an isolated observation. I admit that facet of myself and wholly embrace it, eating quickly means freeing up one chore for the day.

But coming back to the issue of my apparent rush, I guess it is due to how I was brought up. I was trained to do things quickly and accurately, with longer break times between tasks if the first one was completed swiftly. I reckon Palov had a part to play with this sort of learning, and till now I still cannot bring myself to do something slowly - it is just not a part of me. Believe me, I have tried to slow down or delay doing something which is usually completed with speed, but I felt immensely uncomfortable and chock full of self-guilt that I abandoned the notion altogether. It is this trait that creates me, and it is in me that I must trust.

Well, this is a pretty inspiring and self-insightful post, looks like you really do learn something new everyday.

Let's hope I get the answer to this part of the lifelong research question soon.

Enjoy this rare, not-that-emo post guys, and remember to feed the fish! :)

Sweepstakes

2011-06-10T20:35:00.003+08:00

Even now as I pour over my books, notes and notes of notes to cram in some last-minute information for tomorrow's assay, I'm preoccupied with other thoughts - some positive, a portion negative but mostly neutral and random. Sometimes I wish I had a more generic "guy's" brain: no long drawn-out thinking process, no calculation of every possible outcome along with their specific countermeasures as well as the absence of the tendency to pre-empt anything and everything. Nevertheless, some higher power has blessed me with this model of grey matter, so I've got to use it the best I can. Besides, what other choice have I got?

We should be cognizant about what is realistic, specific and measurable, in order not to step into patches of quicksand that are remorse and regret. It is alright to dream, dreams are what give you drive during your waking hours, no matter the acceleration and direction of that drive. It is however, pertinent to recognize that the importance of snapping out of a dream and dropping back into cruel reality. It won't do you any good to stay in a permanent dream, as good dreams are wont to do. The occasional daydream of the "what-ifs" are great, only if you remember to withdraw from it at the end and return yourself to the "now". It is a difficult task, yet it can be surmounted with practice, and a whole lot of discipline.

On the same note, I noticed that a lot of people around me always muse about the "what-ifs" of a given situation. They go on about if they had put in that little more effort into their project, they would have gotten a better grade, if they had woken up a little earlier they wouldn't have been late, etc. Strangely, most - if not all - of the "what-ifs" I've heard recently are always accompanied by a "little" within the same sentence. For example:

"If I had been a little more careful, I wouldn't have made that careless mistake on the exam. Damn it."

Hindsight is always better than foresight, no matter the circumstances. Plan as you may, account for errors if you must, things will still manage to go wrong. That is just the brand of irony this universe so favours. How many times have you seen cars breaking down on the most crucial of days, how many printers inexplicably failing before a major deadline or better yet, the absence of a taxicab when you desperately need one? I've been on the receiving end of that too many times, seeing the comprehensive planning disintegrate before my eyes because of a freak incident or an event which evaded my predictive radar. Now, I still plan a lot, but allow room for these "eventualities", as I feel that if you prepare for their existence, you are prepared for them even if you cannot have prepared for them. :D

So to the people around me fretting or fussing over their own planning/coordinating commitments, take a step back, observe the situation, take in the current process and allow yourself space to breathe. Even if things do go awry, at least your highly detailed and comprehensive plan will be able to project a professional image to whichever audience you're targeting, even if a war is raging backstage.

It could be time, or it could be the happenings in my life, but the feeling is dissipating, albeit at the pace of a snail drenched in peanut butter circumnavigating a spherical minefield dispersed in a beta pattern. Despite that, deep down, I still wish for her to drop me a message, to wish me good luck for my paper tomorrow.

What wishful thinking, she probably forgot all about it.

In the sweepstakes of life, my coupon has yet to be drawn.

Feed the fish kids. :)

The Red Pill or the Blue Pill

2011-06-08T22:53:00.005+08:00

Today's lesson went unexpectedly well, with a very-organised and relatively-disciplined Kids Group and a cooperative Adults Group. Looks like segmentation worked, spilting the entire swarm up into two general categories allowed our limited manpower and equipment to be utilized to the fullest.

Still, as per Murphy's Law, things managed to happen. A kid ran into a pillar while being chased by seven others, and parents complained that their kids were not getting enough playtime. Accidents happen, and we can't be responsible if your kid slips on a piece of tissue paper and breaks his fragile head. All necessary and general precautions have been addressed, and if fate decreed that your kid smash his head into this pillar, it would take nothing short of the finger of God to cushion the impact. Thankfully, the child's parent laughed it off as a play-related mishap and not one of malicious intent.

As for the insufficient playtime, we have way too many kids to cater to, and in order for them to experience a big game with multiple players, we had to cut short their smaller, more cohesive team-based games. The kids didn't seem to mind, but the parents - ever vultures - noticed that their children were not getting the same treatment as the rest, and they paid the same price. Singaporean kiasuism even permeates something as unconventional as Nerf. After some explanation, the parents just wanted their kids to have fun and play, and was only asking for the rationale behind the shortened game time. There you have it, we have too many registered participants.

As a whole, today went extremely well, and I wish for this to continue, even if I'm running out of steam, motivation and encouragement. I'll live.

I read through my previous blog posts earlier today, and realised that the style of writing hasn't really changed. Yes, it is still flamboyant at times, but as compared to the posts of say 2006, I have toned down a lot. No longer do I use six different descriptives in the same sentence, and nowadays I hardly use vocabulary unrecognizable from Greek. One thing remains constant however, and is coincidentally the blog's primary driving force: emo posts.

Writing emo posts is just a way for me to vent frustration and unhappiness, like how some people punch the walls to relieve their anger, or how others shout out to the sea to eradicate their pent-up sorrow and stress. Instead of bottling it all up, which is bad according to certain prominent people around me, I pen those emotionally-charged thoughts and feelings down into this little weblog, one for further review, two for keeping record and three for others to have a glimpse of what goes through my cranium. So instead of asking me to stop writing emo stuff, try to encourage me to pour my heart out, as the more I write, the better I will feel in reality - it is just how I function. :)

As I scrolled through post after post, I found out that I write in very different lights under different circumstances. The post can be extremely flattering for the person mentioned, but the same person can also be written about in an utterly depreciating manner in a later post. I frighten myself sometimes.

Observation: we tend to want to confide in someone close to our heart whenever we're stricken with a crisis, hazard or threat, and want to let the other person know about the entire situation, even if she cannot do a thing about it, or doesn't understand the context at all. This manifested earlier, when those PR disasters emerged from the deep. I wanted to text you, to tell you how frustrated I was, how annoying those parents were, just to elicit a reply, even if it was something as shallow or simple as "Haha". My Berry actually came out of its holster, my left thumb scrolled to the appropriate screen, and with bated breath the other fingers were poised to commence the construction of a text message.

I stayed my hand.

For too long, the process has been lopsided. For too long, everything only happens from my end. For too long, I have pointlessly waited for the change which never came. You said plenty of stuff, but rarely did you carry those words through, leaving me to pine, to hope, to rot.

One message, or one call.

That's all that I ask for.

It will be an indication which speaks volumes, from which I will know when to release my grip.

When to give it all up.

When to let it all go.

So, if you're reading this, just send me one message, and from its content I will judge if I will carry on with hope or to let everything go with sorrowful despair.

Feed the fish kids. :)

Wedding Dress (Spartan's Version)

2011-06-08T09:36:00.011+08:00

As most of you might know, I'm a great fan of this gem of a K-Pop song, and as such I've written my own version of it in the spirit and direction of the original. Credit goes to Taeyang for producing and performing such a wonderful masterpiece of aural perfection.

Yes, it is written for someone in mind. Enjoy~

***

Some say it’s not over till it’s over.

I guess it’s really over now.

I got something I gotta say before I let you go,

So, listen.

Every time I think about it,

Every time I would cry.

When I remember all the good times that we had.

I only want to make your wildest dreams come true.

That is the only thing that will make me complete.

I’m afraid that you might start to treat me differently,

When you know that the feelings I have for you are indeed clandestine.

I hold back my tears,

My heart shattered to pieces.

I pray that you would just look at me.

Baby, give me a chance to show that I love you.

Cuz you should be my lady

All that matters is your sweet embrace.

When the music ends, you will start to walk out from my life forever.

My heart is screaming out so don’t go

Stay with me and let us grow old.

Let me see you in your wedding dress, dress, dress

Oh see you in your wedding dress (with me right next to you)

Let me see you in your wedding dress

Oh no.

I didn’t have the courage to tell you

Nor did I ever try.

You really ignored all the small things that I did.

I really should have just told, told, told you so.

But right now everything is just impossible.

All this time while you were sitting right there by my side,

All I could do was only to show you my other side.

I guess it’s too late,

Nothing more will change.

I just hope that you will keep on smiling.

Baby, give me a chance to show that I love you

Cuz you should be my lady

All that matters is your sweet embrace.

When the music ends, you will start to walk out from my life forever.

My heart is screaming out so don’t go

Stay with me and let us grow old.

Let me see you in your wedding dress, dress, dress

Oh see you in your wedding dress (with me right next to you)

Let me see you in your wedding dress

Oh no.

Baby girl you can forget,

All the memories that we shared.

But please don’t completely erase me out of your heart

I know that it’s difficult and unfair to you since you did no wrong but, no~

When the music ends, you will start to walk out from my life forever.

My heart is screaming out so please don’t go

And stay with me till we grow old.

Let me see you in your wedding dress, dress, dress

Oh see you in your wedding dress (with me right next to you)

Let me see you in your wedding dress

Oh no.

***

Up, up here we go...

2011-06-06T23:39:00.002+08:00

A lazy scorpion crisscrossed across the scorching desert sand, its spiny arachnid legs creating interweaving lines across the strangely smooth sheet of grainy particles, drawing a fleeting pattern lasting only an instant, quickly erased back to nothingness by the unforgiving wind. A human figure lay face down in the brownish grime, unmoving, unyielding, yet very much alive. With a painful groan and a forceful heave, the human raised himself from the sheetlike particles, head hung low, eyes shut. He exhaled explosively, clumps of sand mixed with saliva erupting from his gagging maw. A while later, all is calm, and the human slowly stands on his battered feet, a little wobbly at first, but managing to execute a perfect stance once his muscles regained their lifelong memories.

The human looks up: an endless clear blue sky, however marred by the dark, orange-tinged plume of thick black smoke streaking across the otherwise tranquil stratosphere. His eyes begin to track the atmospheric anomaly, making contact with a huge, burning object at the end of the smoky trail.

A starship.

In an instant, the damaged hulk made landfall, impacting into the ground several miles from where the human stood, throwing up plumes of dune sand a hundred feet high and fifty across, while simultaneously transforming into a massive fireball of tremendous heat and fiery death. Debris rained down around the doomed ship, dotting the tragic landscape with millions of sometimes-microscopic shrapnel falling at two times the speed of sound. For the creatures inhabiting that particular piece of real estate that day, the Rapture never seemed so real.

The human watched in awe, shock, and despair. He knew where that ship had come from, knew its purpose, knew its crew. At this moment however, he knew that he was lucky to be alive -probably saved an orphanage of kittens in his past life to deserve such a fortunate fate. As the flames onboard the wrecked starship started to fade, the human turned around and prepared to leave.

He paused.

A single tear dropped from each haggard eye, traversed the distance between optic and ground, and seeped deep into the shifting desert sand, never to surface, never to be found again. Steeling himself, the human lifted his head up high, teary eyes ablaze with confidence and passion, ready to face the challenges ahead. In the distance, he could barely make out the looming hulk of a Leviathan-class battlecruiser, his ride off this accursed desert, and also his only ticket off this god-forsaken land which held many terrible, painful memories.

All things must end, and new ones must begin.

The human turned to take one final look at the now smoldering carcass of the fallen vessel, a mere shadow of its former, glorious self. No matter, the new one would be better. The human turned towards the Leviathan, and began the long journey towards the magnificent starship, and ultimately, towards the stars.

Up, up here we go, where we will stop, nobody knows.

***

Feed the fish. :)

Time is Life's Panadol

2011-06-04T23:00:00.003+08:00

I'm sure I've said this plenty of times before - to friends around me, to family members and also to myself - that time will heal all wounds, that nature will run its course and that the universe will continue expanding, or somewhere along those lines.

The gist of it however, is that no matter how damaging something might have been to you, after a sufficient period of time, it will fade into your consciousness. Mind you, it's still present, just that it is now concealed under days and weeks and months of other events. Bad experiences are like scars: they remain with you forever, but can be hidden from view. So by that theory, given a long enough length of time, even the most devastating episodes can be tucked away into a lonely, dark corner of your psyche.

I think not.

Even if time manages to push these negativities to some other unused areas of the brain, buried under layers of good memories and distractions, bits and pieces of the bad stuff will still manage to seep through. Every now and then, an "attack" will occur, plunging the brain into a state of emotional alarm, as if it is back during those dark days it worked so hard to suppress. Bodily functions are affected, as are emotional interactions, and such behavior can last for days on end, giving others the impression that you are "emo". Indeed, when such assaults assail the mind on top of your other commitments, the stress can get too much, and it shows on your physical, fragile, frame.

Such is the cruelty of Life.

I now know with a 95% confidence level that you do not feel the same way, despite all the fruitless hope and pointless contemplation. The Predictor had painted this picture, but I did not want to accept it as the gospel. No matter, the Prediction has come to pass, and I am thus forced to bear the ramifications of my strategic inaction.

The time has come, for Time to do its miserable work.

Again.

Feed the fishes guys. :)

The Prophecy of Regret

2011-06-04T08:23:00.002+08:00

It is times like this that make me question the wisdom of my actions, to contemplate that path not taken, to look back and think:"Hmm, I probably shouldn't have done that". Life is simply too short to have regrets, but even if a structural framework is in place, gaps will still exist.

Even now, the yearning, the pining, the hoping is ceaseless, although the severity has lessened somewhat. The threshold was crossed, but nothing was changed. Perhaps it is time for more overt measures, enough of the subterfuge.

One way or another, you have to know.

Time to do some revision for next week, feed the fish kids. :)

Befuddled Emotions, Frazzled Feelings

2011-06-01T23:17:00.002+08:00

Our very first Nerf Blaster "lesson" just ended, and all I can say is, it was absolute chaos. Try as we might, there were just too many people for us to handle, and their myriad of age ranges just compounded the problem, not factoring in the typical "kiasu" and "understandably upset" parental figures. No matter, we'll probably do better next week, after segregating the two main age groups into their own warzones.

The following portion is dedicated to my lovable colleagues who made the past five months more bearable with their quirks and antics, so pardon me if you (my other readers) cannot find links to the references I use. Without further ado, here goes.

A tsunami of emotion crashed into every fiber of my being as I walked into the office today, almost the same feeling that came over me as I walked out the back door of CS CDC about ten months ago.

The Cat and Tig weren't there at their usual places when I walked in, always ready to greet me with a drowsy "Morning~"

I reluctantly moved my personal belongings over as the minutes ticked off, passing the time when Pancake would walk in with her headphones and wave me a greeting, and then past the period where Cucumber and No. 1 GDGD would lazily trudge into the Medical Park and aggravate the Cat and Tig, resulting in some early morning laughter.

The Coin and the Running Nazi would then appear, and float past the Gloomy Room's door as they entered their own room. Mr. Soh would then stomp in behind them, earphones in and with a lethargic expression on his face. At 8.30AM, the Bigbang Fan would trot in cheerfully, and as I moved the last pen over, I looked at the Gloomy Room.

Empty.

At this time, Miss Sleuth would stomp into the Room, nod me a greeting with music blasting out of her headphones. The Tengster would come in a while later with the Claud, arguing with each other over some random matter or just gossiping about something or other. The Salty Couple would then make a grand entrance, and HX would switch on the fan and stand in front of it as though she's filming a music video, while the guy retreats to his seat and starts up his computer, sometimes in a daze from the lack of sleep. Finally, the Partner would run in and start to apologise profusely for her lateness, and automatically surrender 20 cents into the Nugget Fund as part of the Room's contractual agreement.

None of that happened today.

Instead, I was greeted by Joyson's mom in the morning, and later by the Kong - basic, familiar, yet missing something. Perhaps it is habit, since I had been watching the abovementioned scene unfold every workday for the past five months, a rather long time by any measure. I am one who prefers familiarity to novelty, and indeed I got used to the kids around me, screaming, laughing and generally just being themselves. Perhaps I had gotten too used to them, resulting in this strange sense of longing and nostalgia this morning. I admit, things were more exciting with them around, lessening the mundane rigidity of the work we were hired to do. Alas, all good things come to an end, and yesterday was that final period in their chapter.

May good luck guide your paths. :)

As the curtains drew to a close, certain emotions refused to leave, remaining confused, unsure. Furthermore, after what transpired last night, those same emotions strengthened their resolve to overstay their welcome, when it was high time for them to start leaving. Occasionally, I question my actions, and yesterday was one such time, but your reaction only transformed a quadratic equation to a bilinear integration problem. Perhaps you really do know me, or perhaps our paths were meant to diverge from the beginning. One thing however, is concrete.

Your actions paint a vivid yet ambiguous story.

Now I fully understand the meaning of "being too nice": suspension in a stateless limbo.

Feed the fish guys, before they die of sorrow. XD

What Goes Around, Comes Around

2011-05-29T23:02:00.002+08:00

My sister told me today that the particular someone from a dark period in my life had just ended her bond with the third variable in the equation. I shouldn't really care, but it just sparked something within my neural databanks, something Mr. A said to me when I gave it up and let her go.

"I will not falter," that's what he said. Look where you are now.

So I suppose it can be concluded that the problem didn't lie with me - it had always been on her side of the bridge. Now, I'm not gonna be a kitchen sinker and regurgitate all the negativities accumulated, I'm just going to be objective, in a to-verb form and that is specific, measurable and timebound.

You are just too difficult to co-exist with, even with decades of time.

I went through your professional blog earlier, and I'm appalled that even after all these years in SMU, your command of the English language only improved slightly. You didn't striked someone, you struck him. All the money that goes into your tuition fees and your linguistic skill still remains stagnant and unchanging? Speaks volumes.

Sure, we shared some good times, but you are still the one who forged the quagmire of darkness that exists to this day, and that is something I deeply resent. Nevertheless, that is all in the past, and I hope that you find someone with the ability to tolerate your many Mordorian idiosyncrasies.

At least for a longer time than the last one.

Feed the fish kids!

The Psychological-Emotional Condition

2011-05-25T23:27:00.005+08:00

So it came to my realisation that my emotional state of mind is inclined to follow a specific pattern, sort of like the acculturation cycle perpetuated by most anthropologists. I find myself digging the same hole, filling it up with the same muck, jumping into the horrible quagmire and ultimately dragging myself back up from the inky grave, only to revisit it again at some other point in time. It is probably a result of the Fatal Attraction Syndrome posited in an earlier post, and I figured that it would be nice (amongst other things) to detail this vicious cycle, maybe then I can do something about it.

The Six Stages of the Psychological-Emotional Condition

Stage 1 - The Status Quo

This is when I feel the most at ease with myself and everything that is going on within my locus of control; I am comfortable with my current status and state of affairs and see no dire need to alter it, although such desires exist on a subconscious level, however sealed away with sheer willpower and absence of an excuse to indulge those excesses.

The Guard is at its strongest.

K-Pop Song descriptive of this Stage: Can't Nobody - 2NE1

Stage 2 - The Climb

This stage usually occurs when someone new appears in my life, or a past character walks back into my life. Coincidentally, this is also most likely when an instance of the Fatal Attraction Syndrome can be documented. As a morally-rigid and systematically-meticulous person, I feel my life start to shake on its foundations, my inhibitions start to release their limiters and I begin to do things outside of my normal purview. At this point in time, my outlook will be a mixture of darkness and sunshine, somewhere in between but never at the extremes.This Stage can be over in a matter of days, or drag on into months if the circumstances are unfavorable.

The Guard is wavering in its faith and duty.

K-Pop Song descriptive of this Stage: I Was Happy - Jo Sungmo

Stage 3 - The Crash

As with all things, what goes up, must come down, and I come down hard almost all the time. All the pent-up emotions, frustrations and feelings just erupt within myself and damage all systems, inflicting massive trauma on almost every fiber of my being. My mental state glazes over, and I find myself thinking of the "Whys", constantly questioning myself, even on matters that do not have any link whatsoever to the issue at hand. In a sense, I question my very existence, but usually leave that question as rhetorical as it is. It is in this Stage that observers will describe me as "emo", and my plentiful emotionally-charged Tweets and FB updates serve to cement their conclusions. Typically, this Stage lasts the longest, and is usually the most psychologically intense.

The Guard is disarmed and weakened, and opportunity exists for whatever it is guarding to slip through.

K-Pop Song descriptive of this Stage: You Wouldn't Answer My Calls - 2AM

Stage 4 - The Rebuild

As mentioned somewhere on this blog before, I sort of rebuild myself into a stronger person with each breakdown, and this happens in the Rebuild (arbitrary). In this Stage, pieces of me lost during the Crash start to return, and I slowly begin to pick myself up from the ruins of a shattered hope and restore myself to functionality. Sometimes it only takes a day, but typically, rebuilding is a lengthy process, and is prone to disruption from a multitude of factors, especially from the Key Aspect (KA).

The Guard repairs his armor and finds his sword, though threats loom in the background.

K-Pop Song descriptive of this Stage: Again & Again - 2PM

Stage 5 - The Slide

This happens all the time, but the magnitude depends entirely on the KA and my attitude towards the KA. I slip a little back into the Crash-days, and wonder if things will be any different had I taken another route. Jealousy worms its treacherous ways into my thinking, and though easily dismissed, still manage to pop out from time to time to reinforce its ubiquitous message. Although it is not as bad as the Crash, it still messes with my psyche, and affects my daily interactions to a certain extent.

The Guard takes a fall, but maintains his footing with his sword.

K-Pop Song descriptive of this Stage: If - Taeyeon

Stage 6 - The Plateau

The final element of the Condition is by every measure the most positive, since it signifies an understanding with myself and a coming-to-terms with everything that has transpired since Stage 1. I usually find myself stronger, but not necessarily more resistant to emotional trepidations.

The Guard is back to its original state, more polished and heavier armored than before.

K-Pop Song descriptive of this Stage: Love Song - Big Bang

The Psychological-Emotional Condition can be summarised with the following chart:

It is at once pretty interesting and also rather saddening to note that I go through this all the time. Sheesh. Maybe now I will do something about it.

Well, we'll see how it goes.

As always, thanks for reading, let me know what you guys think in the Cbox or in the comments section and remember to feed the fish.

Good night.

Irony Loves Company

2011-05-23T22:52:00.004+08:00

The Universe really is a fan of irony.

How many times have you heard someone say that something will not happen to him/her, and at the next moment, it really happens? Just hours before, I overheard this Jock-archetype character boasting about how clean his car was, and that he spent the GDP of a small Pacific island to do up his car and whatnot. Moments later, the car was subjected to a strafing run followed by a CAS and ended up with a bunker-buster, courtesy of the well-fed birds flying around my workplace. I only managed to contain a guffaw.

The point is, many a time when we wish for something to happen, it sure as heck will not, not even remotely. We strive for it, fight through piranha-infested waters for it, catch a grenade for it, throw our hands down on a blade for it, jump in front of a train for it, and the Scriptwriter still goes,"Hmm... Nah."

Occam's Razor states that the simplest explanation is usually the best, but the Razor simply doesn't apply when irony is involved. How else can you explain a full reversal of the current (well past if you think about it) situation only when you have decided to give it up and that no other factors exist at that point in time to even remotely suggest a change in the status quo? It is that weird, incredible and fantastic at the same time.

Before you academics publish full-scale research papers on the Razor and other theoretical models in the comments section to refute my point, this is just how I see it, and it is endorsed by me, myself and no one else. My opinions don't reflect those of any organisation I am affiliated with, nor does it constitute academia or established theorem. It is, simply put, an issue as viewed through my lens, and explained using a scientific model I thought best to represent this scenario.

The bottomline is, irony is a potent force in the Universe, and its omnipotence permeates every nook and cranny of life, crouching in the shadows, waiting for the exact, ironic moment to spring its lethal trap, at times to hilarity, but sometimes to devastating effect. So the next time you think of saying something that seems impossible to happen at that point in time, do it, and you might just see this latent force in action for yourself.

Thanks for reading, and remember to feed the fishes!

Misery Does Not Die

2011-05-14T23:56:00.002+08:00

Feelings are a strange thing. You have no control over them, but they are capable of affecting your every thought, every move, and every decision. You cannot live without them, but living with them creates a tortured existence so excruciating that you are better off dead.

A thin line is all that separates the direction of those feelings: think of it as an a spark of antimatter, contained in the binding confines of a controlled vacuum, maintained precariously by supposedly-infallible electro-supermagnets. One wrong move, one accidental nudge, one malicious action, and the highly destructive substance will tumble out of its magnetic prison and obliterate anything and everything it touches.

I am sick of it, so sick of it in fact that the very thought of me going through this again makes me nauseated and sick to the stomach. I swear there's a colony of butterfly pupae in my stomach, ready to pop open at a moment's notice to remind me of my numerous affective predicaments. That said, I dug my own grave many a time, due to my lack of perception, or inaccuracy of my conclusions. Other times, however, are wrought by the second hand in the clapping equation, elements of a volatile sequence that cannot be excluded.

Maybe I should throw up more defensive walls, more rivers of sarcastic wit, more labyrinths of confusion and suppression. I just might while waiting for Her, and whoever you are, please appear soon, before I become a stoic simulacrum of the futility and desperation threatening to consume all of my heart.

Damn it.

A Peninsula Divided

2011-05-14T23:50:00.003+08:00

To improve the academic integrity of this blog, henceforth I shall post up all my written papers and assignments done while earning my Bachelor's Degree.

First up, one from my Political Science module (of sorts).

“Political power grows out the barrel of a gun” – Communist Leader Mao Zedong

The annals of history have shown us the wisdom of the above quote, and even if it is slightly incendiary, the saying is not without reason or logic. Countries have risen and fallen by the sword, and then the bullet delivered most of the time from an external force; sometimes the shot which disintegrates the established political system comes from inside the nation, from the people most qualified to use it: the military. Despite essentially being one complete country, North and South Korea are not only divided by the 38^th Parallel, but also alienated from each other over their emphasis on the military in the political climate, and it is this differing prominence – among other things – which poses a major obstacle to the Korean Peninsula’s long standing quest for reunification.

The Military as a Driving Force

It is at once remarkable and also saddening to note that both North and South Korea are under different political regimes, have different states of development as well as dissimilar levels of societal progress, although they are by and large a single country divided into two by an artificial but fiercely guarded line across the 38^th Parallel. The main focus of this paper, however, is the position the military has with regards to the political structure of the two Koreas, for each has their own unique take on the role of the military within national politics.

Before delving deeper into the Korean peninsula, it is important to understand why the military is such a formidable force, inside politics and otherwise. Since the rudimentary beginnings of humanity, the military remains a pivotal force in any civilization. Empires were carved out using strength executed by a technologically superior and highly-disciplined armed forces, and many instances in history have showcased the tremendous effect an efficient military has on the people they were turned loose on. Genghis Khan did not cut a swath of destruction through Central Asia using diplomacy and political connections; he created one of the largest empires in the world by the might of the Mongol army, a force that was respected, feared, and frighteningly efficient at what it was established to accomplish.

Governments were overthrown, reinstated, and then overthrown again by their own militaries, proving that the armed forces have the clout and might of a potent political institution to destroy or create governmental regimes. In current times, military dictatorship is still ubiquitous and very real to the people of Mauritania, a small African country of three million which recently reversed itself from a democratic institution after a military removal of the civilian president. Since its independence, the tiny nation has endured an incredible nine coup d'états (Hochman, 2009), and the penultimate coup was supposed to be the one to end all military takeovers, which is ironic since the latest takeover restored the militaristic regime.

In the United States of America, the military plays a sizeable role in society. Out of America’s 43 presidents, 12 were formerly from the military (Global Role of Military in Politics, 2004), the latest being Dwight D. Eisenhower after his stellar performance in the Second World War. US servicemen are also given a significant amount of admiration for their occupation, something extraordinary for a civil servant. This suggests that the military is generally a highly-respected unit within society, and that it is one of the few organizations within the country that is both self-contained and independent – to a certain degree – from the machinations of the political climate.

Why is the military such a powerful force? The key principle lies in the quality of its organization, which, by modern standards, is both cohesive and hierarchical; even the most ragtag or badly-maintained armies are many times the organizational and structural superior of any civilian group (Finer, 1962). This can be traced to the army’s perceived role: to fight and win wars and it can only perform this task well if its command is centralized enough and authority flows down the upper echelons to the obedient rank-and-file both fluidly and lucidly. Indeed, the convention of obedience has to be underscored, as it stems from the army’s primary purpose to win wars, and a battle plan can only be properly planned and executed if obedience existed within the ranks (Finer, 1962).

The military thus becomes a separate, disciplined organization in itself, an organ of the main country if you will, an inseparable part of the greater body. If the country does not exist, there is no need for the army to subsist and vice versa: if the military was absent, the country would in due course be swept into the territorial boundaries of a superior nation. The military as an entity has such power to move and to change, and as mentioned earlier, is more than capable of demolishing a political administration.

To add on, the military has the opinion that the onus is on them to remove the current regime from power when they deem the civilian government too weak, and that it is their right, and even their duty, to do so (Hochman, 2009). Moreover, as stated by Dafna Hochman, a former foreign policy advisor in the US Senate, the sheer structural integrity of the military as a construct makes it the only institution capable of dealing with disasters and policy challenges. The role of the military cannot be construed, and North Korea marries the military and central leadership of the nation into one comprehensive political structure, the fates of both branches thus forever entwined.

Military-First Politics

North Korea, or the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) as it is formally known, is one of the five remaining nations in the world still proclaiming themselves communist even after the fall of the Soviet Union, although their ideas have generally changed over the years as the promises of socialism failed to deliver. North Korea is a highly militarized and staunchly totalitarian state, with the current Supreme Leader Kim Jong Il controlling every aspect of life: from the economy to education and from culture to national legislature. Kim accomplishes this feat of total control over his country through the one entity that is united and powerful enough to support his means and achieve his ends: the Korean People’s Army (KPA).

Yet, the DPRK was not always this militarized in the past. During the reign of Kim Il Sung (1912 – 1994), he emphasized the model of juche ideology, the idea of self-reliance, which broadly meant that the masses – not the army – can only be revolutionary under the leadership and command of a Suryong, or great leader (Kim, 2006). His son however, saw the importance of the armed forces in his quest for total control of both the government and then the rest of the country, and began to change the political landscape in North Korea to songun chongchi, or military-first politics.

Once Kim Jong Il was in power, he quickly expanded the scope of his vision. Indeed, the attention afforded to the armed forces can be seen when he gave a wristwatch to all military personnel (and none to the political parties) on the 60^th anniversary of the KPA’s founding, showing just how much Kim Jong Il valued his soldiers and the military machine in general (Kim, 2006). The ruling party in North Korea for the past four decades, the Korean Worker’s Party (KWP), saw its power begin to wane and eventually diminish to near nothingness as Kim Jong Il consolidated his control of the struggling nation.

The KPA ranks highly in North Korea society, in no small part due to Kim Jong Il’s expansion of the military’s involvement in politics. The KPA holds a number of roles in the nation: being the deliverer and provider, the problem solver, the engine for social engineering, the creator and advancer of culture, the synthesis of body-mind-spirit and also the exemplar in addition to its intrinsic defense duties (Park, 2008). Although the aforementioned titles may come across as superfluous and flamboyant, multiple studies exist to examine and confirm the military’s involvement in society.

Kim Jong Il recognized that the military is more organized and better disciplined than its KWP counterpart, and that the army was made up of the younger populace of society, unlike the aging bureaucrats, and therefore more responsive to his imperatives (Kim, 2006). Furthermore, the KPA is patriotic and ready to give their lives for the country at a moment’s notice. Additionally, by promoting loyalists to key positions in the armed forces, Kim strengthened his control of the military, at the same time replacing the KWP with the KPA under the military-first banner (Gause, 2006). The nature of this shift to the military was made crystal in the 1998 constitutional amendments, which made Kim Jong Il the chairman of the National Defense Commission - essentially the high command of the North Korean armed forces – but in effect had destroyed the party-based political system and transferred all real power to the military. A Japanese journalist went so far as to call Kim Jong Il’s actions a military coup, since the military is usually subordinate to the ruling party in Soviet-era communist regimes (Kim, 2006). After the amendments however, the military was in fact so influential that it is above the state, and it was able to direct KWP matters as its superior (Kim, 2006), not its subordinate nor its equal. The nation was in fact turned into an enormous military stronghold commanded by the KPA. Furthermore, to cement that revamped focus in power, in the event of the death of the Great Leader, the party or the state itself will not assume control of the country: the military institution will rule in his stead.

In addition, an internal publication within the country once mentioned that “military-first politics is a cure all in this era of ideological, military and economic confrontation with the imperialists”, (Kim, 2006) driving home the point that the military in North Korea is first and foremost the foreman of the nation, just one step below that of the Great Leader who controls the military, effectively demonstrating that in the DPRK, the military is directly involved in national policy, being only secondary to Kim Jong Il.

Kim Jong Il has also tied the nation’s economic capacity with military supremacy, meaning that both economic advantage and military growth are strongly intertwined (Byung, 2005). Even if the country has been in severe economic crisis for past decades, the armed forces are still maintained as one of the largest in the world at 1.2 million regular personnel, and had flexed its nuclear arm power by testing atomic weapons twice (Jung, 2010). Policymaking under military-first politics have been, and still is, dominated by a guns or butter dilemma, and it would seem that the focus is still on the procurement of more weapons than on measures designed to improve the ailing economy (Foster-Carter, 2004).

Inevitably, many believe that it is this emphasis on the armed forces that led to the sinking of the ROKS Cheonan, and Mr. Ra Jong-Yil – former Security Advisor to former South Korean president Mr. Roh Moo-Hyun – states that the overarching political influence of the military establishment along with North Korea’s ongoing dire economical problems may make it difficult for Kim Jong Il to control the “internal dynamics of the regime” (Ra). North Korea does not have many options left, and given its problems both on the homefront and with the international community regarding its nuclear programme, it might run out of alternatives and choose to run with its guns instead, driven by its military-first political system coalesced with the traditional purpose of a military’s establishment.

Indeed, as Kim Il Sung’s third-generation of dynastic succession comes of age, the regime has sought to reconfirm and even strengthen its songun chongchi, pinning a general’s badge on the chest of Kim Jong-Un, and reiterating to the world that in order to control North Korea, the leader must first be in command of the military (Jung, 2010).

As songun chongchi rolls into its 16^th year since its inauguration, it still remains to be seen if the new Great Leader will place a greater emphasis on economic development than on military spending. One detail is certain: military-first politics has been reaffirmed as North Korea’s principal political force, but it is also one major hurdle in the way of the elusive concept of reunification with the South.

From Consolidation to Fragmentation

Where military influence is combined with the political structure in the North, a polar opposite is witnessed in South Korea, where military control is fragmented and uncombined into the overall control scheme of politics in South Korea (Kim, 1984). As the more affluent Korea on the peninsula, South Korea is interesting as it owes the results of its success to an authoritarian regime in its history, which ironically also led to the regime’s own downfall. This chapter will be revisited to trace the South Korean military’s progress, or rather decline, down the political food chain.

Upon the division of Korea along the 38^th Parallel, both the USSR and the USA instituted different forms of government upon the Koreans under their jurisdiction. North Korea became communist, and is still communist to this day. The South on the other hand, went through a roller coaster ride of political systems, finally culminating in the presidential republic of today.

Korea as a whole was ruled by a monarchy before the Japanese annexation in the years preceding World War 2, and during the latter times the Japanese governed Korea with a repressive, authoritarian regime. As such, the South was plainly ill-equipped to deal with its newfound freedom during the US occupation, or more specifically, the USA-brand of liberal democracy (Yung, 2004). Lacking the political custom of democracy in general, the foreign-imported First Republic quickly devolved into an authoritarian administration led by the strongman Syngman Rhee as its president.

Things however did not go well for Rhee as he progressively resorted to overt force to obtain his desires, and was forced into exile when students demonstrated against his regime in response to a blatant act of vote-rigging in supposedly fair elections (Saxer, 2002). As the winds of change died down, the dictatorial government in South Korea was replaced by a parliamentary system headed by a Prime Minister. Nevertheless, this new system of governing was too weak and was promptly removed in a military coup d'état led by General Park Chun-Hee, ushering in an era of military involvement in politics as well as strong economic growth (Saxer, 2002).

The army had surfaced as the strongest organization in society after the Korean War, and it was with this strength that the democratic institution in South Korea was crushed. In the thirty years of military rule, the South Korean economy and society as a whole were essentially altered: society diversified, class forces grew and became better organized and the democratic orientation of the population strengthened (Yung, 2004), all in the backdrop of a rapidly improving GNP and economic success (Saxer, 2002). These seemingly advantageous points however, had dire ramifications for the military as the years progressed: it was no longer the most powerful nor the strongest organization in society.

As the 1990s rolled along, and the South Koreans grew more receptive of democracy, which almost always came with positive capitalism, the authoritarian dictatorship became a victim of its own economic success (Shin, 1999). Granted, under military leadership, South Korea’s economy grew at an average of 10% a year, but it also led to an expanding of the middle class, which in turn increased their demand for participation in the political process. It was the non-existence of economic problems that the table could be cleared for talks by the players of democracy, and the transition was to take a long, narrow but eventual path. It was also on this conduit that South Korea passed the threshold of “no return” (Kim, 1998), that there were simply no other plausible alternatives to democracy, and no institution – the military inclusive – can object to the actions of popularly-elected policymakers. Economic success thus proved to be the blade severing the thread of authoritarian regimes in South Korea, and also contributed to the overall fragmentation of military-political involvement.

In fact, in 1993, Kim Young-Sam, the first civilian president in more than three decades of military rule, realized it was pertinent to consolidate his power against the military, to astutely establish civilian supremacy over the militarily institution (Shin, 1999). Upon his appointment, he sacked the upper echelons of the military with links to former presidents, especially the ones belonging to past authoritarian regimes. Throughout his term, Kim took measures to curtail the power of the military, from outlawing factions to combating corruption, in particular concerning promotions within the army. By that time however, the military had mellowed somewhat, with no expressly overt motives for political gain and a redirection of their emphasis back to their main mission of external defense, spurred on by the very existence of the DPRK. As 1995 came into being, Kim Young-Sam had accomplished his mission and firmly established civilian preeminence over the military as a result of his wide-reaching efforts (Shin, 1999). The military was no longer directly involved in South Korean politics.

The South Korean military is still a viable and powerful force today, with a regular force of 3.7 million personnel, and has the second highest number of soldiers per capita, just after North Korea (Cordesman & Kleiber, 2006). It still exerts influence on modern politics and former officers still permeate vital areas of society and the political landscape, mainly due to its ongoing conflict with the DPRK (the two nations are still technically at war), leading to a more critical accent on the military and its defense efforts (Yung, 2004). Yet, the military is now undersized and underdeveloped as opposed to other, more civilian, sectors of society – a stark contrast to the authoritarian years – and that in itself manifests the South’s pseudo-philosophy on political power, that it will never again be wrought by sheer, brute force.

The current president Mr. Lee Myung-Bak in 2009 stated that the South Korean military was to be a more global force for a swift response to emergent threats outside of the normal locus of control and also to match the nation’s economic power (Jung, 2009). Although the government seems to be shifting its priorities back to the military, it is of the essence to note that its motives are mainly to protect its economic interests both from external forces and also from North Korea, which had been developing its asymmetrical military capability (Jung, 2009). The DPRK has been showing signs of instability in recent years, and the move to bolster the South’s defenses would invariably be linked to this ongoing, omnipresent threat, not ostensibly to renew its emphasis on the military machine.

Conclusion

An enduring goal on the Korean peninsula would be the removal of the 38^th Parallel, essentially a reunification of the North and South. Although some might agree with the union on the basis of restoring cultural ties and national identity, others are skeptical of this ultimate ambition. For one, the DPRK’s economy is in shambles, and even if South Korea is Asia’s fourth largest economy (Cordesman & Kleiber, 2006), it would still be an uphill struggle to bring the North back up from the abyss of economic ruin while trying to maintain its own foothold in an increasingly competitive regional and international market. Economics aside, the two Koreas are still, and will be for a long while, divided over the role of the military in politics.

While the North advocates a military first and foremost policy, the South is against the consolidation of military power, as evidenced by the political weakening and fragmentation of the South Korean military. If reunification was to happen, both sides would have to reach a compromise regarding the military, and it would not be in the realm of simplicity due to the fact that North Korea has its political structure with the military in the center, and if that element was forcibly removed, the entire construct would dissolve into chaos, anarchy, and perhaps even into nuclear winter. Subsequently, the North Korean citizens, after so many years of totalitarian rule, will also experience culture shock, and will undoubtedly have a tough time reintegrating into the greater Korean society, causing problems to all levels of the societal spectrum. For the South, the thought of returning to quasi-military rule is unacceptable, in theory at least, with a stout majority opposing military administration (Shin, 1999). South Korea has seen its fair share of oppressive regimes and authoritarian rule, and has endured the strenuous process of dismantling the power base of the military. No doubt, in the eyes of many, the military still has positive societal value, but it will always be in charge of the nation’s defense and little else. Therefore, the South Koreans would ostensibly be opposed to a military-first political system and opt to maintain their present presidential republic, and relegate the military to its clear and present goal: defense.

Although the prospect of reunification is by no means uncertain, it is still a long way off, and unless the two Koreas can reach a mutual understanding for their beliefs in the military, the 38^th Parallel will continue to invisibly partition the peninsula in two, with two different takes on the classic conflict of the soldier and the state.

3577 Words

Works Cited

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Cordesman, Anthony H., and Kleiber, Martin. “The Asian Conventional Military Balance in 2006: Overview of major Asian Powers”. Centre for Strategic and International Studies. 6 June, 2006. 29 Mar. 2011.

Finer, S.E. The Man on Horseback: the Role of the Military in Politics. London: Pall Mall Press, 1962.

Foster-Carter, Aidan. “North Korea chooses guns over butter.” Asia Times Online. 1 Apr. 2004. 29 Mar. 2011 <http://www.atimes.com/atimes/Korea/FD01Dg04.html>

Gause, Ken. E. “North Korean Civil-Military Trends: Military-First Politics to a Point.” Strategic Studies Institute. Sep. 2006. U.S Army War College. 29 Mar. 2011.

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Kim, Ilpyong J. “Kim Jong Il’s Military-First Politics.” North Korea: the politics of regime survival. Ed. Young Whan Kihl and Hong Nack Kim. East Gate, 2006. 59 – 73.

Kim, Yong-Ho. “Korea.” Political Party Systems And Democratic Development in East And Southeast Asia Volume II: East Asia. Ed. Wolfgang Sachsenroder and Ulrike E. Frings. Vermont: Ashgate Publishing Company, 1998. 132 – 178.

Park, Han. S. “Military-First Politics (Songun): Understanding Kim Jong-Il’s North Korea.” Korea Economic Institute. 2008. 29 Mar. 2011.

Ra, Jong-Yil. “North Korea’s ‘Military First Politics Are Behind Recent Attacks.” The Huffington Post. 26 Nov. 2010. 29 Mar. 2011. >

Saxer, Carl J. From transition to power alternation: democracy in South Korea. Great Britain: Routledge, 2002.

Shin, To-chol. Mass Politics and culture in democratizing Korea. Singapore: Kin Keong Printing Co, 1999.

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First Blog Post of the Year 2011

2011-04-03T18:41:00.002+08:00

Good evening dear readers.

So it would seem that this little blog of mine has entered its sixth year of existence, and is still blessed with sporadic updates by its creator, although the entries are getting from mundane to random and now downright emo. No matter, the show must go on, even if they're comical tragedies now as opposed to the situational dramas of days past.

For those expecting an extended summary of how my life went on within the lapse in blog posts, I'm sorry but I have to disappoint you. However, my Facebook has my life in photo albums, and they more or less will fill in the blanks with regards to how my life flashed by. In any case, the crux of this blog begins henceforth.

I seem to have a thing for troubled females, as evidenced by the multitude of femme fatales lining "The List". Every girl who walked into my life had something messed up, had a fatal flaw within her operating circuits which drew her apart from the norm. Granted, no one is perfect, but according to my daughter I ought to get a medal for getting involved with this many troubled women.

Number One was worrisome from the very beginning, but virginal love masked my eyes and I couldn't tell the difference between bread and concrete. Yet, as the love googles began to dissipate, the troubles intensified and compounded our contemporary problems, eventually leading to heartbreak and permanent damage to my psyche. Perhaps it was from then that this "attraction" to troubled girls began.

Number Two came a year and a half after Number One disappeared from my life, and I knew that she wouldn't have the approval of the Senate nor the endorsement of the House, but the feeling of being in love - or what's close to it - negated my better judgement. Even if I knew that she was making use of me to achieve her own goals, I held on to the empty hope that she would turn back and reciprocate my feelings for her. It didn't happen, and now I regret my involvement with her in the first place.

Number Three appeared out of nowhere along with Number Four, but the former was located geographically closer to me, and so according to the Proximity Principle, the annoying things called emotions begin to stir, and eventually led me to perform things outside of my normal locus of actions, all the while beneath the radar of our mutual comrades. Number Three also holds the distinction of the one girl whom I poured my heart out to, the one for whom I wore my heart upon my sleeve. I made my point ostensibly clear, and all she needed was to take the leap of faith into my arms, a feat she never attempted at all. As time passed and she faded from proximity, the feeling dissipated as well.

Number Four is interesting cause of the fact that I was kinda making use of her to forget about Number Three, sorta as a distraction from the troubles stemming from that source. Little did I know that Number Four would come on so strongly, to the point that her intention was as clear as day, yet also obscured by a mild fog. I ventured, she withdrew, and ran far, far away into the thick mist, never to be within my reach ever again.

Number Five is the most recent one to date (OMG), and she's unique in the fact that I don't know what the hell she is thinking. Her actions and mannerisms don't match the vibes that she is constantly broadcasting, and many facets of her personality are non-congruent with mine. I made small moves just to test the water, and withdrew once I felt the spiny skin of a dozing alligator. The creature has now surfaced, and - in my eyes at least - is hungry.

Why can't I get a plain simple girl devoid of such problematic idiosyncrasies? Is it that much to ask for? The loneliness is slowly but steadily encroaching, and the fact that people around me are getting together like nobody's business just adds oil to the flame, accentuating the fact that I have no one to encourage me, no one to look forward to on the weekends and no one to just say "I'm around" when I'm feeling lonesome. It gets close to being unbearable on the days when I have to both study and work, it really gets to me.

Humans are socialists at base, but once they get companionship, they became capitalists, emphasizing private-ownership.

Oh, the humanity.

One Last Time

2010-09-08T09:52:00.001+08:00

Again and again and again.

Is it just me, or am I really destined to be plagued by such matters during the early years of my life (I hope)? It was saddening when it happened the first time, interesting the second, painfully hopeless the third and when it occurred again for the nth time, it’s just not funny anymore. I can’t bring myself to look for a silver lining in all this, and I’m by any measure a crazily optimistic person.

Perhaps I had been wrong when I took the initial steps, the successive approximations leading to this ultimate predicament. Behavioral science speaks of reciprocity, maybe I’m but a victim of that proven concept. But ask any guy out there, even the not-so-normal ones, and they will relish the thought of having another person’s (preferably of the opposite gender) full attention fixated on solely you alone, it really is quite gratifying.

I reckon I’ve already said this before in a similar post (see, this nonsense happens on a frighteningly-regular basis), humans are social creatures: much as we say we want to be left alone and whatnot, the fact remains that human beings are genetically programmed to be gregarious, we want to be with another person. At the basest biological level, it is to advance the species, to ensure that your own unique genetic line won’t die out. At another more affective level, we all need some measure of companionship, and research has shown that loners have a disturbingly higher chance of being schizophrenic and suicidal. Erikson’s Intimacy VS Isolation stage of psychosocial development is really evident in this stage of my life, we either form a close, intimate bond with someone else or walk down the path of loneliness as time passes (Ciccarilli & White, 2010). Personally I prefer the former, but evidentially, I’d been proven otherwise time and again.

As my life is slowly piecing itself into a positive, near-perfect structure, it will never be truly complete without that one particular element of the puzzle. That piece alone would near singlehandedly be the major source of motivation for everything I do, and being the sentimental fool I am, I would probably do anything and everything within my power to upkeep the status quo. Of course, nothing is absolute. If the problem stems from the other side, it is exclusive of my locus of control, and more drastic, dire measures might have to be employed to combat or discontinue the threat. If the problem is from my end, I would do whatever it takes to finish what I started, even a fairytale ending is in doubt.

Two years of contemplation made me realize a lot of things, but there are some that can never be thoroughly thought through even with decades of time.

It is very tiring to be thinking of someone most of your waking hours, tiring to constantly think to inform someone when something happy or funny happens, tiring to always think what that other person is doing right now, and if that person is doing something else other than communicate with you. You can see the scary thought-process here, but that is the sad truth. We are all affected by a myriad of environmental factors, and we can’t be free all the time (even me, surprisingly). I understand that, but my brain just ventures into that aspect on its own, it’s uncontrollable, biological even!

You advanced fast, strong but withdrew equally swift and powerful as well. Now you’re back, but more subdued, controlled. You are by far the toughest nut to crack to ever end up in my basket, and I’ve nearly depleted my resources trying to decipher your cryptic clues, if they were clues in the first place. So much for my self-touted ability to be able to read things like that with a high degree of accuracy, guess I was wrong.

All things considered, I probably should just let you go, and move on (again). Yet there is still a little sliver of hope, perhaps a figment of my optimism, or a manifestation of my unconscious mind to complete what’s missing. I don’t need your commitment, all I need is your answer: yes or no, good or bad, to tell me if I should proceed forward or to “draw the line”. Uncertainty is my hated enemy, and I go through all ways and means to eliminate it, that is, every instance of it except this one. I can’t shake this feeling.

So… tell me your wish, whatever it is. Yes or no, I must know.

Uncertainty

2010-08-29T11:34:00.000+08:00

I hate it.

Black or white.

Not grayscale.

Tell me.

As soon as you can.

It's Near

2010-07-03T22:53:00.006+08:00

Can you feel my heartbeat?

It's a cyclical process that I wish removed from the collective human conscience, a psychological pathogen hardwired into the psyche of humanity, destined to force blowouts and intense intra-warfare within the cramped confines of the human command center.

I was happy.

A pleasant dream I had, sadly it didn't exist in this universe; I envy the other Me.

Do not just turn around.

Did I take the wrong turn? Or am I just over sensitive, the particular sector of my brain dramatically attuned to matters of such a nature? It has happened many times before, too many times in fact to warrant nomenclature and further study. This time however, was a double whammy, a pointblank double-barrel to the face.

What should I do?

Perhaps I was overconfident, perhaps I thought too highly of myself. Thoughts, dangerous thoughts, flood through my head, threatening to overwhelm me without a moment's notice. All those maddening thoughts along with doubts. Questions. Queries. Mysteries. Puzzles. Enigmas. Fallacies.

I'm sorry.

Whys.

Listen to my why.

Can such a thing even manifest in the ethereal plane, much less the corporeal one? Things are going the way envisioned, but in a direction of their own, as if granted the gift of life, swirling along the supposedly fixed path in all manner of directions, curiously exploring this, intently studying that.

Don't...

I started writing this in the hopes of a better, clearer mind to better stave off the scourge ravaging my mind like neural scurvy. A bunch of good that did.

I was wrong.

Still, I have to face the fact. I cannot hide from it forever. Yes, progress has been made, many times more than if I had been stuck in my previous rut of a social arsenal. Although its something new, it still feels like I've gone down this road before. A dark, lonely road with no end in sight.

But here I go again, oh no.

Even before it began, I foresaw the ending, contemplated every possible outcome, scripted out every eventual scenario. Yet, I didn't want to admit them, didn't want to acknowledge the fact that the ending will always be the same. No matter what I do.

I know, I know, I know.

How then, do you expect me to pull through the rest of the days, to witness the glory right in front of my eyes, to put up a futile facade, to drain every ounce of my mental power just to do some random action? I can't. I really cannot.

Without you, without you.

Dreams, however vivid, are still dreams. Right now, the two brains are mustering their forces for war, and the weapons being called into play are getting bigger and deadlier than ever. It's gonna be one heck of a super war, and I imagine it would be long drawn-out and immensely taxing on both sides, as I foresee multiple distractions materialising to lull either side into a false sense of security. I don't want to know which side will win, don't want to root for something which would only ruin me if it didn't. Neither will I bet on the side whose goal is to destroy me anyway. It's really the devil or the deep blue sea.

I'm gonna be okay.

Time is either a bitch or a saint, depending on the circumstances. Presently, its a hybrid mutant of both, something I previously thought impossible: much as I want it to come to an end quickly, I know that only time will spell the outcome. Whether good or ill. Maybe I should just give it up, not give a damn anymore. It's hard, but it can be done, and I can do it if I want to.

Time, please stop.

I'll be fine. I hope.

Stars, I'm going crazy.

---

In order of appearance:
2PM - Heartbeat
Jo Sungmo - I Was Happy
Koyote - Return
Rain - Love Song
8eight - Farewell Is Coming
MBLAQ - Y
2AM - I Was Wrong
2PM - Again and Again
Son Hoyoung - I Know
2PM - Without You
Davichi - Time, Please Stop
SNSD - Star, Star, Star

First Post of the Year 2010

2010-06-24T19:50:00.003+08:00

OMG.

How long has it been?

Okay don't answer that, it won't be fair for you readers to venture that deep into your submerged consciousness to fish out that minuscule scrap of repugnant detail.

My apologies, dear readers, however few you are.

2010 has been a great year so far I must say, probably the best in the past five. Still, we're only halfway through the year, and I've yet to embark on the next phase of my life since National Service: university.

So my two years have gone by in a flash, filled with its fair share of fun, hardship and mundane boredom. NS gave me a slightly better physique, reinforced my innate rigidity and self-discipline, new buddies, a powered pleasure craft licence and a sixteen-month break from Life in general. During that period, I didn't think about stuff much, just drifted by day by day like a jellyfish in the vast ocean, seemingly without purpose, apparently without direction. But such mundane boredom practically forced my neural gears to turn, put my mental cogs into gear and with speed, thus I found myself thinking about happenings down the road while idling around in the sentry performing my service to the nation.

It's quite incredible: the things you think about when you have absolutely nothing to do. Your brain activity spirals from life after NS to life after marriage and everywhere else in between. Of course, the particularly important event pertaining to my existence right now came up lots of times, and it was during this long period of contemplation that I found peace with myself, Zen if you will. I came to terms with this tricky aspect of my psyche -more or less anyway - and told myself that its not worth it to throw away the balance I've so painstakingly built up ever since those Days. Not for some random flower, not for some trampled ones. The thing with my mentality is that both sides of my brain are constantly in conflict with each other, much like the embodiments of good and evil portrayed by angels and devils in Saturday morning cartoons. Whenever Left thinks of something, Right will overlap that thought with something that's totally converse from that. Example: Left thinks that I'd pass my PPCDL on the first try, Right will nonchalantly say "No." Then the two sides will squabble and fight, and endless thought thus precipitates. My mind functions that way, so though I may show a positive exterior, underneath that neatly crafted glamour is a warzone of epic proportions, where armoured dragons armed with Tesla cannons battle mechanized mammoth tanks bristling with battleship guns - whichever side wins, my mental well-being suffers. Fret not, the latter is not as lethal as it sounds. Like all good republics, my brain will build itself back up from the debris and ruins of the battle, using the devastated material to patch up and construct a new state of mental well-being, an upgrade if you will. I have to sort out my thoughts myself, and while talking to another person might aid in removing steam, ultimately I'd have to destroy myself and rebuild from the ground up.

I dare say I'm more careful now regarding matters of the heart, no longer will I pine and yearn for someone's affections so blindingly, so stupidly. Of course, rules always have exceptions, but the mental framework fabricated from the previous Mind War is still in place, and I HOPE that it'd be in place when I start school. I'm pretty sure there would be no less than a country of distractions there.

My mind hopes that statement would be false, but my heart says "Yes."

My body is going crazy.

Damn it.

Solo X'mas Year 2

2009-12-25T13:02:00.002+08:00

It's funny, when I feel perky and relatively awake, I don't wanna pen down a single word in this blog. But when I feel glazed over, tired and lethargic, the dams just break down on their own and unleash torrential tsunamis of literary produce into my long-forsaken web log.

First of all, Merry Christmas my dear readers. :)

What a year it has been, or rather, what a half-year it has been, since the beginning of the year was mundane and recital, boring. What made 2009 memorable was the second half, when things along and around my locus of control went on a roller-coaster ride. Thrilling yes, but at the plunge, your heart threatens to pop out of the protective confines of the rib-cage, jerking me back to those times. I thought I had felt the last of those sordid emotions for a while, but the Scriptwriter had other ideas.

How much longer must this continue? My emotions will hold, but I don't know how long they can hold for much longer.

Where Is She?

I don't wanna make the same mistake as before, don't wanna commit to something I have little confidence for. It just isn't fair, for Her mostly, not much for me. I don't want that to happen. I have to be 100% sure before I take the next step. All the distractions, all the temptation, I have resisted. However the question remains: for how long?

Please, appear soon. Till then, I'll live my life the way it is for the past 21 years.

In emotional solitude.

The Struggle

2009-11-11T20:52:00.002+08:00

A few months into any relationship, the girl would inevitably tell the guy, "Don't lie to me". The guy would - in the budding dizzying throes of romantic passion - say to the girl, "I promise".

That is the first time a guy will lie to his girl.

If this sounds familiar, it is because I came across this particular exchange on a video clip viewed online, albeit in an entirely converse context and setting. Russell Peters may have meant it as a joke, poking fun at the generalities of male and female, but the sad truth remains: promises are made to be broken.

How many times have you heard your friend complaining about the late-night exploits of her boyfriend with her exclusion, the seeming lack of attention stemming from prolonged proximity or the sudden and drastic drop in interest towards maintaining the relationship? It is difficult getting along with another human being of the same gender, much less another homosapien from the opposite gender. Being diversely different polarities, most guys cannot understand how the typical girl thinks, and vice versa. It takes time to forge a solid relationship based on trust and mutual assurance, and if done correctly with the utmost care and patience, that relationship will be long-lasting and fiduciary.

The union of two is a noble, wonderful thing, yet many guys (sadly) take the opposite gender for granted. To our credit, there are girls who do the same thing, but the trend is still against the more masculine (somewhat) gender. Many times have I seen girls being dumped by their guys, some shortly into the new relationship, others destroyed after surrendering years of their time, youth and innocence. At times, I question them: are those guys worth your effort, your trouble to please? Hesitation will precede either outright disagreement or eventual consensus.

Such is the paradox of the concept of Love.

I've heard my daughter cry for the second time in two weeks.

My other friend's on-off relationship with her guy bristles the hair on my back.

Idiots pestering a perplexed Sister of mine, while the apple of her eye continues to evade her.

Such is the Struggle.

I do not mind being alone, but my heart says 'No'.

Such is the torment of existence.

Jerks

2009-11-10T23:38:00.002+08:00

Seriously, why can't people just leave each other alone?

Why must they comment so much on another person's decisions?

Comment is one thing, inflammatory remarks are whole new incendiary substances all together.

I don't usually get angry or even incensed, heck I rarely even get pissed off, but this is the final straw that broke my overstrained, overburdened and much-abused back. Time and time again, I keep getting exposed to the same insensitive, ultra-egoistic and totally unnecessary remarks which could be kept in your own sorry, black hearts.

Why, is it a MUST to follow set paths to achieve a certain accomplishment? Is it some penultimate, non-verbal social RULE that everyone of us must follow in order to look 'normal'?

What incredulous nonsensical idiotic ubiquitous gibberish!

Are you still living in the time of the M1 Garand, where everything is state-controlled and society-policed? We are now in the era of the XM8, old ideals are constantly being flushed out, discarded, and replaced by newer, fresher and more revolutionary dogma. Time to move on people, the world is constantly evolving, and I think your cranium matter should do the same, however difficult that task may be for some of you.

Insults, sadly, are part and parcel of life, especially within this stage of a Singaporean boy's life. Over time, some form of immunity or resistance will have built up in response to the daily barrage of expletives and blood-boiling statements hurled your way. As with everything, there is an exception. There will come a time when too much is just too much, and enough is really enough, and all that pent-up anger and angst will erupt and devastate the trigger, the catalyst and everything else in between. Short-fused people will experience this more, and it is not necessarily a bad thing.

Thing is, some jackasses just don't know when to stop. Either they are too dense to notice that their words are causing some form of unseen, deep-seated and delayed-damage psychological hurt on the person or they are simply too ignorant to cease and desist. Perhaps some of them have latent mental retardation, some unknown genetic disease or maybe a combination of both. I would pity these people, but they probably deserved it.

One last thing before I end this angsty post, I don't require validation from lesser beings with regards to my OWN, PERSONAL life choices. They are, for goodness' sake, MY OWN GOD DAMNED LIFE CHOICES. I don't need you people to show me your personal point of view via insulting me for making a "mistake" or ridiculing me for taking the easy way out. Scoldings and blamings and insults coming from a bunch of Neanderthals who just started on the journey I completed a long time ago. Utterly ridiculous. Even my parents don't do this shit, what gives you the right to question my decisions?

YOU sub-humans only see the surface of the situation, the mere tip of the whole iceberg. You have no idea what lay beneath that decision, what factors shaped and moulded it, what sacrifices that had to be made. Going around accusing others based on your own selfish assumptions, and going on and on and on about it for God knows how long, you think its very cool? Well, screw you if you think that way. If you're not tired by the ad nauseum, I, for one, am.

And for goodness' sake, I've already BEEN THERE and DONE THAT, a long time ago, probably when you guys were still screwing up your own sorry lives. I have accomplished what I have set out to do, what I have planned for myself, which is more than I can say for most of you out there.

Silence might mean consent, but silence can also mean burning anger.

Speak to me only after you have accomplished what I have.

Love is Eternal Torment

2009-10-09T22:49:00.001+08:00

Love is a concept whose sole purpose is to endlessly torture human beings.

Thing is, we can't live without it.

The irony.

Situational Report

2009-03-29T20:48:00.003+08:00

Okay, so I haven't been blogging lately, or regularly for that matter. However, as I told myself when I created this web log years ago, this website was meant to be an outlet, an avenue for me to publish my literary pursuits. Whether or not they will be read (much less appreciated) is another matter, something which I don't put much thought into. If you want to read it, go ahead and enjoy, if not, constructively criticize and move on. Simple.

So I'm almost into my first year of serving dear old Singapore, and things are more or less stabilised. Like an old couple, I'm just waiting for my time to be up before I transcend into a new realm of learning and forging new relationships with the many faces out there. Honestly, I can't wait, but reality decrees that I'm having a much better life as before. Well, that's partly true, I get paid along with free physical training.

Recently, I caught the Nana craze, obtaining every bit of media related to the titular characters. For the uninitiated, Nana is a hit Japanese franchise which started off as a manga, later spawning two live-action feature length films and a full-bodied anime series in addition to an armada of according paraphernalia. What makes this offering so attractive has got to be the main protagonists, both named Nana. Their requisite trials and tribulations as they strive to fulfill their dreams are the focus of the story's plot, and the numerous ups-and-downs along with unexpected plot twists took my emotions for a wild roller-coaster ride when I watched the first film.

Unexpectedly, the franchise also rekindled my love for Japanese music, especially songs performed by pretty Japanese singers. There's Yuna Ito, the singer for the splendidly-performed "Endless Story", which had been endlessly looping on my recently-acquired iPod Touch. Then there's dear Ms Olivia Luftkin, a pretty little thing who hails from the West, but surprisingly speaks fluent Japanese, and is the singer for most of the opening and ending theme songs from the Nana anime. Though not a singer, Aoi Miyazaki had me enthralled with her cutish features, her innocent demeanor and excellent portrayal of the loveless Hachi, or younger Nana. Mika Nakashima as the older Nana is spot-on, both appearance and attitude-wise. It's as though she was meant to play that character.

On a side note, one of the more recent Gundam 00 Season 2 episodes featured a change in the opening theme song. No more "Fleeting and Everlasting Sorrow" from emo-boyband UVERworld, the new theme was written and performed by a newcomer on the block: all-girl trio Stereopony. Initially, I dismissed their song - a rockish ballad named "Across the Tears" - and prefered the old boys instead. But as time wore on and I listened to it more, I grew to like it, and after researching on the band (refer to my criteria for Japanese music) they became a regular on my playlists. Three 20-year old girls could come up with bloody good music; to me, their songs are the perfect examples of emo-rock. Listen to "A Single Petal" and read the lyrics, its bound to make your heart ache. Interestingly, Yuna Ito from the abovementioned Nana franchise performs the 2nd ending theme song of Gundam 00 Season 2, the beautifully-crafted "Trust You".

Speaking of Gundam, my collection currently stands at 61 models, across all grades and scales, give or take. My storage facilities are running out, again.

There are times when I feel a little lonely, but that's something I can deal with. I've always been somewhat a loner, preferring my company over anyone else's. However, much as my mind doesn't want to admit it, my subconscious screams out for the one person who can complete my mortal soul, someone who truly understands, appreciates and loves me wholeheartedly for the person I am. I made a decision: no more pretenses, no more relentless giving in without expecting anything in return - it won't work. I know she will come eventually, sooner or later, and though later would be more preferred (national liability wrecks relationships - its proven), a part of me secretly wishes it to be sooner.

That aside, the one thing occupying my time right now is this little secret ambition I have: Project Rainbow. A collaboration between myself and that sissa of mine, I have great plans for this series of novels. Combining sci-fi with fantasy and a host of other genres, I really hope it will be as good as the likes of Harry Potter, The Dark Tower series or even Twilight. This is one of my long term goals, that is, to at least publish one book before I bid this world farewell. My fingers are crossed, but I'll continue to work hard to make this dream a reality.

That's it from me this time, check back another time for another rare post. Take care!

Secret - Final Stanza

2009-02-24T18:59:00.000+08:00

Secret

Stanza Seven – Final Secret

Where is she? Where is she? Where is she?

Mizuki!

I’m sorry for yelling at you just now…

I didn’t know.

I had no freaking idea that life had been so harsh on you...

And now I’ve done this to you…

You don’t deserve this…

No one does.

I’m gonna make things right.

But…

Where on Earth are you?!

“AHHHH!”

Huh?!

Is that her?!

The roof!

Oh god!

***

Oh no!

Oh no!

The ledge…

It broke.

Have…to…hang…on…

But it hurts…my arm…my hand…

My heart…

I can’t hold on much longer…

My grip…

It’s slipping…

Oh no.

But I’m too tired, too exhausted…

I’m really, really tired.

Maybe this is for the better…

I’m sorry Father, but you’ll have to do without this foolish daughter from now on.

Let this be the last goodbye…

To you…to Oka-san…to…

Him.

I’m really, really tired…

…

“Mizuki!”

…

Huh?

This voice…

It’s him!

But why?

My hand!

Oh no!

***

“Mizuki! Don’t worry! I’ll pull you up!”

Oh my gosh!

What the hell did she do to dangle from the roof like that?!

Was she contemplating suicide?

Oh god…

I’m so sorry…

I will save you!

I must…

Just a little…

More!

***

Ow!

That hurt!

But I’m…

On solid ground again.

He saved me.

He actually pulled me up from the brink of death.

He’s looking at me, with relief washed across his face.

It was like that time, when he saved that little kitten from the front porch…

I can’t escape the fact…

I love him.

I really, really do.

This is it...

“Promise me one thing: whatever happens next, don’t move!”

***

I did it!

I pulled her up!

She’s as light as a feather!

Looks like her illness and stuff has really taken a toll on her petite body…

“Promise me one thing: whatever happens next, don’t move!”

Huh?!

What does she mean by that?

“Don’t move? Wh-”

“Just promise me!”

What is she up to?

“Alright, I won’t!”

She’s crying again…

Oh no…

Huh, why is she running towards me…

So quickly, so…

What?!

“I was so scared!”

***

“I was so scared!”

I’m not letting you go anymore!

Not ever!

I don’t care if I die!

I don’t care if my sickness gets worse!

I don’t care!

All I want to do is to be with you.

Is that so much to ask for?

His heart is beating so quickly…

But his warmth…

Its so…so…

Comfortable.

***

This silly girl.

You actually made me promise you to not move when you came and hugged me.

You are one silly little girl.

“I was so scared!”

Ah, so she was.

“You don’t have to be, everything’s alright now. Everything’s cool.”

She’s hugging me with all her might…

And she’s still shaking from that encounter…

And her tears…

They’re soaking my shirt.

But who cares?

I have her in my arms once more.

***

Rickson…

How can you do this to me?

After I’ve given you my all…

You discard me like used tissue for a girl you’ve barely spoken to.

You are a bastard.

…

I’ll back off for now.

You two won’t last long anyway.

One day, I’ll win you over with my own abilities.

And I’ll make sure you fall head over heels with me…

And be in my grasp forever.

Until that time…

Mizuki…

Please take care of him.

For me.

***

Finally, after all that drama, things are finally in place.

I have her in my arms once more…

And she’s returning it with her all.

This is the start of a new chapter of my life…

With her in it.

This is so awesome.

***

At last…

My dreams have finally solidified into something tangible…

Something real…

Something true.

The feelings were right all along, for both of us.

It feels good to have something work out right.

Finally.

I’m so glad.

***

I know that I’m still young, I still got a chunk of my future ahead of me.

Tertiary education, national service, university…

The road is still long…

For her as well.

Her illness won’t go away…at least until science provides the answer.

She also has her own life to lead, her own dreams to fulfill.

Surely, we will have to part ways some time in the future.

One day, someone more mature, more sensible will take better care of her, someone who truly understands her situation and plight.

***

We’re still so young…

There are a lot of things that can happen in the future.

If not on my side, it will on his side…

Certainly, the time will come when the two of us must part…

Some day, he will meet someone whom he can really share the world with, someone whom he can be with until the end of time…

***

Until that day comes…

***

Till the day…

***

“Shall we head back?”

“Okay.”

***

I'll do anything for your hand,

Holding it till our time is done...

++++

Secret ---------- End

Secret - Stanza Six

2009-02-24T18:58:00.001+08:00

Secret

Stanza Six – Secret Past

Mr. Lee?

Mr. Lee is Mizuki’s foster father?

That kinda makes sense, she has his surname.

As well as Rickson’s dad’s.

But they don’t seem like father and daughter.

What on earth is going on?

“Mr. Lee, what is …”

“Sit down you two, I’ll explain everything.”

***

Finally.

Some answers.

But they’re coming from the person I least expected.

But they are still answers.

Let’s go.

***

All I wanted was the warmth of your hands, your gentle touch.

Your smile.

Dear God.

Are those too much to ask for?

Why is this happening to me?

Again...

Why…me.?

Oka-san…

I’m alone again…

Why did you leave me alone on this painful world?

Where are you?

...

I don’t want this.

I don’t want this life anymore.

It’s too painful.

My heart…

It feels wrenched up…

Wrecked…

Broken.

But no.

How can my heart possibly break…

…When it wasn’t even whole to start with.

***

“Mizuki’s mum met your dad when he was in Tokyo on a business trip.

A young lad he was then: full of drive, confidence, money and of course…

Recklessness.

All in the course of a week, Richard met Mizuki’s mother, chatted her up, asked her out and conceived Mizuki.

Of course, her mother did not know it until four months after Richard had left Japan.

Richard came back to Singapore under the pretext of his business, but in reality – as Mizuki’s mother found out later – he really returned to marry your biological mother.

It was already planned before he left for his business trip.

The brief romance he had with Kasumi was really, a fling.”

***

My god!

How can my dad do that!

This is so…so…

Sad.

Mizuki…

***

“I met Kasumi a few weeks after Richard left for Singapore, but only got close to her after she found out she was pregnant.

She needed someone by her side to tide her through.

I asked her once, did she really want the baby?

She replied without a moment’s hesitation: ‘Yes.’

It was the only connection left between Richard and her, she said.

After arriving in Singapore, He had severed all links with Kasumi.

Mizuki is…the proof of their brief, passionate relationship.

And even if it cost her her life, she was determined to see her baby born.

And…it did.

She had a difficult birth, and the only way to save one was to let the other die.

At the hospital, the one thing that Kasumi said then was the one thing that sealed my resolve to raise Mizuki as my own.

She said: ‘The baby’s innocent. Save her.”

With that, I watched as the doctors worked to bring Mizuki into the world, at the expense of Kasumi’s life, which withered away slowly before my very eyes.”

***

Oh my god.

Mizuki’s mom’s…

Dead.

She really is all alone in this world.

I thought she was just a weird kid around school, not bringing her parents to school activities.

She doesn’t have any.

She…doesn’t…have…any…paren

ts.

Oh my god, Joyce.

What have you done?

***

“Kasumi had wanted Mizuki to bear Richard's surname, and since I was the closest thing she had to a relative, mine had to be included as well. For legal reasons.

Mizuki did not have a smooth-sailing life right from the get-go.

At three, she almost drowned in the bathtub during a bath.

At five, she developed an inferiority complex and shunned away from everyone, including myself.

At eight, she was diagnosed with pulmonary embolism, which aggravated her inferiority complex.

From that year onwards, Mizuki has been popping pills and undergoing thousands of treatment sessions just to keep her condition under control.

It’s not easy, but the girl managed to maintain some semblance of a normal life.

Over time she started to talk to me more, to my utmost relief and elation.

That is…

Until she started secondary school.

In her previous school, one of her male classmates was constantly taking care of her…Seeing to her every need in school.

Homework, projects, fending off bullies…he even carried her up the stairs once.

Mizuki, as innocent as she is, thought that it was the start of something good, something that could help heal her battered body.

Heal her loneliness.

She came back home everyday with a smile on her face, and I thought that the girl’s suffering had finally come to an end.

However…

As it turned out, the boy was only being nice to Mizuki for the records.

He wanted to enroll in some high class school, and he needed the record of his conduct to show.

As soon as Mizuki entered his class, the boy had her in his sights.

She was meek, weak and frail, the perfect target for his gentlemanly endeavors.

And my poor foster daughter thought they had a special connection, and continued to believe so until the day the boy stopped being nice to her.

Once his goal had been accomplished, he didn’t need to be nice to her any longer.

And of all days, he had to pick the day when Mizuki wanted to give him a mug she spent days making all by herself to break the news to her.

He put it to her directly, with no empathy whatsoever: he was only being a gentleman to Mizuki only for his conduct record, and that he simply could not stand one more minute in her presence.

Mizuki took it hard.

She was warded for clinical depression soon after, and stayed in the hospital for almost a year.

At that time, her pulmonary embolism also went nuts, giving her attacks as and when it liked.

During those dark days, I really thought Mizuki wasn’t going to make it.

I would have failed Kasumi.

Luckily for us, Mizuki came through, although her body is still significantly weak.

After that whole episode, I had her transferred to my school, to keep an eye on her.

Both of us kept our kinship a secret, for fear of ridicule, teasing and a repeat of history.

Nonetheless, despite all that I did, history still repeated itself.”

***

What?

Why is Mr. Lee looking at me like that?

Oh god.

...

I’m the cause of this mess.

***

“She came home one fine day and said that there was someone in school who caught her eye.

She had a crush.

Her doctors had warned me not to agitate her in any way to reduce the possibility of her attacks, and the one thing that would surely induce an attack was relationships with the opposite gender.

Nevertheless, Fate is a nasty thing - it made that exact thing happen.

I asked her who he is, and she told me it was the person sitting in front of her.

The school basketball team captain, the class scholar, the “Girl Killer”.

You, Rickson.

She was infatuated with you.

Apparently, her crush started when she saw you diving into harm’s way to save a kitten from being crushed by a car on the school porch.

That, coupled with the way you help your friends and stuff, made Mizuki fall completely in love with you.

She was really smitten.

To prevent the tragedy that had befallen before, I ran a check on your records.

And…you guys know the rest.

She really is your half-sister.

She didn’t take it so well, although slightly better than the previous time.

She believed that fact, but also didn’t want to believe it.

So, the only thing she could do was to hide and observe you from afar.

Like a shadow.

She knows that she cannot love you like Joyce can, therefore all she can do is to silently, saliently love you from afar.

I ask you now Rickson, is it worth it?”

***

…

Mizuki…

All this while you had been looking at me from behind the pillars, behind the walls…

You were too afraid to be let down again…

Too hurt to take another stroke of damage…

Therefore you confined all your feelings to yourself.

It was me.

I talked to you.

I unleashed the feelings you had kept inside for so long.

I caused you to suffer yet another attack.

I am so sorry.

I am so…so…sorry.

I didn’t know…

...

I have to find her!

She doesn’t have to suffer like this any longer!

...

Joyce…

I’m sorry too.

“Joyce, I’m sorry, but I have to do this. Thank you for everything that you’ve done for me. You’ll find someone better.”

***

“Joyce, I’m sorry, but I have to do this. Thank you for everything that you’ve done for me. You’ll find someone better.”

What?

What’s the meaning of this…

Is Rickson…breaking…up…with me?

No…

Why did it end like this…

No it can't!

“Is this the only wa-“

Where is he going?

Mizuki!

***

The wind.

It feels so cool, so gentle…

So carefree.

All those cars…all those people down below…

They look like ants from up here.

There are so many people down there.

One insignificant me won’t make much of a difference to anyone.

To this world of pain and sadness.

…

Okay, maybe Father will feel sad.

But I’m sure he will move on.

Oh…I’m feeling dizzy again…

Is it just me or is this ledge shaky?

Is the building shaking?

Why am I sliding off...

Oh no.

The ledge is giving way!

“AHHHH!”

++++

Stanza Six ---------- End

Secret - Stanza Five

2009-02-24T18:56:00.001+08:00

Secret

Stanza Five – Secret Anguish

Where am I?

Where is this place?

It reeks of familiarity…sterility…

The hospital.

Oh I remember now.

I fainted.

Ow, my head hurts.

My vision’s still foggy, and I can’t hear a thing.

I must have forgotten to take my medicine again.

Sheesh, I’m getting more absentminded by the day.

Is it because of him?

Speaking of which, where did he go?

Did he carry me here?

Or did he leave me behind…

No!

He brought me here!

I’m sure of it.

Ah my vision’s starting to clear…

…

Huh?

Joyce?

What is she doing here!

Why is she on the floor like that?

And are those tears in her eyes?

…

Isn’t that him!

But why does he look so crestfallen…

What’s that in his hands?

I can’t see!

Come on vision, clear faster!

Voices, I can hear voices.

My ears must be clearing.

“…sister!”

What?

Why did Joyce say that?

What has a sister got to do wi-

Oh no.

Is that my medical file he’s reading?

Oh no.

Oh no no no no no no no.

This is not happening.

“Gasp!”

***

What is going on?

What the hell is going on!

Is there anyone who can tell me what is going on?

Why is my father’s name in here?

Why is my father’s name listed as her father?

Does this mean…

No!

It can’t be!

But…

Father’s name: Richard Seras Tan

There’s no mistake.

It is really Dad’s name.

Could it really be…

Ah!

Mom mentioned something about Dad and a brief fling he had before marriage…

Oh my god.

Is Mizuki the result of that mistake of passion?

Answers.

I need answers.

She’s awake.

“Mizuki.

What is the meaning of all this?”

***

Oh no.

He found out.

Oh no.

My secret.

It’s…out.

The secret I’ve been keeping for so long.

He actually found out.

Him.

Of all people.

HIM.

I don’t know what to say.

But I have to say something…

“I…I…”

***

Why is this so?

Why why why!

Ah my head!

It’s hurting!

I need answers!

I need answers NOW!

“I-what?!

Don’t make me ask again!

I’ll make sure you regret not answering the first time.”

***

Oh my goodness.

Why is he so fierce?

So sudden, so swift…

So different from the charming him just a while ago.

It hurts…

My heart hurts from his words…

Like a knife…

My heart’s bleeding.

Again.

…

I knew it.

This was doomed from the start.

The ending was already cast in stone.

I saw the ending.

Yet I foolishly continued to cling on to what little hope I had.

Mizuki, you are the most imprudent girl on this world.

Life is back to its meaningless form.

It has no meaning.

Nothing has.

I’m sick and tired of this…

I want to end…

I want it to all end…

…

I need to get away from this person.

This person who is both the bane, and the light of my life.

What have I done to deserve this?

Oka-san, I’m scared.

I’m really, really scared.

I’ve got to get out of here.

***

What is going through that head of hers?

How can things suddenly spin out of control like that?

Am I on a gameshow?

This is so not cool...

Hey what’s she doing?

Huh!

She yanked out her IV tube!

She’s making a break for the door!

“Hey!”

SLAM.

I gotta go after her!

Click.

Someone’s in the doorway…

Who the hell could it be?

What in the-

“Mr. Lee?”

What the hell is the math teacher doing here?

This thing is going out of proportion by the minute.

I need answers!

“Sir, what are you doing here?”

“My daughter got hospitalized.”

His daughter?

Who?

Oh no.

Could it be…

“I am her foster father.”

++++

Stanza Five ---------- End

Secret - Stanza Four

2009-02-24T18:54:00.001+08:00

Secret

Stanza Four – Secret Revelation

I swear, prices are shooting up by the day.

Even canned drinks cost a small meal nowadays!

What gives?

This sucks.

Click.

“Joyce?!”

***

Oh god oh god oh god.

What have I stumbled upon?

No one was meant to see this, not Rickson, and certainly not me…

This is some serious-

Click.

“Joyce?!”

Oh no.

***

What the heck is she doing here?

And what is she doing with that pair of scissors near the IV tube?

“Joyce, what are you doing?”

***

Oh no.

He’s back!

And I’m caught red-handed!

The file!

Must not let him see it!

“Er…I was just in the area and I saw you exit this ward, so I thought of coming in to see who you were visiting.”

He’s so not gonna buy it.

***

Ain’t that convenient?

I bet she has been tailing me the whole time.

That means...

Oh crap.

She must have seen everything.

“Joyce…I can explain…”

***

Explain?

Explain what you moron!

Explain why you chose this sickly girl over someone like me?

You’ll explain alright, you will explain everything.

But not now, not when my heart’s in a million pieces.

“Don’t you say a word. There’s nothing you can say, that would make the pain go away.”

***

Oh no.

My worst fears have come true.

I’ve destroyed her heart.

What have I done?

“Joyce please listen to me!”

***

No I refuse to hear!

“No! I don’t want to hear anymore of your lies! Go away you heartless bastard!”

Oh no!

The file!

***

Now she’s really angry.

Oh boy.

She’s starting her throwing-stuff routine again.

Eh?

This file, its not Joyce’s.

It’s Hers.

Her medical record file.

Ah I knew something was evading me!

I still don’t know her name!

I’m sure this file has it…

“Don’t you dare open that file Rickson! Don't you dare!”

***

Oh no!

He has the file!

Must not let him open it!

“Give it back Rickson! Give me the file!”

***

What?

What is this?

Why is she suddenly so defensive over her love-rival’s file?

This is so unlike her.

What’s in the file?

Oh crap!

“Ouch!”

***

Ha!

I got it back!

Childhood akido lessons weren’t for naught.

Now to get out of here before the file lands in his hands aga-

“Hey Joyce! What’s the matter with you!”

***

The bitch!

That bitch actually tackled me!

What the hell!

It hurts woman!

You’re not going anywhere now!

“Give me the file Joyce, or I’ll really have to take it by force!”

“Do it then you heartless creature! After all I’ve done for you, you repay me with this violence? If you can live with yourself, then do it!”

Ah! This is so maddening!

What exactly is in that file!

I have to see it!

...

Forgive me, Joyce.

“Ow! Ow! Ow!”

***

He really did it!

He forced the file from me!

And it hurts.

Both my arms and my heart.

Rickson…you are a sorry little man.

Is the information within that file more important than me?

Is that girl lying on that bed more important than me?

...

The answer's blatantly obvious.

***

I got it!

Now to see what Joyce has been trying to hide from me, and of course, to finally obtain her real name.

This is so awesome.

I’m sorry Joyce, but you left me with no choice.

Now let’s see…

Ah here it is!

Mizuki S. Lee.

What a wonderful name!

And no wonder she’s so beautiful!

She has Eurasian and Japanese blood!

Mother’s name: Kasumi Lee Hirano

Wow her mom’s a mixed too.

Father’s name: Richard Seras Tan

Hey this name looks familiar...

Wait a minute.

…

What?

This can’t be.

This is…

My…father’s…

Name.

“That’s right, Rickson!

She’s your sister!”

++++

Stanza Four ---------- End

Secret - Stanza Three

2009-02-24T18:51:00.001+08:00

Secret

Stanza Three – Secret Ambition

Am I in Heaven?

Dear God, are you playing a trick on me?

Is this some supernatural tribulation I’m supposed to transcend to escape my sad lot?

Or is this a cruel joke cast upon me, an attempt to destroy the very fiber of my being?

Am I even awake?

Is this a dream?

But this feels so real!

His words, his touch, his warm embrace, his…sweet…sweet lips.

He sure lives up to his reputation.

But I still can’t believe it!

All this while I’ve only dared to dream of this remote possibility, much less entertain it.

It has always been a private affair, a forlorn reverie, my personal realm of delusion…

My secret ambition.

All my dreams have finally come to fruition, I’m glad…really, really…glad.

...

But no, we can’t be together…we can never be together.

Not with that secret…no…this can never be…it will never be…

But I want it to be like this forever!

I knew it!

This is a joke cast upon me!

Why is it always like that!

WHY!

***

Why have you evaded me till now, my little girl?

Where have you been all this while?

Although we’ve just made contact, I feel like I’ve known you for many, many years.

Okay, maybe she has been around me for the past three months, peeping at me from behind pillars and walls.

But this awesome feeling, it’s like she’s an extension of my body, the other half to complete my mortal shell.

She is The One.

But Joyce…what about her?

She has been by my side almost everyday for the past nine months, trying her best to fulfill my every desire.

And, given what has transcended last month…I guess I really do owe her something.

Can I really bring myself to do it?

But this girl in my arms right now, the feeling is just so right.

I feel like if I let go, she will disappear away into the sky, like a balloon after being pricked by a pin.

I know something for sure: I don’t want to lose her.

But I don’t want to destroy Joyce’s heart as well.

What am I to do…

***

Why is it always like this?

Why must I fly this high, only to fall so much harder…

Why am I always given false hope, drawn into phony senses of security?

Why, why, WHY?

I’m so sick of this…so tired…I feel like my breath is escaping from my lu-

Oh no.

Not now…please not at this time!

Oh god no, no, no, no, NO!

...

***

“Hey what’s wrong?! Hey! Hey!”

***

Man, that was scary.

How can someone just faint like that all of a sudden?

Did I do something wrong?

Was I pressing on her nerve or something?

I don’t think so.

So strange…

Oh the doctor’s out.

***

“Doctor! How is she?”

“She has just suffered a spontaneous attack from her pulmonary embolism condition. Luckily for her, it isn’t fatal. But I can’t guarantee she will be this lucky the next time.”

“Pulmonary embolism?”

“Basically, her pulmonary arteries, which carry blood to and fro her heart, are blocked by blood clots. She has to be careful of her own feelings and emotions, as certain things, activities or even words can have an adverse effect on her condition. She’s way too young to be going through all this…”

“…Thank you doctor, for everything.”

“It’s my job, just make sure you take care of her, young man.”

***

Pulmonary embolism?

Blocked arteries?

She’s too young to be put through this hell!

She must be taking pills day in and out, being subject to all sorts of treatments and taking every test medical science has to offer.

She’s still so young!

This is so sad!

Why must heaven play such sport on such an innocent young thing?

The world is a cruel place, and she has to go through it all alone and with her illness.

...

That does it.

I will take care of her for the rest of my life.

Someone as beautiful as her doesn’t deserve to live her painful life on her own.

I’m here for you my baby girl, I’m here for you now.

You have nothing to worry about.

...

I need some fresh air.

Hospital walls will always be this claustrophobic, no matter how flowery the wallpaper is.

Click.

***

Click.

Well, well, well.

Look what Fate has done dear Mizuki.

Steal my Rickson will you?

Ha! Heaven is fair!

Look at you now, lying on that bed, with a tube stuck into your wrist.

How sad, how very sad.

But all the better for me.

Once you are out of the way, Rickson will devote his full, undivided attention to me.

And me alone!

Ever since he started noticing you, the amount of attention he showers upon me has dropped.

And its all because of you!

You of all people! The mysterious transfer student!

Why must you barge into my perfect life!

I cannot allow it, I will not allow it.

History must never repeat itself.

…

Your IV tube…wonder what will happen if a silt accidentally appears on it?

Well for one you would forget all the pain you’re in right now, and fade away like a passing cloud.

I know its cruel, but you leave me with no choice.

What’s this?

A file?

Must be your records.

Enjoy these final moments Mizuki, I’m giving you the luxury before I end your tragic life.

Let’s see what’s ailing your petite little body.

…

What?

No, this can’t be.

Oh my god.

No, this…must be a mistake…

No it can’t be!

Oh my god.

No there’s no mistake…this name…

Oh my god.

++++

Stanza Three ---------- End

Secret - Stanza Two

2009-01-11T22:55:00.003+08:00

Secret

Stanza Two – Secret Meeting

“So, what did you say to her?”

How can I reply to that question? How do I even attempt to answer that question?

Give an honest reply? Oh please, she’ll chew me to bits and spit out the bones.

Try to smoke out of it? Hmmm…that may work.

Give it a shot.

“Oh nothing much. Just some schoolwork and stuff.”

Hope that worked.

Sorry my dear Joyce but I have to do this.

I need to know.

* * *

Schoolwork?

With an expression like that fixed on that face of yours, you have the cheek to say ‘schoolwork’?

What do you take me for, a three year old little girl?

I could bust you right now, but I want to see what else you have up your sleeves.

I’ll believe you…for the time being.

“Oh ok! You could ask me too you know, about schoolwork!”

* * *

“I will if I need to. Thanks.”

Hmmm…I think I did it.

Awesome, I deserve an Oscar for that outstanding performance.

Right…now we wait…

* * *

Oh the anticipation is killing me!

Two more minutes to dismissal.

TWO.

You might as well call it eternity!

My heart hasn’t stopped pounding ever since he popped the question.

Meet me at the rear gate after school, okay?

Weird, I thought it sounded like…

I love you, I want to be with you forever and ever…

AH!

NO!

My imagination is running wild!

He will never go out with a girl like me…Not in a million years.

Not with my secret.

…

Damn. The truth hurts.

Then again, he has taken the first step, which means he has at least noticed me!

That’s a good start.

Where we go next, I’ll leave it to Fate.

Fate, please be merciful, please let it be true.

Just this time.

RINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

* * *

“Alright Joyce, I’ll see you over at your place later to finish up our math homework.”

“Later? Where’re you off to now?”

“The boys need me to settle some stuff for them, I won’t be long though. You just go home first, take a shower and relax for a bit. Then when I come over we can get started right away! Sound good?”

“Hee hee! Okie dokie! I’ll see you later then, boyfriend!”

Phew. That was a close one. Once again I deserve an Oscar for that awesome feat.

Now. Time to put those nagging questions to rest.

And… why is my heart racing like a bullet train?

Am I looking forward to something?

Could it be…that I’m looking forward to meeting her?

Her…Wow.

This is a rather delayed realization: I don’t even know her name.

Good going, ‘Girl Killer’.

Tsk. I don’t even like that nickname.

Time to move.

Be still my racing heart.

* * *

Who does he intend to kid?

The boys need me to settle some stuff for them, I won’t be long though.

As if.

The ‘boys’ you’re talking about all have basketball practice today, so none of them need you to settle ‘stuff’ for them.

I bet my family’s reputation that you’re off to meet someone.

And I bet its her.

I’ll see what you’re gonna do.

And if you so much as dare to even two-time me, she’s in for it.

And I’ll make you suffer.

* * *

Where is he?

Where is he? Where is he? Where is he?

Was it all a lie? Was it a cruel joke cast upon me? Was it really a dream?

OW!

No! It’s not! It’s real! Everything’s real!

Then why has he not arrived? Why has his handsome face not appeared?

Calm down, girl, calm down.

He could be held up somewhere…probably by Joyce.

…

Or…or… one of his guy pals needed him to settle stuff for him!

Yeah that’s it! He’s helping a friend!

What a nice guy. No wonder I’m so…

He’s here!

* * *

Ah! she’s here already!

Oh that sweet, sweet face. I could look at it for hours and…

Eh? Is that possible?

Her eyes.

They’re not sad anymore.

They look…happy.

What’s this?

Why am I feeling warm all over?

Why am I getting the urge to smile?

* * *

He smiled!

He actually smiled at me!

That brilliant smile, normally unseen, is being shown to me!

I’m so glad.

* * *

Oh no. Why is she…

Why is she crying!

No, wait…she’s not really crying. Those are just tears streaming down her cheeks.

Tears of joy.

And her lips are arched into what people call…

A smile.

At last.

I’m so glad.

* * *

I’m so happy.

This has got to be the happiest day of my life.

Not only did he talk to me, he asked me out after school and he…

Smiled at me.

I feel like I can die peacefully now, having seen that radiant smile of his.

Oh the bliss, the joy, the…

“You look pretty when you smile.”

…

What?

Did he just say that to me?

OH MY!

He actually thinks I’m pretty!

Those eyes, those azure blue eyes...

I feel like I can just drown in them.

And I want to.

* * *

She has got to be the prettiest girl around school.

That face, that cute, cute face.

Why haven’t I noticed that until now?

Oh right.

She was always looking at me with those forlorn eyes, and her hair was always covering her face.

And besides, she’s always hiding behind something.

What a cute girl.

Pity you didn’t appear before Joyce, or else you’d be in her place.

My god, I can’t seem to tear away from that face, and what’s going on…my legs…they’re moving on their own!

Well, nothing bad about that.

* * *

He’s coming!

He’s coming towards me!

What am I to do?

Do I embrace him with open arms?

Or do I push him away with force?

What to do? What to do!

And be still my beating heart! Stop thrashing about like a trout on a line!

I need to think…!

Too late!

* * *

She feels so warm…so cosy…to the touch.

She smells of flowers, flowers blooming in the spring, fresh as ever.

And up close, she looks even more adorable.

Why has she evaded me till now?

Why is she still single!

Her breath on my neck…feels so…hurried, yet so…affectionate.

This feeling…is this what people call love at first sight?

This immeasurable sensation…it feels…good.

I think she’s the one, my one true love.

I have finally found you.

* * *

THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.

I’m…in…his…arms.

The one person I want to be hugged most is hugging me.

Oh. My. Goodness!

This feels so good!

It’s as though my prayers are all being answered today!

I’m so happy…I’m so glad…

His eyes, his oh so dreamy eyes…just makes me wanna…

* * *

Her eyes, her now delicate, lucid eyes…staring at me like a chipmunk…

And her lips…pursed together in this insanely tempting manner…

Just makes me lose…control…

Oh my body’s moving on its own again…

This has to stop soon…

But the destination…is…

Awesome.

* * *

Why that little…!

He really went to meet her!

First he hugged her, now he’s doing this!

THIS IS TOO MUCH!

What am I, chopped liver!

I’m your girlfriend for god’s sake!

Stupid moron! Idiot! IDIOT!

You’re gonna pay, Rickson Tan, you are so gonna pay.

And you, Mizuki, will suffer a fate worse than hell.

++++

Stanza Two ---------- End

Secret - Stanza One

2009-01-11T22:51:00.001+08:00

Secret

Stanza One – Secret Crush

I can’t do it.

No matter how I force myself, how I scold and hurt myself, I just can’t bring myself to do it.

Why? Why is it so difficult, so tough?

So painful.

I can only look at you from afar, observe your minute movements, giggle at your antics, smile when you smile…

Its painful, but this is the only thing I can do.

For I can never hope to measure up to her, to you, or to anyone else.

And besides…

He can never know about my secret… No one must.

* * *

Why?

Why is it that she always looks at me with such forlorn eyes?

Those sad, sad eyes.

It’s as though they hide a deep mystery, a cruel truth, a terrible secret.

Why do you always obscure your cute face behind a pillar, wall or …

“Rickson! Let’s go! Class is about to start!”

For some weird, inexplicable reason, I feel sad when I see that sad, sad face of hers.

I have only seen her smile once, and it was a wonderful, radiant smile.

Why has it disappeared?

I wonder why.

“I’m coming.”

* * *

Always, always, always.

Why is it always her!

Six months! For the six months we’ve been going out, he’s always noticing that girl!

And its HER at that! THAT girl!

What gives!

How am I paling in comparison to her? What does she have that I don’t?

No matter. You are not getting him. Not in this lifetime.

Not ever.

* * *

“Alright class, remember to turn in your A-math assignments by tomorrow! And have a good day ahead.”

“Thank you Mr. Lee!”

Yet another period has gone by, another segment of another monotonous day has ended.

And I’ve seen your beautiful back view for yet another period.

It’s not much, but its sheer bliss to me.

How I wish you would turn back and say, “Hi, would you go out with me?”

What a nice thought.

* * *

Even now, I can feel her looking at me, her eyes roaming up and down my back, looking for something delicate lost within the folds of my uniform.

And I bet she’s looking at me with those forlorn eyes.

Why? Why is she always trapped in that state of sadness?

No, I have to find out.

I want to see her smile.

“Hey…”

* * *

What!

What’s going on!

Why has he turned around!

Why is he looking at me!

Why is he saying “Hey” to me!

This can’t be happening, this cannot be happening…

But wait, isn’t this what I’ve been wishing for?

This is practically a godsend!

I must calm down… Must…calm…down…

* * *

Is she ignoring me on purpose? Or is she too taken aback by my sudden initiative?

“Erm…you there?”

* * *

No!

I still can’t do it!

I want to say something, but no words would come out!

WHY!

Why is this happening to me right now! This can’t be happening!

Focus girl! You have to concentrate! Snap out of it right now!

“………Hi?.......”

* * *

She replied!

She actually replied!

This is as close to a miracle as I’d get in this day and age.

Time to get some questions answered.

Time to see that wonderful smile of hers.

“Say…why is it that…”

* * *

I did it.

I actually did the one thing that I didn’t think I would be able to do.

I SPOKE to him.

My heart is pounding like crazy!

What’s this?

What is this fluttering feeling in my chest?

It feels…irritating…yet…warming…at the same time.

I guess its true then…my feelings for him…

But why…why has he stopped mid-sentence…

* * *

How can this be?

Why can’t I complete my sentence?

This never happens! It cannot happen! It will not happen!

But that face, that cute, delightful face bearing those forlorn eyes, framed by the wispy locks of her black bobbed hair, accentuating the sweetness of that endearing face.

This is the first time I’ve noticed, but…

She’s beautiful.

* * *

What’s going on?

Why have things come to a standstill?

Is it something I’ve done? Wait no, I haven’t done anything except…

Yeah…I haven’t done anything!

But so has he!

He has yet to complete his sentence, what was he trying to say!

My heart’s burning from the curiosity, set ablaze by the anticipation.

Ah!

* * *

Hmm? What’s going on here?

Why has my dear Rickson turned around to face that introverted autistic girl!

Why is it always her!

“HEY!”

* * *

That voice.

Joyce? Is that her?

Oh no, just when I was about to ask her.

No, it cannot end like this. I have to ask her.

I have to know!

“Meet me at the rear gate after school, okay?”

* * *

Eh?

Is that a…

Date?

He’s gone now, went off with her.

But does it matter?

Be still my beating heart.

I HAVE A DATE WITH HIM!

Am I dreaming? Is this the start of a vicious nightmare? Heaven, are you making fun of me?

Ow! That hurts. Ok, so its not a dream.

This is real.

Oh. My. Goodness.

Will my pain now finally go away?

++++

Stanza One ---------- End

A Post before the Year ends

2008-12-20T16:44:00.004+08:00

In but a while, 2009 will arrive at our doorsteps. A brand new year, a brand new experience, a brand new chapter in our existence. Personally, I'm looking forward to it, as it will definitely bring in happier memories as compared to 2008.

After all that had transpired within the past year, I've learnt a great deal, and slowly - but surely - proceeding on the path to adulthood. It has been a grief-stricken, heart-breaking, mentally-torturing, emotionally-taxing and potently depressing six months, beginning from the month of June to the start of October. I believe a little update is in order.

Let's begin.

It's funny how two distinctly different people can get together, and last for about 16 months. In hindsight, we were really two drastically opposite individuals, whether it is viewpoints or personal issues. Similarities uncovered during the honeymoon period were seriously, a load of crap - they were mostly conveniently manipulated to cement the cracks in the shaky foundation. I've been kidding myself all this while: I thought I was ready, but everyone knows how that turned out; I thought being nice was enough, now I know what a close friend meant when she said I was always being too nice to the people around me; I figured that if I could just keep giving, why not? That equilibrium had been shattered about a year into the abyss.

It takes two hands to clap, and I admit the hand belonging to me lost strength nearing the end of the dark journey, but also partly due to the actions of the other hand. What with the permanently pissed-off face, extreme clinginess and utterly negative responses toward any action I take to rectify the situation. The day my heart stood still and shattered was when my handmade card was received with merely a shrug. In the history of my life, I have never made a single card for anyone else apart from my parents, and it was only a passing fad. Always asking for the things which may not happen, constantly implying me to change, driving me to near depression, COMPARISONS; I had enough.

In retrospect, fissures appeared early into the relationship, yet I simply made use of my so-called legendary tolerance and endurance to brace it through, and to what end? Thinking back, I think the reason why I struggled to make it work was because I was in love with the feeling of loving someone. However for me, the equation wasn't balanced, never has been, never will be.

Alas, all things come to an end someday. For me, this is a learning journey, a roller-coaster insight into the dreamy realm of love. Someday, somewhere, somehow, there will be a perfect girl for me, and I will make her the luckiest and happiest girl on Earth.

That pretty much sums up the incident, I have long moved on, which is more than what I can say for someone else. If you're reading this, please carry on with your life, there is no point pending for something which will never happen again. Frankly, I'm afraid. The mere thought of going back to the old days sends shivers down my spine, a recurring nightmare. I am very happy with my life now: NS has made me fitter, and I now have more time to spend with my friends, especially with that daughter of mine, my schoolmate with an exotic name and of course my little mei mei. Not to mention all my secondary school friends which I have previously forsaken, what a foolish act. Oh, and I'm actually saving money now, even after purchasing Gundam models regularly.

I will not delete the past entries of that relationship from this blog, as I want to read them at my leisure and laugh at my own foolishness, and as a reminder to never again walk that same, dark path.

Thus ends my journey into the unknown, a journey best kept in the deepest sectors of my internal memory banks.

The wounds are there, but they will heal in time.

Cheers. :)

But A Memory

2008-10-26T11:00:00.002+08:00

Funny how life makes a joke of its subjects, putting you through emotional turmoil and mental torment, only to result in the one thing that you didn't want to see happen.

Well, I'm a victim of life's improbable circumstances.

A chapter of my life has been marked with the final full stop, and a new one will write itself in due course. Everything that had transcended is but a distant memory now, both good and bad.

I have moved on.

New Horizons

2008-09-17T11:41:00.003+08:00

Humans are funny creatures.

It usually takes a life-changing, thought-provoking moment to realise something, to appreciate someone, to truly value what we have. It is when we're close to losing something that we come to appreciate it. For the first time in my existence, the above has written itself.

As the saying goes, the grass is greener on the other side. I don't deny that, something out of reach is always that bit more tantalising, more wanted. Once the forbidden fruit has been bitten into, the appetite for it, the lust for it never goes away, no matter how much effort you put in to cover it. Humans are like that, easily swayed by temptation. The saying: you can resist anything, but temptation, rings sordidly true.

In a nutshell, I've almost lost my one true love. A number of factors played their own roles in this mess, some stemmed from myself, others came from the other side. But at the end of the day, we're all victims of circumstances. In our quest to know each other better, we overlooked the simplest fact: to remind each other of our love. Mushy? Yeah. But it's true.

Over the years, making her happy has been my utmost priority, something that I've been undertaking with an almost zealous devotion. So determined am I in my task that I've gone blind to her other needs and wants. She doesn't need happiness all the time, she's a human being, not a happy meal. And matters got out of hand when someone else entered the picture and succeeded without trying much to achieve that, and seeing myself fail time and time again just wears down my defenses, down to the point of nothingness.

Things finally came to a head yesterday. I could not handle the whole thing anymore, I really could not. Like a battle damaged mobile suit which has taken one too many direct beam shots, I drifted away from the mothership I'd sworn to protect. I'm sorry, but I just cannot bring myself to power up my systems and journey back to the mothership for repairs. The coup de grace came in the form of her test too, and I really felt as if my heart has been pierced clean through with the biggest beam saber ever manufactured. The scar may be permanent, but the damage will heal.

Love is a two-way street, it is never a one-man show. To reinforce and re-cement my justification of choosing her as my mothership, she came through. Like a life-saving tether, her words reached out to my wounded heart, slowly patching up the open lacerations, slowly closing up the gaping punctures. Really, sometimes all you need is to Stop, Look, and Reiterate what you have been saying for the past 16 months. People need to be constantly reminded, our memories are that bad. As much as I want to take care of her all my life, sometimes I myself need to be taken care of. That's why I have a mothership, and I won't leave it ever again.

After this terrible battle with my own demons and the whole situation per se, I've come to realise a number of things. In no particular order:
1) I am who I am. I cannot be someone I can never be.
My core programming dictates how I act, how I behave. Much as I want to, that side of me will never be able to be altered. Adapted yes, but the base of it will always be omnipresent. That said, it brings me to the next point.
2) I can stand to be a bit more vocal, more outspoken.
Part of my crux, the trait that defines me. He Who Swallows All. Its a bad habit, a bad habit which I'm trying to change, one tiny step at a time.
3) When all seems hopeless, eject the head, see with the heart.
My little girl has taught me this very important lesson, something which I'd lost in the rigours of my new, mundane life.

I also realised how much my family loves me through this ordeal. My mom never failed to spur me on, to make me feel better and to give me incredible advice in a bid to help me overcome my sadness. I think my aura for the past few days have been severely negative, and it kinda spread throughout the entire house. My mom told me that my sister was feeling sad too because of my sorrow, and my dad himself was actually angry. Not with me, but at the whole situation. He would rather me not have this relationship if it made me so darned sad. To my dear family, I want to extend a great big THANK YOU for being around. You guys are the best. No more sadness from me, no more unneccessary sorrow anymore.

Now that I've put the above somewhere permanent, it serves as a reminder to this painful period of my life. So all of my regular readers (a big thank you there), if you happen to see me waddling in my own pool of self-grief in future, please redirect me back to this post.

I concluded that I need a break from this whole thing, and I talked to my little girl about it. After compromises here and there, we finally decided on a short break, not only for me, but for the both of us. I think it will do both of us good, absence does make the heart fonder. I also need this time to truly relax, take a breather, so that I can advance with my little girl through the remainder of our lives. To rest is to prepare yourself for the greater journey ahead.

I will fight for my little girl. No matter the cost.

Agony

2008-09-15T12:31:00.001+08:00

Someone just kill me already.

More love please, we're Singaporean.

2007-09-10T13:00:00.000+08:00

Love.

How does one define that mystical term?

The Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English (International Students Edition) defines the word as: [U] a strong feeling of liking and caring for someone, while our favourite online encyclopedia Wikipedia states that love is a constellation of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection or profound oneness.

Indeed, the fabled L-word is based largely on the feelings both parties in the relationship have of each other. Without feelings, nothing "coupley" can be done. It's like trying to start a fire with a wet box of matches, damp kinder and a gale-force typhoon blowing in your face. Feelings are thus the fundamental building blocks for a relationship built on love, the nucleus of a seed atom which hopefully transpires into something new, exciting and rewarding.

Love, when it comes, arrives on a chariot driven by a quartet of prized steeds, each rivaling the winged horse Pegasus in terms of speed, agility and magnificence. It just slams into you, and before you can pick up your marbles and gather your bearings, you have already fallen too far into the quagmire of affection, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Some people are afraid of such a commitment, and try ways and means to get out of such a situation. They forsake the feelings and opinion of the other party in the relationship, regardless of whether or not they have officially started in the first place. The onus is on the fact that both parties are bound by an invisible, implied and understood contract of obligation right from the get-go when their feelings and instincts take control. Afterall, all of us are hardwired to find our second halves. Such scenarios often result in one party being devastated to the core, some even reaching to the extent of self-destruction, self-mortification or self-hate. The power one party wields over the other is scary, rivaling or even superseding the power of parents or authority. It is thus wise to seek the opinion of the other party before jumping to conclusions and solutions, as the method may sound good to you, but it may not be appropriate for the situation at hand. The results may not be what you have envisioned.

I read an article by Sumiko Tan in the newspapers last night, or rather this morning. She was talking about love and marriage, and I have to say I agree with her to the letter. Love is not about sex, security or sleaze, its about companionship, having someone - a very best friend - by your side 24/7. Knowing that she loves you and you love her, it colors and brings joy to your life, something that cannot be achieved with computer games, comic books or MMORPGs. We are, afterall, human.

Sure the package of love comes with a bewildering plethora of assorted paraphernalia, some downbeat, and some activist. It ultimately boils down to how the individual uses that package for the benefit of both parties, and that same package can be used to both induce pain, and to create extreme pleasure for the two primary variables in the equation of love. Guys out there reading this, please, don’t hurt your girls anymore; they don’t deserve that sort of torture. Seek their opinion, get clearance before attempting anything dire, and do not, under any circumstance coerce her to do something which you know will ultimately obliterate you both. The specter of break-up is shadowy, evil and malevolent to the very core.

Indeed.

In sum, it takes two hands to clap, likewise in a love relationship, there has to be giving before taking can commence, and when that happens you will naturally feel great about it. Why? Well, how would you feel if the girl you love returns the favour of giving by interpreting it in her own way? It is a feeling that falls short of any description by mere words, but it can be roughly described with this statement: the person you love loves you back.

Love is a narrow two-way street, you have to put yourselves into each other’s hands to make it to the end.

Quoteworthy Quotes

2007-08-31T14:20:00.000+08:00

The path less trodden is a path rife with treachery, danger and hidden surprises at every turn.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be bright, but the tunnel itself is dark as night, very dark indeed.

Standing vigil by the candlelight for the eventual return of the ship, only to have it delayed yet again, without forewarning or any prior indication.

Tough times demand tougher measures; escape is hardly an option worthy of notable consideration in dire times.

To push the boundaries of endurance, to test the frontiers of tolerance, to tread precariously into the great unknown, such is bravery, yet the intrinsically unique limits must not be forsaken or forgotten.

Reaching for the stars requires more than mere puffery and sweet talk to cajole a nova to descend from the heavens; solid action must be taken to wrench the wretched celestial entity from its perch in the inky sky.

An equation will always be balanced by the presence of a constant variable, yet the entire sequence will be thrown into disarray by the incidence of other factors mutually exclusive of the constant variable.

A single tiny ember of flame is all it takes to spark a wildfire razing several acres of evergreen forest.

One slight miscalculation on the captain’s part will result in the demise of the entire vessel into a maelstrom of gargantuan proportions, into the gaping maw of a kraken or onto a bed of razor sharp rocks like a beached whale.

The wheel of fate constantly turns, the engine of destiny relentlessly runs, and the monolith of time persistently surges ahead.

Focus is a double-edged sword. Control and discipline is the key to wielding the weapon as though it was an extension of the arm.

Absolution comes at the cost of dissolution.

Sunlight, however abundant, will expire one day.

Nothing is forever.

Team Players

2007-08-29T21:06:00.000+08:00

Team Players

The following is a non-exhaustive list of personality types that characterize an individual’s team performance. Some individuals may be a combination of two or more types. This is only a guide, and individual results may vary upon comparison.

Worker Bee
Description: The best team mate to have in a group. Does his assigned work diligently and seldom with complaints. Submits said work in advance most of the time. Tend to suffer when presenting arguments or doing pitches, which can be circumvented with practice.
Countermeasure: Why do you want to counter such a gem?

Intrepid Hero
Description: Good leadership qualities coupled with good interpersonal skills make this team member an invaluable asset. Will be the liaison between the group and authority, and will take initiative to seek out the best deals for the team. May be overcome with arrogance if not careful.
Countermeasure: Keep him in check, and do not let his own ideas go to his head.

Houdini
Description: Team member who mysteriously vanishes from the face of the earth, usually during crucial times. Unable to reach during said emergencies as all communicative devices and outlets will be severed from the source. Usually reappears in the nick of time or after the deadline.
Countermeasure: Keep track of his movements, and obtain proof of his performance. During critical periods, monitor his activity closer, make him stay with the group to complete his task, or threaten using lethal force. Tie to a leash if necessary.

Drifter
Description: Team member who moves away from the main discussion. Usually goes from the discussed topic to another topic of an alternate interest, like dinner. Severe cases may have multiple occurrences during a single meeting. Drifting is contagious.
Countermeasure: Keep him focused on the task at hand. Silence any semblance of drifting at the first opportunity with authority. Use force when necessary.

Sleeper
Description: Team member who sleeps, literally, at any meeting place under any circumstance. Sleep periods range from a few minutes to multiple hours. During said sleep periods, he is close to impossible to wake up unless sufficient force is applied. Extreme cases may have snoring instances and sleep talking occurrences attached.
Countermeasure: Ensure sleeper has something to do. If he nods off to dreamland, wake him up at the first opportunity. Apply force as needed. Specialised waking tools recommended.

Nocturnal
Description: Team member who frequently hands in assigned work in the wee hours of the morning. Typically turns in work between 1am to 7am, regardless of deadlines or interests of other team members. Can usually be found with numerous excuses for their lateness, citing family issues, health problems or equipment malfunction.
Countermeasure: Force him to submit work before stipulated time, else face dire ramifications. Blackmail if necessary, and keep proof of his lateness for future consideration.

Glutton
Description: Team member who self-imposes a break, usually lunch, on himself and returns hours later. Breaks can range from 2 to 4 hours. Often cites long queues and convenient accidents as excuses. Communication efforts to locate him also curiously come up to a brick wall.
Countermeasure: Attach another team member to follow him for breaks, and have both of them return at a stipulated time. Exercise caution: gluttony is contagious. Bombard with communication efforts or send out a search party if necessary.

Bootlicker
Description: Team member who agrees with everything and anything that is being said, even if the subject matter is totally irrelevant or impractical. Does not seem to possess a mind of his own, let alone opinion. Will change his mind at every turn, or when a new fact that is of general or major consensus appears.
Countermeasure: Shut him up. Seal his vocal canal if necessary.

Opposition Party
Description: Team member who is the opposite of a Bootlicker, and disagrees with anything that the team leader or majority of the team members put forth. Finds fault with everyone at every turn. Can be an utter annoyance. Similar to Bootlickers, he has no mind of his own, although he possesses limited opinion.
Countermeasure: As with Bootlickers, the best way to counter is to shut him up and do not be affected by his words.

Laggard
Description: Team member who is slow to comprehend and understand facts presented during a discussion. Limited sentience present, facts have to be slowly brought across to him in a slow, child-like fashion. Frustration and anger will follow in most cases. Usually performs to standard provided that standard has been thoroughly explained in detail.
Countermeasure: No known countermeasure, explain slowly at the expense of your temper.

Nazi
Description: Team member who refuses to accept any other idea other than his own. Usually subsists in leaders. Tends to think of all other ideas as inferior, and will try ways and means to impose his will upon the group. May use force to get his way.
Countermeasure: Make him see the error of his ways by showing him the impracticality of his idea through examples. Consult authority if needed, or threaten with lethal force.

Hider
Description: Team member who blends in with the scenery using a laptop to shield his presence from the group. Appears to be furiously typing away on his laptop, but in actuality he is surfing the net, playing a game or chatting on MSN. Disregards whatever has been said during the meeting and usually requires guidance when performing his bit of the work.
Countermeasure: Use physical force to bring him back into reality. Slam down laptop cover or yank off power adaptor. More subtle means include emailing him and approaching him on MSN even if he is within close proximity.

Gangster
Description: Team member who uses threats of violence to worm out of work assignments. Usually applies such duress in crucial times. May cite stress and personal problems as reasons for non-commitment. More often than not, the threats are usually empty.
Countermeasure: Be firm, counter-threaten with force or authority if necessary.

Puppet Master
Description: Team member excelling at personnel manipulation. Often gets others to perform his tasks. Victims are usually Worker Bees. May use force, threats of force, favours, sweet talk, or monetary consideration to get their way. Often slips by undetected by the team leader. May edit done work to pass off as his own.
Countermeasure: Warn group of consequences prior to beginning of project, and constantly monitor and check turned in work for crass similarities.

Copycat
Description: Team member who is exceptionally lazy and copies and pastes whole chunks of information from a website without proper paraphrasing or referencing. Source is usually Wikipedia or any encyclopedia websites. Extreme cases may have plagiarized portions still in their original forms in terms of text style, font and size.
Countermeasure: Assign work like research that can only be done through print media. Minimise or totally exclude the assignment of online work.

Overlord

Description: Team member, usually leader, who is extremely domineering and most often possess a superiority complex. Usually moves around the group getting people to do stuff, while not doing anything himself. In short: all talk and no action. Tend to be loud and boisterous in an attempt to instill fear in the other team members. May turn violent if his instructions fall on deaf ears.

Countermeasure: Do not give in to his threats, reason with him and threaten to go on strike if needed. Get the support of the other team members and organise an efficient strike force against the oppressor.

Disclaimer: This does not represent the interests of any authority related to me, and it purely a leisurely pursuit of my literary interests as well as for entertainment. Parental guidance advised.

The Melancholy of School, School, School

2007-08-29T19:22:00.000+08:00

Hello people.

Yes, yes I’m back to my trusty blog to write about issues I’ve faced during the endless quest of life. Be prepared for a long and wordy post, I don’t blame you if you click the “Back” button at the top left hand corner of your browser halfway (or even quarter-way) through. Then again, if you’re a reader of this site you should be aware of my love for words, and more-or-less enjoy how I string them together into an anecdote of my peculiar life. Let’s begin shall we?

First a recap: we’ve been together for exactly three months and seventeen days as of 29th August 2007. It’s a long and perilous journey I must say, but nonetheless exciting, refreshing and downright rewarding. I mean, it feels so good to shower care and concern over someone you care about, and she (I emphasize SHE, in case some newer readers get any funny ideas) reciprocates by letting you shower your care and concern over her, and sometimes returns the effort. It’s more than enough for me, I don’t really ask for much, just the willingness to allow my care and concern to seep through into her life is more than sufficient. Being brought up in an environment where myself is secondary to everything else, couple that with my innate nature to be nice and you get a guy who is looking out for his girl at every turn.

Her academic year has begun, and she is busy, real busy, trying to transit smoothly from one: JC life to Uni life; two: from slack holiday life to uber-unslack Uni life; and three: from schooling while still single to schooling while attached. Thus, she’s having quite the time preparing herself for the newest chapter in her life. Well my friends, if you’re one of my poly classmates or schoolmates (Yo dudes), you guys should know what I’m talking about. From what I’ve gathered, poly life is somewhat similar to Uni life, although its one degree slacker. Still, the gist of the fact is that poly people have an advantage over JC peeps (no offense to JC-goers) when both education models converge in university. A number of factors justify this, and each will be discussed in turn (MASINA essay, minus the Social, Political and Economical impacts).

First and foremost, the curriculum in university is strikingly similar to that in poly. I can draw comparisons cause my sister is in a JC and some of my closer friends hail from a university. I myself, am proud to be from Ngee Ann Polytechnic, therefore, with information from all three educational systems, I can safely say that I’m equipped to make a comment(s) (fair comment in the name of public interest) on this issue. Sorry, I digressed, back to the initial issue.

When we first started poly, on the very first day, we were bombarded with at least seven projects and assignments from all seven modules we were taking, and some of them were due in like week 3. The first, and most natural reaction was of course, shock (Insert soundbite: Halo_Covenant_Grunt:SFX#23 – “We’re all gonna die!”). Seven assignments is alright, if all of them were individual reports of 1000 words each. But no, they had to be GROUP assignments, and major ones at that, accounting for up to 40% of the module grade. I mean, we’re only in our first year, first DAY at that, and they expect us to form efficient teams with people who we’ve only met like twice. Madness. Plus, we have to do that seven times. Utter madness.

Let’s jump to a JC. Well, my sister started out school well, and ended her first year well: no wall-banging, head-smashing or premature surfacing of self-mortification, depressional or latent suicidal tendencies. Everything was spoon-fed to her. Textbooks? None, the tutors got them to get photocopied notes from their bookstore, where everything and anything on the subject can be found. Homework? Close to none, even if there were, she could hand them up late and still get promoted, not that she did so anyway.

For us poly dudes, its like we had to queue like crazy to get hold of one stupid textbook that we only used for like one bloody semester, and its only the tip of the iceberg if a project - which also counts as our homework - demands information on that particular topic. The rest of the information has to be sourced either electronically online (a poly-goer’s best friend apart from the laptop) or manually through the school library. The latter is too comfy a place to do some serious research, and the materials there are limited if you’re not looking for textbooks. Therefore, the next best place to head to is the mother of all book-keeping facilities: the National Library. You can imagine the utter madness sourcing for information for seven god-damned modules.

The subject matter per se of the projects themselves didn’t help matters, picture going through a proverbial mountain of 10-inch thick monoliths on the principles of marketing only to find one or two chapters which are relevant to the project, like say advertising. Then, when we want to zap the pages we required we’re slapped with a warning: 10% of a book or one chapter and that’s it, any further and you will be charged in court. Bummer. The Copyright Act has struck again. Thanks Mr. Law, thanks for screwing up the already screwed-up public domain.

In Uni, the aforementioned comes charging into the face of the freshie as soon as he/she steps into the classroom, with no space and no room for consultation, consolation or condescension. One word describes this nicely: boom.

Next, JC peeps don’t really need to go online all the time to get study materials, as all of their materials are in hard copy provided by the school. My sister’s JC has an online portal, where her tutors upload work for them to do. You can think of it as the caveman version of Ngee Ann Poly’s Mobile E-Learning platform, affectionately shortened to MeL. If we want notes, we have to log on to retrieve them, and print them out for ourselves. Course outlines, assignment briefs (not undergarments but instructions) and whatnot are all uploaded by our diligent lecturers the day before their lessons begin. They expect us to be ready with our material and read up or prepare any work prior to attending the lesson. To not be ready is to be marked down for the fabled class participation, and as the years progress, that fable will not be so mystical indeed (hint hint).

Also, assignments are handed in through the web portal, in forms of discussion board entries to essays turned-in through the annoying system of Turnitin. The school wastes money on that irritating system to combat plagiarism throughout the school, more so in our faculty, as the media industry demands originality and accuracy. Even so, I personally know a few people who successfully circumvented the system, and still wound up with good grades.

Ah, the partiality of life.

I forgot to warn my girl about the abovementioned, but then again I wasn’t aware of the existence of SMUVista, the SMU version of MeL. Still, I should have warned her, drats. As a result, she was totally lost on her first day of school, as with her other JC friends, all like lost sheep milling about in a new pasture, unsure of where to go, or whether or not the grass beneath their feet is edible or not. According to her, she said that the poly-grads were freakishly prepared before the lesson, and participated with an almost fanatical zealotry in class. I don’t blame them, as in poly, class participation amounted to a mere 10% of the module grade, the difference between a grade, like a C and a C+. In Uni however, that 10% is multiplied fourfold, into EXAM weightage of 40% (exasperated gasp alert). Therefore, knowing the magnitude of said class participation, the poly peeps naturally prepared beforehand to take advantage of the somewhat “free” marks to get a good grade. My poor little girl on the other hand, wasn’t prepared in the least for that, but she’s learning day by day, and I’m proud of her.

Right, time for a benchmark. We’ve discussed the issue of textbooks and homework and compared that of a JC-goer to those of poly and Uni students and we’ve also looked at the double-edged usefulness of online learning portals. Before I go on, I would like to say that my fellow mass commers are really in for a treat by coming to my blog as the whole post is saturated with Easter eggs that can only be understood by way of true innuendo.

At last, we’ve come to the touchiest topic of this blog post: groups. Groups are the norm in a poly and Uni, and almost every module has at least one major group project due during the course of study. Take for example one of my first-year modules: Written Communication. On first glance it seems to be a module that doesn’t include any teamwork, and I thought so as well, until the assignment brief for the Proposal assignment came along. We had to work in groups of at least two, and the worst part was (wait for it), we got ASSIGNED partners. We didn’t even get to choose who we wanted to work with, we just got thrown into a contract. There was no acceptance whatsoever and neither was there valuable consideration. We could have brought an action against the lecturer for void of the contract, but then we were Year Ones who didn’t know a thing about media law. Vinod came too late. In case you’re wondering, I got an A for that module, and the group assignment garnered a B+ grade. Luck.

That said, someone approached me on MSN one fine day after Semester Two began and said she agreed totally with my MSN display name. It read: Another semester of trickery, hypocrisy and backstabbing has begun. How true. In group projects, there’s always the specter(s) of sleeping (literally) members, teammates who suddenly just vanish like Houdini, people who turn in delegated work like three in the morning, guys who go for day-long lunch breaks during group meetings and of course the fan-favourite team member who agrees with whatever is being said, even if it is false, weird or totally irrelevant to the subject matter. There are also the laptop hiders, dudes who hide behind a virtual wall of privacy and anonymity granted by their laptops, and the only way to reach them is through MSN (even if they’re just directly in front of you) or by yanking their power adaptors from their portable computers. Evil, yes, but it gets the job done. That’s the trickery bit of my display name.

Then there’s the omnipresent threat of hypocrisy and backstabbing, which can be condensed together. Usually, from experience, hypocrisy gives way to backstabbing, and if one isn’t careful, he/she could be stabbed by the same person numerous times for multiple modules. Some people are really two-faced: sure they can be your friend outside of school, joking and laughing with you as though the both of you were long lost friends, but throw in a work setting and witness the stark transformation (Insert soundeffect: Transformers_Misc:SFX#001 – Transformation_effect). One little flaw in your proposal, one minor detail overlooked, one little error in your bit of the work and the negative pejorative comments rush in like a towering tsunami. By word-of-mouth, that one comment spawns a host of other comments, some ridiculous, some ludicrous, but all utterly believable to the ears of a third party. Even confidential information can be floated around as though it cost the price of a peppercorn, and some extreme cases had the victim’s personal information being used against them, to force or coerce them to perform a task against their will (academic-related mind you).

Scary? Definitely.

In a JC, you don’t really have to work in teams all the time. There’s only the Project Work (PW) subject that’s A Level examinable in year one, apart from that there’s really no other chance to work in teams if you were not in a CCA. In poly and Uni, we were thrown (notice the usage of the term thrown) into groups, and given limited freedom in choosing who we want to work with. Also, we don’t know the individual capabilities of people until we got to know them better, and that comes only after a year of scrapping through projects with people who initially proved capable, only to fail you when it comes to crunch time.

With that, I’ve come to the end of my rare post. The purpose of this post is to allow my thoughts about this subject to be penned down, as my girl’s going to Uni has made me think about this issue a bit more as compared to the past. It also helps me to vent frustration, sort of. Nonetheless, thanks for reading another of my wordy posts.

Cheers.

How We began for Dummies

2007-07-12T14:07:00.000+08:00

Yo peepos.

First of all, I would like to ask all of you not to kill me.I'm sorry for the utter lack of updates, but really, I didn't feel like writing.

That said, its time now for a major update, yes yes its about that.

Its July 12, 2007 today, exactly 2 months since I've held my beloved's little hand. Before that has been really an experimental stage, as both of us are unsure of what we want, and what the other person wants or feels. I received her vibes, weakly at first, during the first few months of this year. But those vibes were overshadowed by the calling of my heart for another girl during that time. It was only a temporal infatuation.

This however, is not.

Since March, during our first "date" (note the inverted commas), the vibes started to get real strong, and I found myself being pulled into the quagmire that was her. Is this the fabled love? Or was it just a passing crush, a fad like Beyblade?

It was the former. As we went out more often the feeling started to increase in strength, intensity, frequency. It was at this time that I did something unfair to her: I sneaked in stuff usually reserved for couples during our "dates". Really, if people see us on the streets they will mistake us for a couple. For that I sincerely apologise: sumimasen! Its no wonder the poor girl felt confused and lost, as we were really sitting on the fence, neither here nor there. That phrase was a hot buzzword between us during April - May 2007.

The relationship got strained a couple of times. The first was over MSN. Her deep thinking process started and she began to question the validity and sustainability of our relationship. She was tired of loitering, she wanted to be somewhere, either HERE or THERE. As my mum puts it, women want results. The hint was pretty obvious then, but I still withheld myself, as 19 years of singlehood made me think of the worst-case scenario of advancing further rather than the good side(s) of it. Money was one thing, my parents were another. But my worries are for naught, as I'll explain later in this post.

So after that nasty episode which fell on a Thursday, I felt tremendously sucky the next day. I don't know why. My stomach was churning over and over and over and it felt like it was dissolving itself. That is when I mustered up enough courage to approach her on MSN, something unprecendented in the history of James (insert Applause). We thrashed things out and came to a temporary but viable solution courtesy of me: let nature run its course and give each other more time.

And yes indeed, it was but a temporary solution to a much long term problem.

I shall cut to the chase. The date was 10th May, 2007. We were supposed to go watch Spiderman 3 at VivoCity. For the first time in the relationship I was late (boohoo), and she waited an hour for me. However, she didn't complain much, and still gave me her signature smile. She was decked in this absolutely cute one piece garment, with a matching bag (which I had to carry in exchange for courier service of my sweater) and (gasp!) 3-inch heels! Its not everyday that a girl could come up to around my nose level, I mean some girls in my course wear 4-inch heels and I still can't see them if they are directly infront of me. Sorry I'm just being evil.

Anyway, the day went on smoothly at first, the movie was great, her company was great, dinner was great, her company was great, her gift to me was great, her company was great, the walk we had after dinner was great, her company was great. You get the idea. It was at the end of that walk that the reality of the situation sank into her. It hit her like a sledgehammer. Wham! Her mood immediately turned 180 degrees into the negative zone. I tried my best to turn it around, but I failed. My status wasn't appropriate for that at that point in time.

After we parted ways, I felt sick again. The stomach-churning was back, this time more than before. I went online, hoping to catch a glimpse of her, and she was! We conversed and the hint appeared again, this time it was super duper impossible-to-miss obvious. Well, being the passive shy fool that I was I tried popping the question over MSN, but I failed, terribly.

The following days were pure agony. My bodily systems slowed to a crawl, my reflexes dumbed down, and I couldn’t muster that speed that never fails to amaze her. I just can’t function. In school, I tried my darndest to pull myself together and try to suppress the negative feeling. My stomach was practically imploding. To add fuel to fire, my messages were replied with utmost frankness devoid of any emotion, totally different from the situation just a day ago. Come to think of it now, its scary, but I can’t blame her. I acted as if nothing happened and hoped naively that things will go back the way it was before 10th May, 2007.

At night, as I prepared to turn in for the night after receiving a rejection from her. I thought of all the fun times we shared, the random videos, the disturbing of each other at work, the harmless teasing, her smile. Tears rolled down my cheeks. That was when I made my steely resolve.

The next day at work, both of us tried our best to make it seem like nothing has happened. Nobody at our workplace knew of our solo outings, much less the situation that we’re in. However, she felt distant, as if she was deliberately shunning me. After work, at the bus stop, she maintained minimal conversation with me and when her bus came, she did the thing that I was most afraid.

She returned my sock to me.

At that instant, as she boarded the bus, I felt my strength go out with her. She was gone. That statement played back in my head over and over. I sat down on the cold metal seat of the bus stop, and contemplated. Ten minutes later, I reached a decision. I slid up my phone, and found a number.

I hit the call button.

The phone rang for a while, then someone over the other line said “Hello.”

Relief flooded through me. She hasn’t cut me off completely. Yet. There’s still time to turn the situation around.

I fired a wild shot, asking her to wait for me at her place’s park. Well, that shot found its mark, and she agreed. Thrilled, I quickly boarded the bus and sprinted to her place.

There she was, sitting solemnly on a bench, awaiting my arrival, awaiting closure. I spent the next hour talking things through, and trying my absolute best to pop that question, but I just can’t seem to get it out of my mouth. During that time, both of us teared, and it pains me to see her tear. So henceforth, I swore never to make her cry.

Anyway, I was beating about the bush like mad, as she said later, I beat the bush until there wasn’t any bushes left. Practically leveled the entire garden. I can’t help it, I’m just not accustomed to saying such things – that’s what four years in a boy’s school does to you. But in the end, I finally got it out, and got the desired result. I asked if I could hold her hand, she meekly extended it after some thought and I quickly grabbed it. Her soft, delicate and strangely small hand now rested in mine, and has been like that ever since.

That, folks, is how we got together.

The following months were eventful to say the least. The money issue I mentioned previously came up a few times, but I got over it. It’s a guy’s perogative to offer to pay for most things when we go out. But then she’s cute, she offers to pay for certain items from time to time. She wants to be independent she says.

Then there’s the parent’s issue. She told her parents first, and got some rather serious feedback. However, after several visits to her place, most notably first month and for lunch, her parents kinda got to know me better, and I think (keyword: think) that they find me harmless, harmless enough to allow their smallest daughter to continue dating me. I even helped her mom translate a short paragraph of words and came up with letter replies. Into their good books I go!

My parents were easier to handle. They have long suspected something fishy was going on between their son and this girl he’s talking to almost everyday. Why, the last time he talked to someone else over the phone for such a long period of time daily (1~3 hours) was during Secondary 1, and it was his guy classmate. So one fine day my sis asked me if it was true, I didn’t say yes or no, I gave a grey answer. Then she asked if we held hands already. To that, I gave another grey answer, but my sis, being the nosey parker she was, didn’t give in. She pressed me again and again during dinner, until finally I had enough and said, “Have la!” There, cat out of the bag.

Triumphant, she told my dad, who heard every word as he was with us. My dad didn’t say anything much, just said that my mum and him held hands on their second date, and sounded mighty proud while saying that. To think my parents are so liberal. My mom found out about it soon enough, and told me not to take it so seriously, seeing it as my first time. But then I thought, if you wanna do something, do it well, else you’ll regret later. If this relationship is a dream, I so don’t wanna wake up from it. My parents are now more or less in favour of her, after lunch on Sunday. Cheerful, friendly, chatty – that’s how my family described her. My dad told me to “carry on”. I think that’s their way of saying “PASS!”.

Two months have whizzed by in a flash, in retrospect, it really is a perilous journey less travelled.

Indeed.

The times spent with her can never be replaced: unique, special and downright memorable. It always seems that we can't have enough of each other, can't seem to spend enough time with each other.

Yes there's this episode that really threatened to sink this ship - we went out consecutively for 4 days, and at the end of it, both of us felt a sensation of overdose, too much of each other. By reflex, both of us went through our cyclical thinking processes, and it was starkly clear that the relationship could end there and then, before our first month. However, we got through it unscathed, and I think we advanced one step further. A happy ending.

That was pretty much the one major maelstrom in our sea of happiness. Things have been really smooth sailing for the both of us, smooth to the point that it feels like a dream. If I told you guys that we've never EVER quarrelled would you guys believe me? Guess not. Believe what you like fellas, that's the truth. I can argue justification defense.

Now, when I think back, I feel that I've changed a little. I now make noise whenever she doesn't give me her 100% attention, online or otherwise. Not really angry-pissed-incensed kind of noise, just more or less whining, like taxi drivers who complain about the PAP. Before we officially began, I usually tolerated that without question. Maybe the past has caught up with me. Then again, its in me to tolerate people, they say I have a high endurance level. How else would I survive one year plus (insert Shocked Gasp) in the hellish F&B industry? It's difficult for one to change his/her habit that has been with him/her for his life so soon and so suddenly, it's like asking for the sky, or asking for the events of 9-11 to be reversed. I think a little compromise here and there never hurt anyone. Plus, now that I know how she functions, I understand the lapses in her responses better. I'll do my darndest to make sure I don't see her sad or angry face again (scary).

Our first month benchmark was really great. I enjoyed myself tremendously, but made sure she enjoyed herself more than I did. It was the first time I bought a girl flowers and gave a girl gifts, she also gave me one: a really cute stuffed cat that i fancied the moment I saw it. She actually went to get it (touched). Actually, she broke a number of first-time records in my books, but thats another story to be told another time. Although we had to shop for some items she needed, I accepted it unquestioningly: her company was more than enough. That day was also the first time I met her parents. I walked into the house like I was walking in for Radio Heatwave interview. No sweat.

She's gonna start school real soon, and the reality of it is slowly but surely manifesting. Being the active girl girl she is, she has already signed up for at least 2 events that requires a lot of her time. That plus her CIP tutoring, her driving lessons, her school camps, her school workshops, etc. Sometimes I wonder how the heck she manages so many things at the same time but can't multitask. Its one of the many mysteries of the universe.

Oh well, all good things have to end some time. Thing is, its not gonna end for good. Yeah we'll be meeting up lesser, and the duration could be cut shorter, but the important gist of it is that we are still meeting up. Thats enough. For me at least.

Her first camp is underway, glad she dropped me a mesage this morning before she went off (so sweet). I know she's safe, hopefully her gastrointestinal condition doesn't act up again. Yes yes I know what you nosey parkers are thinking, but no, this is a fiduciary relationship, and if something like that will happen, that means there's a major tear in the relationship's fabric. I have every confidence in my girl.

In sum, it has been a really happy journey down this untrodden path with my beloved.

Happy 2nd month.

Love my dear. :D

:D

Cellular Chapter 2

2007-07-10T00:12:00.000+08:00

Chapter 2 - Decisions

Sally Perkins lay huddled in a dank corner of her room, a prisoner in her own home. Outside the mahogany wooden door were her brothers, crazed, ravaged, driven insane by the Pulse. Making awfully sickening noises while sowing widespread indiscriminate destruction to their own home, the two males loitered and prowled along the narrow corridor just outside Sally’s refuge. They sensed her presence, but they could not discern her exact position. Given time however, they would tear the door down and after that, quite possibly tear Sally limb from limb. Sally buried her head into her tear-drenched hands. John, she mentally cried, where are you?

Six kilometers away John Nielsen was fighting for his life once more. After abandoning his car a short distance away from his home because of the debris choking the road along with the sheer number of phone-mad people, John ran nearly all the way to his destination. Well, as close to his destination was he possibly could, given the resistance dogging him the whole time. A woman in a power suit tried to disembowel him with a shovel (where did she get that from?) while a blue-uniformed junior college student swiped at him with her fingernails. Normally, John would not even hurt a fly, but today ‘normal’ just did not apply.

One-on-one, John would have at least stood a chance against JC Girl, but Shovel Lady was also trying to end his life. So it was a little bit unfair in that regard. He had to think out of this one, and not meet the threat head on, for if he did, he would see his head on the ground, along with the rest of his body. Just as JC Girl swiped at his head for the sixth time since the beginning of the attack, John saw an opportunity to reverse the sands. Standing motionless, JC Girl’s bloodsoaked fingers cut through the air like a deadly claw, whistling John’s death knell. In the spilt second before her fingers made contact, John ducked, and the fingers swung past his head by a hair’s breadth, and right into the stomach of Shovel Lady.

Shocked and in severe pain, Shovel Lady let out a guttural cross between a roar and a groan, and lashed out at her attacker. Her shovel found a nice spot on JC Girl’s scalp to land on, sending her crashing to the pavement. Relentless, Shovel Lady raised her weapon and brought it down onto the prone body of JC Girl, again and again and again. John suddenly felt sick: what was left of JC Girl was a jumbled mass of blood, flesh and nylon threads, worlds apart from what it originally was.

The threat eradicated, Shovel Lady now returned her attention to John. She raised her now-very-bloody shovel again, and swung it down in John’s general direction. As with Mr Lee previously, most, if not all, of the phone-crazies suffer horribly in the aiming department, and John easily sidestepped Shovel Lady’s falling spade of doom. Eager to continue moving on, John grabbed Shovel Lady’s namesake and tugged.

To his absolute horror and amazement, her arms came off – skin, muscle, bones and all. Despite being detached from the parent organism, Shovel Lady’s arms held on to the shovel like huge, bulging and bleeding leeches. Oh crap, John thought, someone could really lend her a hand now. Shovel Lady rocked back and forth, struggling to maintain balance as blood gushed out in torrents from the sides of her torso where her arms had been. With one final coarse cry, Shovel Lady dropped to her knees, then fell head first into JC Girl’s pulpy mess.

The irony.

John hurriedly disposed of the shovel and the accessories that came free with it, and quickly resumed his journey to Sally’s house. His gut had been wrenching in upon itself, twisting and turning and generally making a huge din in his abdomen. From past experiences, such feelings meant something bad was going to happen, and John kind of had an idea just what that might be.

Sally.

He brushed away the thought and continued to maneuver his way through the mindless hordes of crazed people, wrecked vehicles and assorted debris strewn all over the road, sidewalks and any visible surface. All around John, chaos ensued. People were killing each other – more than ever before - and stuff was burning in an uncountable number of places simultaneously. Horns blared, metal clashed, bones broke.

It was a bad day to be out.

At last, John arrived at his terminal destination: Sally’s semi-detached terrace house, or what was left of it. The place looked like it had been hit by a typhoon, a hurricane and a tornado attack all at once. All of its windows were shattered; the front door was lying on the ground filled with miscellaneous items of every sort; the lawn had several landings from unidentified flying objects, most probably coming from the second floor. Not to mention the couple of bodies lying in a pool of maroon blood outside the main gate. In all, the place was a mess, and Sally was right smack in the middle of that mess.

John took a deep breath, swallowed then advanced forward. He picked by a bent golf club from the floor, amazed himself by straightening it, and entered the front door of Sally’s residence, literally Hell’s Gate.

Although it was three in the afternoon, Sally’s place was unusually dark. Counting the fact that her house faced the east, it was hardly a surprise. But even so, they should be a little light streaming in. Today however, there was hardly a ray of sunshine in these desolate quarters. John’s visibility was reduced to a mere index-finger’s length from his face.

I have got to find me a flashlight, John decided, this is worse than wallowing in my own misery. Adding a chuckle for comic effect, John felt his way through the sprawling premises, his club raised in an attack position.

Without further incident, John reached what seemed to be the kitchen. There should be a flashlight around here, he thought. He lay his weapon down onto the washing area near a sink, and then proceeded to rummage through the drawers and cabinets to find what he was looking for. After a while, John fished out a long black torch from one of the utility cabinets. The batteries were still there: the thing was as heavy as a brick. He felt for the switch. Light flooded the kitchen with an audible click.

And Sally’s elder brother was there before him.

Completely taken by surprise, John stumbled and fell on his butt. He looked up at his aggressor: Sally’s brother was wounded in several places, and his clothes were in dire need of change. John’s eyes instinctively moved to the hands, and found what they were looking for: a cell phone. That pretty much cemented Sally’s theory of ‘people going mad when they were using cell phones’. All of John’s previous attackers carried cell phones, from Mr Lee to Shovel Lady. Now Sally’s brother joined their ranks.

At first, John tried to reason with him.

“Hey dude!” He started,” Remember me?”

No response. Sally’s brother looked at him with bloodshot eyes filled with eager anticipation.

“Erm,” John tried again, this time with a desperate tone in his voice, “Aren’t you gonna get me a drink? Well I’m a guest aren’t I?” He let out a small laugh, and that was all that Sally’s brother needed to make his move.

With one forceful lunge, Sally’s brother pinned John to the floor, squeezing him between his powerful, toned, bloodstained arms. John cried in pain, but his attacker was relentless. John could feel the life being squeezed out of him in short sharp gasps.

“Hey!” John muttered in between gasps and wheezes, “Let me go! I have to get to Sally you dimwit!” He threw punches at Sally’s brother’s cranial cavity, but that did not seem to have any effect. John screamed again, this time for Sally.

At the mention of his sister’s name, Sally’s brother loosened his hold on John, as if he remembered something. Seizing this opportune moment, John swung out hard with the flashlight, and the sleek black pole connected with his attacker’s skull with a sickening crack. Sally’s brother collapsed like a rag doll, unconscious but alive. John sighed a tremendous sign of relief.

“I never liked you anyway,” John uttered as he picked himself up.

Two floors above, Sally Perkins remained huddled in her cornered sanctuary. Outside her room, just separated by a ten centimeter wide concrete wall was her now-insane brother. Tommy, as he was known before his brain matter got wasted, was crashing into the wall again and again, much like a cat constantly biting a can of tuna to get to the succulent meat inside. Only this time, that succulent meat is his sister’s. Tommy himself was but a cadaver of his former self: multiple lacerations aligned his pale-skinned forearms, many festering steadily in the dank and humid conditions of the house. His head was cratered with pockmarks, most likely from burns, and a wide gash the size of a match stick decorated his solar plexus. He was limping on his right foot, using the weight of his body to smash his body into the wall repeatedly, seemingly oblivious to the pain and damage being done to his already desecrated body.

Sally could hear her brother groan as he ran into the wall for the forty-seventh time, shaking the loose fortification as well as her sanity. One more forceful blow would bring the wall crashing down. Tears rolled down her dust-covered cheeks as Tommy reared up for another ram.

Sally waited for the inevitable impact.

It did not come.

John calibrated the exact trajectory and force of impact before bringing the tip of his heavy-duty flashlight down onto the head of the phone-crazy ramming into the wall of Sally’s room. He looked pitiful, with multiple injuries adorning his pale skin. That flashlight blow shook his fragile frame like it was no denser than paper and sent him crumpling into a heap on the cold hard floor.

I ended your misery pal, John thought, now be on your way and don’t wake up.

John raced to the door of Sally’s room and opening it with such force that could very well rip the door from its hinges.

“Sally!” He screamed as his eyes scanned frantically for her presence. Sally, visibly surprised, immediately stood up, tears in her eyes.

“John!” She leapt into his arms and embraced him tightly, the dams holding back her tears fully broken.

“It’s OK now, Sally,” John assured as he brushed her hair, “Everything’s OK.” They spent the next minute locked in that warm cuddle, oblivious to the hell that was raging outside.

It was then that Sally asked him a question, to which he had no answer.

“What shall we do?” She asked, “Where shall we go?”

To be continued...

Cellular Chapter 1

2007-05-15T14:03:00.000+08:00

Chapter 1 – Apocalypse

The Pulse struck on October 1^st at 3:03 P.M. Without warning, without remorse and utterly without mercy, it tore through the world like a plague, throwing aside all the petty barriers that humans have been battling over since time immemorial, and brought civilization to its knees.

John Nielsen had been a cheerful nineteen-year-old, on his computer finishing up his endless schoolwork when the Pulse hit. As the clock struck 3:03, John immediately heard a series of loud, disturbing crashes below his apartment block, metal on metal, metal on asphalt. Curious and shocked (more shocked), he got up and went to his window. And for a spilt second he was juxtaposed to war-torn Iraq.

The scene could very well be directly taken from a Michael Bay action movie, with lots of explosions, flames and flying vehicles. On the road just adjacent to his apartment block, John saw a heap of automobiles stacked on top of on another like a mound of flapjacks, flimsy yet stable at the same time, ringed by a circle (or close to a circular shape) of flames ignited by sparks of leaked gasoline. The top most vehicle – a white Mercedes Benz Kompressor 2000 – tottered precariously on the peak of that artificial summit, and its driver was trying his best to escape his displaced vehicle. From his perch on the 16^th floor of his apartment block, John felt something odd about the bloodied man squirming out of his damaged car: the man’s eyes were fixated on a woman standing around ten metres away from the mountain of cars, and they never left that woman even for a second. This is a bad time to be thinking about picking up girls, John thought, he can barely pick himself up. He allowed himself a small giggle.

At this point, another car came in to join the fray. As it neared the accident area, John expected to hear the screeching of its brakes, but those did not come. Instead, what he heard were screams of agony and shouts of panic as the red Mitubishi Lancer tore into the crowd of onlookers around the hill of vehicles, mowing many of them down as if they were grass. John witnessed all of this from the relative safety of his home, and stood there gaping in shock, horror, fear. He reached out for his cell phone, just as the driver of the Mercedes Benz lunged towards the woman he had been eyeing and ripped out her throat.

Now utterly speechless, John felt the blood in his hand withdraw, letting his cell phone fall to the tiled floor. “This is Singapore!” John thought aloud, “Whatever happened to safe and secure!” Much as he wanted to divert his gaze to somewhere less frightening and gruesome, he could not. His eyes were fixed on the violence unfolding right before them, as the people below his block attacked one another in impossibly crude and painful fashions. A yellow-shirted man who would have fit into an office environment bit into the arm of a Mohawk-sporting teenager while the latter haplessly screamed for aid. A typical housewife swung her metal trolley crashing into the head of a middle-aged man carrying a birdcage, shattering cage and neck alike. All around people were running like ants from water, only to be cut down by the insane (it is the most logical way to describe their behavior at this point of time) people attacking them with near impunity. Resistance towards the seemingly mindless violence was minimal, although a motorcycle-riding Malay man was able to use his helmet as a club to drive off a few of the insane motorists and then drive off himself.

It was then John recalled someone. He raced for his cell phone.

Then he remembered he had dropped his cell phone earlier, his sleek black Samsung SGH-820D now lay in two parts, hardly of any use. John cursed. He had to contact her soon, to ascertain her safety, or her life. Then, as if she heard him, the home phone rang. He ran towards it like a bullet train and plucked up the receiver.

“Hello?” John asked anxiously.

“John! I’m so glad to have gotten through to you!” Sally Perkins screamed in a voice rife with fear and anxiety.

“Are you alright?” John inquired, “People are going crazy on the streets! I’m telling you don’t go out on the streets! You hear me?” In the background John could hear the shattering of glass and the banging of furniture, so maybe staying at home was not the safest bet either.

“It’s my brothers!” Sally screeched, seemingly oblivious to what John had just said, “Something must have fried their circuitry up there, they are acting all crazy and violent and…and…” Her sentence was left hanging in the air for several agonizing moments.

Now really worried, John shouted into the phone, “Sally! Sally! Are you OK?!” Her response came two painful seconds later, “John I think it’s the cell phones. My brothers were using them when they just went bonkers. You gotta help me John! I don’t know when they’ll bust down the door and get to me! Come quickly! I’m -”

The phone line went dead.

“Sally! Sally!” John screamed into the phone despite knowing his effort was futile. Cell phones, he thought, whatever the case he had to get to Sally’s place, and fast. He grabbed his car keys and headed out the front door, only to run into his neighbor Mr. Lee, or rather, a warped, violent version of Mr. Lee, fists clenched and drenched in a dark red liquid.

Blood.

John decided he did not intend to find out whose blood that was and how it got there. All he wanted to do now was to get to Sally, and this Chinese man was in the way.

“Er, Mr. Lee”, John tried, “You mind letting me over? I’m kinda in an emergency”. To this he got a toothy grin and a lunge towards his waist. A second late in dodging and John would have been looking at his severed torso from the ground up. Violent Mr. Lee roared, a primitive instinctual roar that reminded John of wounded lions, and charged forward to try and bisect John again, only this time John was standing in front of a wall. The Asian man’s attack, although full of force and brute strength, suffered in the strategy department, and soon Mr. Lee found his own blood staining the wall he had just ran into. Then his world turned black.

John stood rooted to the ground. Mr. Lee, his neighbor for six years, had tried to kill him. For whatever the reason, he would never know, for the man was lying in a heap on the ground before him, body twisted in a painful angle. As John’s eyes scanned the lifeless pile, he saw something that made his blood run cold.

A cell phone.

Mr. Lee’s right hand held a shiny blue Motorola Krzer, one of the more aesthically-pleasing cell phones in society’s heyday. Right now, its reflective surface was cracked in six different places, and the ear piece was dangling on a wire, snapped shut by the lid of the cell phone, which also seemed to be coming off as well. Sally was right, John thought, the cell phones must have something to do with this crazy mess.

Sally! He remembered his original course of action, and hurriedly ran down the stairs and into the carpark.

After four minutes of running and seven near-death encounters with the phone-crazies, or so he refers to them as now, he arrived panting and bloodsoaked on the bonnet of his little silver Hyundai Getz. He had been attacked by a variety of different people: a bunch of uniformed teenagers, a Malay woman complete with a baju kurung, an Indian man brandishing a tuning spanner and a Chinese construction worker who seemed to be in need of some sleep. All of them had been holding cell phones when they attacked John, and all of them had done so in the savage, primitive way that Mr. Lee had done so only a short while ago. It took all of John’s mastery and knowledge of his block’s layout to avoid and lose the phone-crazies. Even if he wanted to defend himself, he was simply no match for the brutality and savagery of the insane people. All he could do now was to run away, and get to Sally as soon as possible.

Once in the relative safety of his little car, John locked the doors and tried his door to make sure the locks were working. He did not want to be caught in a tussle with a phone-crazy with his seatbelt on and both hands on the steering wheel. He looked around him once more and inserted the key into the ignition, turned it, and changed to the driving gear. If it were a normal day, John would have waited for the engine to warm up a little before moving off. But so far the day had been pretty abnormal, how often do you see people killing each other on the streets in broad daylight in safe Singapore? Pretty strange to me, John thought as he looked at the bloodstains on his shirt, the Laundromat would have a huge job on their hands, provided that its still there when this shit blows over. Switching on his headlights, John tore out of the carpark and into a world where the obliteration of a moribund capitalist society has heralded the renaissance of a chaotic, unruly anarchy of global proportions.

Final Leg of the Race

2007-01-31T21:01:00.000+08:00

Yo people.

A huge boulder has been removed from my shoulders today. Web-D is over! Rejoice! Honestly speaking, I'm really impressed by what Nisha did alone for the website, I mean, if it was me I may not have been able to do it. For that, I say a big ARIGATO GOZAIMASU.

So today was pretty straightforward, went to school early to finish - or attempt to - finish off as much web-D as possible so we could present something presentable to Shan. Hit school grounds around 8:55 A.M, first to arrive as usual. Saw the first class awaiting their turn for their presentation, and what shock awaited me when I saw all of them decked in formal garb. I wore jeans plus a shirt, with my Adidas Tie Break sneakers. But I convinced myself that no formal wear is needed, since it was not mentioned in the brief. However, Ben and Co. said otherwise. It was like a decree passed on from top command down, and I had missed it. So off I went back home, to get my formal wear and get back from school. Total elapsed time: 40 mins. Remarkable.

After all the funny stuff we have to do with Avril screaming stress and Benjamin being a joker in the background, the presentation went well. And guess what? Formal wear wasn't needed.

-_______________________-

Oh well.

Okays, people, I'm really tired because of dunno what so I shall end this post.

Good night people, its almost over.

The Quick, the Fast and the Dead

2007-01-30T21:18:00.001+08:00

Yo.

It's weird seeing other people doing all the stuff that needs to be done, be it for Feature Writing, the more pressing Web Design, or even PR. I mean I should also be doing those stuff, but I am not. Maybe it's because I've finished what I've to do, way in advance.

You see, doing work early means you have a lot of spare time to edit your stuff or just hang loose in the late game, giving your plenty of time to rest so you can think logically and plan your next move with tripping over all those projects hanging all over the place. But then, most, and I must emphasise MOST, in case I offend anyone, Mass Commers are procrastinators. Seriously. How many times have you seen them submit their work way before its due? The answer is sadly seldom. Most leave their work to the eleventh hour, working their butts off to complete that assignment that should have already been done - to a certain completed extent - previously. But no, they leave it till the last minute, when they start to panic and seek aid. And the best part is, they actually pass and get decent grades for them. Life is so unfair.

We just had a briefing today for choosing our third year electives. Initially, this briefing was supposed to cement my decisions, but as I left LT 20, my feelings were mixed. Previously, the choices I laid out for myself were Presentation Skills in Chinese, Documentary Production, and Book Writing and Publishing. But through some inexplicable reason, Book Writing got canned. So that leaves me with one elective short. Fair enough, there were still 12 other modules for me to choose from. So I wanted to take something that I had a passion for, with lots of writing and minimal contact with other people. I hate interviews. The next best thing in this section was Print Journalism, but I'm not really keen. Long story.

Therefore, as of 9:14 P.M on the 30th of January 2007, I have only one confirmed elective - Presentation Skills in Chinese. I'm beginning to have second thoughts for DocPro, as although I loved LOCVDP, it ain't really something that I would wanna do for a whole semester. Paperwork is fine, its the prospect of filming something that is of utmost boringness to me. And a lot of things bore me. A lot.

So I have from now till 16th February to make two choices, two choices which would determine my life from henceforth. And I'm 80% confirmed to be taking IBP next next sem, I don't wanna leave school that soon.

Thats it for today, leave a comment if you have anything to say.

Goodnight people.

Day-to-Day

2007-01-29T21:11:00.000+08:00

Hello everybody.

Just felt like writing something for you my eager readers to read. Ha ha. Sorry I'm going cranky from all the work I've been rushing. Speaking of which, contrary to what most people believe - that Mass Commers have it hard this final week - I'm kinda free this week. Why? Read on.

1. PR Planning Process for NEA - Done on Friday, after minor edits, all thats left is the formatting.
2. On-going Case Study for ACRES - Finished after 1.
3. Web-D e-zine - content on my side is 85% complete, since I ain't designer-in-chief.
4. Radio Talkshow - Its on Thursday, and my script is done, guest confirmed (I hope), and song loaded.

See? Now you know why I'm so free. And people say I'm kiasu. Well, kiasu people have more free time, and they sleep early.

So today was rather fun, I would say. Went to school in the morning to get back our newspaper project from Mrs. Sng after what seems like eternity. But I can't blame her, she's been through a lot. Faye was late (what's new, haha), got stuck near school to let a Malaysian train pass. Damn funny. Waited for again what seemed like eternity and then when Evon came, all three of us went up to the office, only to come down again cause the place was so darn crowded. It's a Monday damn it! Mondays are days without classes. Maybe thats wishful thinking on my part. Oh well.

So after the mini-lecture, I bid the two farewell and went off to the Atrium to pass stuff to people doing Advertising, namely Madeline, Gel and Huiqi, but not after being called heartless by Evon. I didn't wanna do Radio today, so she didn't have a guest. I'm heartless cause of that. Damn sad.

Alright, enough of that encounter. The Atrium was bloody crowded today. Perhaps its because what I've just said - final week for mass commers. And I was right, to my left I saw mass commers, to my right I saw more mass commers, to my front even more mass commers, and to my back, well, a couple of engineers, the cacti amongst the sand. Most of them were from the other cohort, so they were rushing our their advertising stuff. The same is said for Madeline's group, they were rushing the stuff out like dunno what. Oh yeah, I came to the Atrium to accomplish two objectives. The first being to pass Madeline my used Advertising textbook and MRM notes, so they could be put to better use rather than just rotting away in some deep dark corner of the house. Plus, the MRM notes hold compressed handwritten chapters from the textbook, pages that took me a whole week to write. But it wasn't for naught, an A I got. Thats the thing with me, I have to study harder cause I ain't that brilliant.

Moving on, the second objective was to finish up some content for my e-zine's designer-in-chief: Nisha. Since she was tackling the gargantuan task of fabricating the entire website herself, we all decided to chip in and offer help regarding her content. And her content was music, English music if I might add. Music is so not my forte. So I had to slog through it, read up the albums on websites and try as best as possible to string the information together into a readable, interesting passage. Avril just told me that it was good, so I guess I've succeeded. My writing skills hasn't failed me. Yet.

So there I was, crashing Madeline's group discussion and doing my work while they stressed themselves over their report. Being someone who's been through it all, they turned to me to clarify some doubts, which I did to the best of my ability. You gotta give me credit, its been an entire semester, and Mass Commers don't really have good memories for such stuff, or so I heard. Never mind about that, Madeline left at 2 to practise her Jap, her test is tomorrow. Ganbatte! So that leaves Gel, Huiqi and me at the table. They said someone else was coming in a while. They didn't seem very enthusiastic, or even concerned for that matter. I sense a sleeping member.

The day went out without much event, Gel was being exceptionally cheerful today, a stark contrast to his cold, dark side almost 2 weeks ago. That guy sure likes to sing. Jia Wei also came around to ask me what I want, being the typical evil-twin he is. Damn joker. Got a free ride from Madeline at the end of the day, saved bus fare and got some exercise walking back from Junction 8. NAPFA's coming, time to beef up.

That concludes another boring day in my life. Check back for more! Bye people!

Elation

2007-01-26T22:12:00.000+08:00

I am happy.

Why? You ask.

Cause' I have finished all of my PR work for this sem. Yeah. ALL OF THEM.
PR Planning Project for NEA - Done
On-going Case Study - Completed

Now what's left is just the e-zine (-.-), the magazine and the radio talkshow, pieces of cake.
Oh plus the exams are close to two weeks away, guess I'd better start mugging.

Alright, my hands are sore from 4-whole hours of typing non-stop, no strength left.

One last thing, that feel is slowly diminishing, but will it return when the variable appears?
Its still an unsolved equation.

Goodnight people.

Feelings - A Fluttering Butterfly

2007-01-25T20:33:00.000+08:00

Hi folks.

Yeah I'm back for another entry on this blog of mine. Time to give it a little activity to prevent it from fading into obscurity.

Alright, today was a total waste of time. For one, school was BORING. Had radio in the morning, but my test slot for the Talkshow is next week, so today I'm the caller/producer for a classmate. Got up early and arrived in school earlier than I needed to be, and saw the studio rife with people, dancing mass commers from the previous class. Felix was there too, grading Year One Stereo Assignments while nodding off to some 1970s music called Saturday Night Fever if memory hasn't failed me. To be fair, the song was catchy, but I'm a Mandarin music kinda guy, so I don't like it. To my dancing cohort-mates, I gave them the what-the-hell-there-are-people-outside look.

And true enough there were. When I went out to thaw myself, out came Year Ones from the lifts, and amongst them was Joanna, fellow FMSA, newer friend made this year. Pleasantries aside, she went to discuss something with her friends, while I made my way back into the studio, well not really inside it, but just outside, so I could see whether there were any more mad mass commers before I went back in. While I was loitering behind the double-glassed window, Joanna walked past and asked if that was where I would be having my class, to which I replied. At this moment, Mal gave me that OMG-WHO-IS-SHE look before rushing out. What the.

Apart from those, radio class was rather uneventful. Better still, we ended early, so I had something like a 3-hour break before PR began. But I had plans, there was a PR quiz to study for, and I preferred to study alone rather than in packs, so off I went to the Atrium after bidding Faye and her guest Vickram bye-bye.

I got a pack of creampuffs and found myself a secluded spot to study in. Madeline said she would be in the Atrium, so I scanned around. It wasn't that hard to spot her, afterall, she just had her MRM presentation today. So I dropped her a message telling her I can see her. It was funny watching her rotate her head around like the rotor blades of a helicopter trying to find me. Precious. In the end, she still found me while going to collect her laptop from the MEL centre I guess. She was doing Advertising with another girl, a girl who calls me Oreo Boy (-_-), and a boy whose name I mistook for Joel. Oh well. Better not bother them, important project. So I went to bug Joachim and gang instead, who were doing PR. But I soon grew bored, so I whipped out the iPod and tried to catch a nap. No success, the bloody Atrium was so noisy.

The day went on rather slowly and soon it was time for PR. Had the quiz, which I got 16/19 for and we got back our Media Kit Assignment. WE GOT AN 'A'. All that hard work was not for nothing. I'm glad. If all goes well, PR may be on its way to becoming an 'A' module. The thought of it makes me chuckle: I understand Advertising better than PR. Must be the assessments.

Thats what the day brought me, nothing but utter boredom. I swear I was gonna die of boredom if not for the Media Kit. When we got it back, we all went kinda hyper, like we were on steroids or something. It was hilarious.

Just some things on my mind before I end off this entry. Feelings are a funny thing, they can make you sad as quickly as it can make you happy. And flying high may mean falling hard. Very, very hard. And given my height, its a long way down to the ground. Hopefully, what I think I'm feeling will come to fruition, and that its the correct feeling, and not a false one once again.

I don't know how many more false hopes I can endure. I'm not getting any younger. So I really wish that I won't be flying too high and falling too hard. Alas, only time will tell. Time - the ultimate test. And time is really of the essence.

Just let it be true, just this time.

SitRep

2007-01-24T23:34:00.000+08:00

Well, well, well.

Look who's finally here to remove the coat of dust from http://installationo4.blogspot.com.

Its none other than its owner, Mr James Tan Jie Wei myself.

Hello all after a very, very, very long lapse.

Just felt like penning down my thoughts, since I have quite a lot running through my mind right now at this very moment when I'm typing these words.

Alright, where shall I begin? Ah, yes, I shall use the Compare and Contrast Paragraph Structure to write this blog entry.

Nah, just kidding. =D

To kick things off, plenty of things have changed ever since the last blog entry, which was what, like a century ago? But before you start spewing all manner of vulgarities and expletives at me, allow me a chance to redeem myself. I'm just too lazy (ok, maybe this is why you wanna attack me). But hey, "I am only human~", so I grow bored with fads, and blogging IS a fad for me, joining the likes of Beyblade, Tamiya Cars, Gundam models, Crush Gear, Yoyos, etc.

Enough of the historical lesson, its time to move on. Its no use staying in one's shadow all the time. You need to see the light. And I certainly hope I have.

OK, so this is what's happening this couple of months: I've been working part-time on weekends for some extra income to burn, which proved very useful during the last semester break. And this semester is ending soon, another week of school plus two examination papers more and I'm done with Year 2 of Mass Communication. Pretty darn fast if you ask me. I haven't even found anyone I like, yet. Bummer. But recently, I've become more involved in school activities, particularly Open House 2007. I don't know why but I feel at ease and fun when I'm doing such things, like taking groups of students on tours. Ok maybe I like to man the reception desk more but hey, I'm not a speech person, I'm a word-dude.

OPEN HOUSE 2007
FMSA not only gave me CCA points, it also gave me new friends! I made a whole bunch of friends, Year Ones and Twos alike. I even got to know some of my cohort-mates within the same cohort whom I previously didn't know. How cool is that? Plus, I made more new friends with the other Mass Comm-ers of the other cohort, particularly KL and Madeline. Well, KL can't really be considered new, as he was in my SOCPSYCH class during Year One. We didn't talk much though, I was rather quiet and introverted then. But Mass Comm doesn't want that kind of attitude, so I strove to change, and look where the heck I am now. The pen is mightier than the sword. Ha ha ha.

Sorry for the digressing. Anyway the other new friend made was Madeline. She was complaining about sore feet and fatigue on Day 2 of the War, and didn't help out on the Final Day, leaving me alone to fend for myself against the hordes of merciless secondary school kids. However, by a stroke of luck, I got posted to reception duty, for 4 hours at least. Those were 4 very good hours.
After that I kinda tagged along other tour groups, like Mark's, a Year One friend made. I joined my group with his several times, and he didn't seem to mind. He told me not to slack and to speak to those kids, but I argued that since he liked to speak so much, he could be my guest, and that if he's stuck or anything I'll give him a hand. He relented. Nice guy.

So there we went, leading tours up and down through the by-now-memorised-tour-route. I passed by the TV Studio and guess who I saw? Ya, it was Madeline, doing some stuff inside, but mainly slacking. And since I'm slacking as well, I might as well join her. So off I went, after telling Mark that he's on his own. He didn't sound too happy. Oh well.

So I hung around in the TV Studio, which brought back a lot of good memories, and I also did some explaining of the facilities when some Year Ones brought in a tour group and didn't know what to say. I can't deny my membership of the FMSA, since I was wearing the requisite polo-tee. You win some, you lose some. After that, Madeline said she wanna go swipe some cookies from the FMSA store, and despite my protests, she didn't give in. Strong gal.

The day ended at 4:45p.m, when I had to go to work. Given a choice, I would have stayed till 7, but alas, work calls. Damn.

Alright, thats enough for Open House 07. On to more recent events. I found myself very free these few weeks, for some weird, inexplicable reason. My assignments have all been either completed or pending completion, and the exams are a good 2 weeks away, with one whole week for me to mug at Bishan CC. So I spend my weeknights spamming SMSes, waiting for people to chat with me on MSN, or just reading articles off Wikipedia. Yesterday I just found out about the Butterfly Effect and about giant squid. Did you know that if you swing your arm, you may cause a hurricane to happen some time in the future? And do you know that there's a species of squid called Colossal Squid, which are well, colossal. Fascinating, ain't it?

Also, I'm up to my Mr. Nice Guy routine once again. Just today, I stayed back in school after a one hour class for the day helping newer friends Diyanah and Joycelyn with their radio. They needed someone to guide them through, and I was the one to do it, since I had already done so with the previous two assignments. Then Shawn and Yan Yi came, and I had to be Shawn's guest, THRICE. Daniel also came over, and I was his guest once before I grew too bored to stay in the studio for a even a minute longer. So I left for home, took a long detour to the bus stop, and then got home and revised for a PR quiz tomorrow. Some people have always said I'm being too nice, but what the heck, being nice is better than being bad in any permutation. So to those people, sorry, being nice is just being me, you either like it or don't, its your choice and I live the way I want to.

Further, some people also commented that passion doesn't get you far in modern society. Well, to a certain extent its true, since the materialistic world that is modern society demands just mindless droning and earning money. But still, its passion that will ultimately keep one going. Just look at all those successful people out there. Do you think after all these years of slogging away they are doing it just for money? No. Its the passion that keeps them at their jobs day after day, year after year, decade after decade. Money is but a mere bonus that you can't carry to your grave, passion will remain with you even in death. Therefore, to those insensitive people out there who do not believe in passion, don't let me catch you doing something for incentives other than money. I will personally make you eat your words, literally.

Hmm, I guess I'm done. Well my entries are few and far between, so please, enjoy your stay here at The Silent Cartographer.

Arigato Gozaimasu.

Filler

2006-09-16T13:03:00.001+08:00

I got nothing much to write. Lol.

2006-04-27T20:14:00.000+08:00

O.O

Guess what?

I finally decided it was time for another post on this old(ancient even) blog of mine, to remove the metaphorical dust accumulated on its binary layout, to deliver it from the shackles of inactivity, to enable it to soar to greater heights, to...well you get the picture.

SO, school started, like 4 days ago. During my hiatus from education, a lot had been going on. No no, its not all Mapling and rotting and more Mapling. I was working as a service personnel at an established food outlet. Sure the pay's standard, the working hours long, the job tough at times, but hey, its the experience that counts. Besides, if you enjoy your work, you would never have to work a day. So for the past one month plus or so, I had been servicing customers, taking orders, serving food among other things. If there was a module on this it would be called "Service in the F&B Industry 101", and it would be the greatest nightmare for all those taking it. Brrr....

Alright, moving on. Year Two began on a high note, or rather, a Japanese note, as first day of school was equals to my first IS (Interdisciplinary Studies) module - Basic Conversational Japanese. Pretty cool huh? What makes it even cooler is that Felix also enrolled in my class, so that makes us classmates for 7 weeks. Which Felix, you ask. You know that Mapler, also from NP, whose name always get associated with an animated cat? Yeah thats the Felix we're talking about. No offense big guy!

So anyway, our tutor was this young Japanese lady, going by the name Yoko. Well give me a lady over a guy any day, as I feel that ladies have more patience than guys, with some exceptions of course.

Okay, so that's first day of school. Subsequent days were the usual, boring lectures, ice-breaking tutorials, blah blah blah. We got spilt into different classes this semester. Yeah, it ain't a big deal for you people, but it is for me. I took nearly a whole semester to meld with my class. Well pardon me, I'm not as vocal and outspoken as some of you are. I'm rather shy and would rather melt into the background than appear in Orchard Road wearing nothing other than christmas lights.

Its 8:27 P.M, according to NP time, which means nothing much now, and the keyword is NOW. As the weeks progress, 8:27 may be the time when I'm rushing a report, or having some online discussion for a major project, or pretty much just skimming the surface of death. Well, maybe that's too exaggerating, but all of us almost died when we were thrown that Integrated Project in our Year One, Semester One. We will survive Year Two.

I will be working part-time even when school has started, just to earn some pocket money and gain some working experience. I don't know whether this will affect my educational life adversely, but with proper time management I think I should be able to pull this off. Well, we shall see.

OKAY, I'm through with this post. See you all next time~!

2006-01-24T21:23:00.000+08:00

The Road of a Fire/Poison Magician
By: Spartan120
Welcome to the world of MapleStory, and most importantly, the magical world of the Fire/Poison Magician. There are rumors circulating that the Fire/Poison Magician, lets call ourselves FP Mages, will be weak in the long run, as we lack the ability to inflict status effects on our enemies, other than poison. Take the Ice/Lightning mage for example. They have the ability to freeze enemies with the Cold Beam at the 2nd Job level, and this can be pretty useful when taking on monsters many times your level. Damage-wise, FP Mages win them hands down, with the Fire Arrow inflicting the most punishment for a magical attack at 2nd Job level. HOWEVER, the same rumor-mongers argue that we FP Mages lose out from third Job onwards. Well, there's some truth to that. Crusaders deal 5-digit damages at level 90, Rangers do phenomenal damage with their Strafe, even Priests have their Shining Ray to counter our Fire Arrow at the more popular training spots (Forest of Dead Trees). Ice/lightning mages have the Thunder Spear, its massive lightning-based attack seriously overpowering the Fire Arrow, although in the span of a Thunder Spear, 2 Fire Arrows could be launched. Nevertheless, we have chosen this path, and we will endeavour. I personally, am a Fire Mage.
Ability Points
These are important, as you're a magician, who relies on magic to kill. Your LUK should be three more than your level. For example, if you're lvl 45, your ideal LUK level should be 48, this would enable you to equip items. To keep it simple, just add 4 to INT and 1 to LUK each time you level.
Skills
Alright, lets get started. You're level 30, with all the needed skills maxed, and you have collected 30 Dark Marbles. After talking to the Old Man of Ellinia, you're now officially a FP Wizard! Hurray! Here are the skills you have acquired.
The Guide to Fire and Poison
MP Eater
Type:Passive Support
Master Level:20
MP cost and effect at lvl 1:Nil,11% success rate of soaking 21% of target's MAXMP
MP cost and effect at MAXED lvl: Nil,30% success rate of soaking 40% of target's MAXMP
Description:With a certain success rate,after each successful attack,a fixed amount of MP is absorbed from the target and channeled to the caster's MP Bar.
Teleport
Type:Active Defense
Master Level:20
MP cost and effect at lvl 1:MP-60, teleport distance 130
MP cost and effect at MAXED lvl: MP-13,teleport distance 150
Description:Expend MP to travel instantaneously to a set distance away from caster's current position.The higher the skill lvl, the lesser the MP used.
Mediation
Type:Active Party Support
Master Level:20
MP cost and effect at lvl1:MP-10, Magic attack +1 for 10 secs
MP cost and effect at MAXED lvl:MP-20,Magic attack +20 for 200 secs
Description:Increases the Magic Attack of all party members in the area for a fixed amount for a set amount of time.Requires Lvl 3 MP Eater.
Slow
Type:Active Defensive Multi-Target
Master Level:20
MP cost and effect at lvl 1:MP-8,speed-2 for 2 secs
MP cost and effect at MAXED lvl:MP-16,speed-40 for 40 secs
Description:Temporarily slows down the enemies around you. Cannot use it on them twice at a time,and not more than 6 monsters can be affected at any one time. Requires Lvl 5 Teleport.
Fire Arrow
Type:Active Offensive Single Target
Master Level:30
MP cost and effect at lvl 1:MP-14,basic attack 33,15% mastery
MP cost and effect at MAXED lvl: MP-28,basic attack 120,60% mastery
Description: Expend MP to create a Fire arrow and fires it at a target and deals great generic damage,especially to ice-based monsters,who receive 1.5 times the normal damage,whereas fire-based ones shrug off half the damage.
Poison Brace
Type:Active Offensive Single Target
Master Level:30
MP cost and effect at lvl 1:MP-10,base attack 10,15%mastery,31% success rate of poison for 4 secs
MP cost and effect at MAXED lvl:MP-20,base attack 70,60%mastery,60% success rate of poison for 40 secs
Description:Conjures a poisonous water bubble and flings it at a target. In addition to the initial damage, there is a chance for the target to be thrown into a state of poison for a fixed period of time,where it will continue taking damage for a fixed amount of time, or until its HP reaches 1.

Not bad right? Some skills serve to complement your attacking ability, while the rest act as supports for you to generally stay out of trouble.
OK. You now have this book of skills.
The first of many questions soon arises: Which skill to learn first?
The following are my experiences, and you do not need to follow. MapleStory is a game of choices, and you can have any type of FP Mage you want. Following guides can sometimes be boring.

From level 30 to 70, you should have around 121 Skill Points(SP) to invest in skills, and these SP can be put to ANY skill from ANY skill book.
By level 70 in time for third job, you should have these skills maxed:
-Fire Arrow (IMPORTANT)
-Teleport (Thats for you to tele-cast, more on that later)
-Mediation (Increase your Magical Attack, useful)
-Slow (Useful supportive skill for third job)
-MP Eater (Same as Slow)

Why these?
Fire Arrow: This would be your primary attack skill, and this would overpower the Magic Claw of old, and should be maxed ASAP.
Personal Experience: I maxed this skill at lvl 40.
Teleport: This is a rather useful skill, for travelling between towns and in combat. In combat, if used correctly, you can inflict serious damage on yout target while avoiding its attacks. Telecasting with this skill is a must-learn for mages.
Personal Experience: I maxed this skill at lvl 60-something. Low leveled Teleport consumes a huge portion of MP each time you use it.
Mediation: This skill is like giving you and your fellow party mages a 4-level boost in intelligence, minus the boost for magic defence. Nevertheless, this skill would significantly increase your attacking capability.
Personal Experience:This skill was maxed right after Fire Arrow, and it did hell with the Jr. Grupins.
Slow: This is a useful skill if you're attacking monsters that move quickly, like the Pepe of El Nath. Slow, well, slows them down so that you can pick your targets carefully and obliterate them without spamming too much MP. Used together with third job skills, the results can only be said to be spectacular.
Personal Experience: Slow was maxed shortly after Mediation was, as I had only found out the advantages of Slow then.
MP Eater: At first, this did not look like a cool skill to learn. After all the animation was only a blue "fart" and it's a PASSIVE skill. We are active people who enjoy actively pressing hot keys for our skills. But wait, this skill will benefit you in the long run. Explosion gives SIX chances for this to trigger.
Personal Experience: MP Eater was the last skill I maxed, by level 70.
So, there you have it. Out of 121 skill points, (30+20+20+20+20)=110 were used. Where are the rest (11 SP), you ask. Well, I'm a non-conformist, that is, I do not go along with tradition. So instead of the level 11 Poison Brace favoured by tradition, I only have a level 1 Poison Brace. Why, you ask. Cause Poison Myst is much better, and I did not regret my actions. This doesn't mean that Poison Brace sucks, it has potential to be a killer, as you will see later. The remaining 10 SP went to Magic Armor, to boost my defence against the monsters of El Nath, whom do massive contact damage.
In Summary...
Lvl30 : 1 to Teleport
Lvl31 : 3 to Fire Arrow
Lvl32 : 3 to Fire Arrow
Lvl33 : 3 to Fire Arrow
Lvl34 : 3 to Fire Arrow
Lvl35 : 3 to Fire Arrow
Lvl36 : Save 3 SP
Lvl37 : Save 3 SP
Lvl38 : Save 3 SP
Lvl39 : Save 3 SP
Lvl40 : 15 to Fire Arrow(MAXED)
Lvl41 : 3 to Mediation
Lvl42 : 3 to Meditation
Lvl43 : 3 to Meditation
Lvl44 : 3 to Meditation
Lvl45 : 3 to Meditation
Lvl46 : 3 to Meditation
Lvl47 : 2 to Meditation(MAXED), 1 to Slow
Lvl48 : 3 to Slow
Lvl49 : 3 to Slow
Lvl50 : 3 to Slow
Lvl51 : 3 to Slow
Lvl52 : 3 to Slow
Lvl53 : 3 to Slow
Lvl54 : 1 to Slow(MAXED), 1 to Teleport, to MP Eater
Lvl55 : 3 to Teleport
Lvl56 : 3 to Teleport
Lvl57 : 3 to Teleport
Lvl58 : 3 to Teleport
Lvl59 : 3 to Teleport
Lvl60 : 3 to Teleport(MAXED)
Lvl61 : 3 to Magic Armor
Lvl62 : 3 to Magic Armor
Lvl63 : 3 to Magic Armor
Lvl64 : 1 to Magic Armor(Leave at lvl 10), 1 to Poison Brace, 1 to MP Eater
Lvl65 : 3 to MP Eater
Lvl66 : 3 to MP Eater
Lvl67 : 3 to MP Eater
Lvl68 : 3 to MP Eater
Lvl69 : 3 to MP Eater
Lvl70 : 3 to MP Eater
Phew, thats it. That what I've gone through. And now for the monsters you have to kill.
Monsters to Kill
Lvl 30 to 40: Ant Tunnel 1 (Good Spawn, good money, good leveling)
Lvl 40 to 50: Garden of Green 1 (May be a bit tough at first, but gradually you will like it)
Lvl 50 to 60: Watch Out for Icy Path 1 (The Jr Yetis may prove to be quite a challenge at first. but they make good training monsters)
Lvl 60 to 70: The Crown Flyer OR Wolf Territory V (Pepes and White Pangs both give 220 EXP, but Pepe spawns faster and have better drops)
You did it. You managed to overcome all odds and is now a lvl 70 FP Wizard awaiting Third Job Advancement. The time has come, what are you waiting for?
The Third Flight
Advancement Part One: Strength
Head to El Nath and enter the big house of the top of the plateau closest to Watch out for Icy Path 1. Enter and look for a floating NPC by the name of Robeira. Talk to her and she will ramble on and on about whether you want to become a much more powerful magician. To do that, you have to return to your birthplace - Ellinia, and obtain the Necklace of Strength. Take the ship back to Ellinia and find the Old Man (Grendel the very old). Talk to him and he will talk some unnecessary nonsense before asking you to defeat his Dark Side. This Dark Side can be found in the Forest of Evil 2, at the extreme top right. Click on it and you will find yourself in a strange cavern of sorts, reminiscent of the Cursed Sanctuary.
Walk along the path and you will eventually see a crystal. Click it and you will find yourself in an arena, with a timer at the top for 20 minutes. Thats the time you have to beat the Old Man's Dark Side. You can see him hovering around at the bottom, waiting for you to face him. To fight him effectively, stay a safe distance away from him, as he does use low leveled third job skills on you. On me, he used Explosion, Ice Strike, Shining Ray and the annoying Seal. Make sure you have a sufficient number of All-Cure Elixirs with you. Bombard that Old man with Fire Arrow, and Teleport to safety if you see him using a skill. When you have dealt him a certain amounf of damage, he would SUMMON 2 Tauromacis at once to fight you, and these could be a problem. During my fight with him, the Old Man summoned FOUR of the buggers. Kill them for the experience, and after a few more arrows, a Black Charm is all the remains of Grendel's Dark Side. Pick it up and return to the Magical Library. I spent 3 minutes to obtain the Charm, and used 30 White Potions with 20 Pure Waters. Talk to Grendel and he will exchange the Charm with a necklace of Strength, which is essentially a Power Crystal with a string attached. There, the first part has been completed.
Advancement Part Two: Wisdom
Head back to El Nath with the Necklace and talk to Robeira again. She would say the complimentary pleasantries and then ask you to now obtain the Necklace of Wisdom, from the Holy Stone. Have a refined Dark Crystal ready, and begin your trek to the Holy Ground. It is at the top righthand corner of Sharp Cliff 2, where Dark Yetis and Pepes roam. Its a Hidden Street, so you cannot see any visible portals whatsoever. Press UP at the wooden door to enter. Drop to the bottom of the map and you will see a black pointed stone, an obelisk of sorts. Talk to it and it will take away your Dark Crystal and present to you FIVE questions. Be warned: all of them have to be answered correctly. Failure to do so would require you to use another Dark Crystal. Done, you answered all five questions correctly and have the Necklace of Wisdom strung around your neck. Exit the Hidden Street and take a scroll back to El Nath, and talk to Robeira to complete your advancement. In a flash of golden animation, you are now a Fire/Posion Mage. Congratulations! You get 5 additional AP and 1 SP as an added bonus.
Ability Points
The general idea is still the same, LUK level is +3 of your level, so not much to say here.
Skill Points
Now you have a new skill book, Mastery of Fire and Poison, with 7 new skills to learn. Here are what a FP Mage gets.
Mastery of Fire and Poison
Partial Resistance
Master Level: 20
Type: Passive Defensive
Description: You get additional resistance from Fire & Poison based Magical attacks.
Level 1: 23% resistance against fire/poison attacks
Level 10: 50% resistance against fire/poison attacks
Level 20: 70% resistance against fire/poison attacks
[Not really a must-max, as you won't be training on monsters with your element type. Put a point to it to reduce poison damage.]
Element Amplification
Master Level: 30
Type: Passive Support
Description: Expend more MP, but increases Magic Attack.
Level 1: MP -105%; Magic attack +102%
Level 15: MP -170%; Magic attack +120%
Level 30: MP -200%; Magic attack +135%
[This skill is useful, although it drains your MP faster. This skill has to be at lvl 3 to unlock Seal and Spell Booster.Max this at your leisure.]
Explosion
Master Level: 30
Type: Active Offensive Multi-Target
Description: Make an explosion around the character, and up to 6 enemies are hit with a fire based attack.
Level 1: MP -21; Basic attack 60, mastery 15%, attack range 110%
Level 15: MP -35; Basic attack 94, mastery 35%, attack range 150%
Level 30: MP -50; Basic attack 120, mastery 60%, attack range 200%
[Finally, an area of effect spell for FP Mages. 50 MP to attack 6 monsters is a bargain, as compared to 28X6.]
Poison Myst
Master Level: 30
Type: Active Offensive Multi-Target
Description: Make a poison fog around the character, and all monsters in the fog would be posioned with a set success rate.
Level 1: MP -21; Basic attack 32, mastery 15%, attack range 110%, 41% success rate to put enemy into the state of poison for 4 seconds
Level 15: MP -35; Basic attack 60, mastery 35%, attack range 150%, 55% success rate to put enemy into the state of poison for 20 seconds
Level 30: MP -50; Basic attack 90, mastery 60%, attack range 200%, 70% success rate to put enemy into the state of poison for 40 seconds
[This skill is the better cousin of Poison Brace, and at maxed level, does wonders.]
Seal
Master Level: 20
Type: Active Support
Pre-requisite: Element Amplification Lv 3
Description: Seals up the enemies around you for a certain amount of time. Once sealed up, the monsters can't use attacking skills, but the skill does not work on boss monsters.
Level 1: MP -12; 38% success rate for 10 seconds
Level 10: MP -18; 65% success rate for 15 seconds
Level 20: MP -30; 95% success rate for 20 seconds
[A useful skill when fighting those monsters with magical attacks, like the Werewolf. Seal renders their skill useless, and they can only bang into you for 20 secs.]
Magic Booster
Master Level: 20
Type: Active Support
Pre-requisite: Element Amplification Lv 3
Description: Uses up a significant amount of HP and MP to increase the attacking speed for spells.
Level 1: HP -53, MP -58; boost spell casting speed to Level 2 for 10 seconds
Level 10: HP -35, MP -40; boost spell casting speed to level 2 for 100 seconds
Level 20: HP -25, MP -30; boost spell casting speed to level 3 for 200 seconds
[This is a must-max for all mages, because it increase the cast rate for all Spells, especially slow ones like Explosion.]
Magic Composition
Master Level: 30
Type: Active Offensive Single Target
Description: Uses fire & poison-based spell on a single enemy. Applies massive damage to monsters that are weak against fire or poison, and the enemy will be poisoned on a set success rate.
Level 1: MP -14; Basic attack 80, mastery 15%, 41% success rate to put enemy into the state of poison for 4 seconds
Level 15: MP -18; Basic attack 124, mastery 35%, 55% success rate to put enemy into the state of poison for 20 seconds
Level 30: MP -22; Basic attack 150, mastery 60%, 70% success rate to put enemy into the state of poison for 40 seconds
[The best of both worlds, fire and poison together in a mortal blow. Note that the fire damage become 1.25X instead of 1.5X due to its half-fire heritage.]

How's that? You now have seven rather powerful spells to learn, and since third job is still new, you can pretty much learn what you want. But this is what I have done.
Overall, the skills that need to be maxed are:
1)Explosion (This is like a multi-fire arrow; 6x120 basic attack for 50 MP is a bargain)
2)Poison Myst (If you don't have a poison skill before, you do now. This skills does wonders with high leveled mobs)
3)Element Amplification (Though you spam more MP than before, you have to, as the damage increase is significant)
4)Spell Booster (A must-have for all Mages, especially useful if skills have long cooldown periods)
5)Magic Composition (The successor of the Fire Arrow, lower MP usage and massive damage. This is the Skill)
Seal can be kept at level 10, since its still a supportive skill, and can be pretty useful when fighting high-leveled monsters using spells. Spell Booster can also be left at level 11, and Seal maxed. But then, its all up to you, the individual, to decide how your FP Mage would turn out. =D
In Summary...
Lvl70: 1 to Magic Composition
Lvl71: 3 to Explosion
Lvl72: 3 to Explosion
Lvl73: 3 to Explosion
Lvl74: 3 to Explosion
Lvl75: 3 to Explosion
Lvl76: Save 3 SP
Lvl77: Save 3 SP
Lvl78: Save 3 SP
Lvl79: Save 3 SP
Lvl80: 15 to Explosion (MAXED)
Lvl81: 2 to Magic Composition, 1 to Poison Myst
Lvl82: 2 to Magic Composition, 1 to Element Amplification
Lvl83: 2 to Magic Composition, 1 to Element Amplification
Lvl84: 2 to Magic Composition, 1 to Element Amplification
Lvl85: 3 to Magic Composition
Lvl86: 3 to Magic Composition
Lvl87: Save 3 SP
Lvl88: Save 3 SP
Lvl89: Save 3 SP
Lvl90: Save 3 SP
Lvl91: 15 to Magic Composition (MAXED)
Lvl92: 3 to Spell Booster
Lvl93: 3 to Spell Booster
Lvl94: 3 to Spell Booster
Lvl95: 3 to Spell Booster
Lvl96: 3 to Spell Booster
Lvl97: 2 to Poison Myst, 1 to Seal
Lvl98: 3 to Poison Myst
Lvl99: 3 to Poison Myst
Lvl100: 3 to Poison Myst
Lvl101: 3 to Poison Myst
Lvl102: 3 to Poison Myst
Lvl103: 3 to Poison Myst (MAXED)
Lvl104: 2 to Element Amplification, 1 to Seal
Lvl105: 2 to Element Amplification, 1 to Seal
Lvl106: 2 to Element Amplification, 1 to Seal
Lvl107: 2 to Element Amplification, 1 to Seal
Lvl108: 2 to Element Amplification, 1 to Seal
Lvl109: 2 to Element Amplification, 1 to Seal
Lvl110: 2 to Element Amplification, 1 to Seal
Lvl111: 3 to Element Amplification (MAXED)
Lvl112: 2 to Seal, 1 to Spell Booster
Lvl113: 2 to Seal, 1 to Spell Booster
Lvl114: 2 to Seal, 1 to Spell Booster
Lvl115: 2 to Seal, 1 to Spell Booster
Lvl116: 2 to Seal, 1 to Spell Booster (MAXED)
Lvl117: 2 to Seal (MAXED), 1 to Partial Resistance
Lvl118: 3 to Partial Resistance
Lvl119: 3 to Partial Resistance
Lvl120: 3 to Partial Resistance
Monsters to Kill
Pretty much anything on both Victoria Island and Ossyria Continent, it though it would be advisable to stick to ice-based creatures, since your spells inflict the most punishment on them, and with Explosion, you can now stop envying that lightning mage with Thunderbolt. Explosion is a much better Thunderbolt, if you forgive the cooldown. Still, a rough guide on what to hunt can be drawn up:
Lvl 70 ~ 80: Pepes, Yetis, Werewolves, Cerebes
Most of these creatures receive tremendous damage from fire attacks, but the last three do a lot of magical damage,so excercise caution when confronting them.
Lvl 80 ~ 90: Yetis, Cerebes, Lycantrophes
Yetis and Cerebes are the decent EXP givers, and the drops fetch loads. Lycantrophe on the other hand can be quite the challenge, and if one is not careful, he will find himself back in town. Seal works against these creatures.
Lvl 90 onwards: You can pretty much kill whatever that gets in your way. If you're feeling brave enough, go take on the Crimson Balrog.
By the time you get to lvl 120, fourth job would be on its way.
Take a look at yourself. You have evolved from a Magic Clawing Magician into a powerful mage commanding the fearsome flames of magic. In retrospect, you have come a long way.

Weapons
This is a bonus section, and serves as a guide as to when and what to change your magical weapons.
From level 8~33, change wands/staffs whenever possible, and do not scroll them, not even with 100% Wand for Magic Attack scrolls.
At level 33, get yourself a Wizard Wand. Scroll it with 7 100% Wand for Magic Attack scrolls. This should last you till either Arc Staff or Cromi at level 45 and level 48 respectively. Fairy Wand is not worth getting, unless you have a lot of mesos to spare.
If a friend of yours has an Arc Staff to loan, try to sell off your Wizard Wand and use the Arc Staff. If you're rich enough, scroll it with 7 60% Staff for Magic Attack scrolls. If at least 5 pass, you have a 70 Magic Attack(MA) Arc Staff to use until Hinomaru Fan, but its not recommended. At level 48, get a Cromi. Now, scroll it with 7 60% Wand for Magic Attack scrolls. This should last you till level 60. Thorns is not worth getting, firstly its expensive, and secondly it looks ugly. So just skip that staff and advance directly to a Hinomaru Fan. An average Hinomaru Fan has a MA of 75, and if not screwed, will serve you until the end of your Maple days. (75+{2X7}=89 MA with +7INT) If you're sick of using wands, stay with the Cromi for a little while longer and get yourself an Evil Wing, the second best weapons for Mages in the game, and its the only staff with a Fast attack speed. As always, scroll it. If your scrolling is good, you need not change anymore weapons throughout the rest of your Maple career. But if you're still using a Hinomaru fan by the time third job rolls along, consider getting yourself a Dark Ritual. Sure its expensive, but then you're a Fire Mage, you should be rich. Besides, only a scrolled Dark Ritual can reach a three-digit MA number without hacking. It is also the last staff you will ever change.
Thats it, thanks for reading my guide and I hope it aids you in your quest to greatness. There's no need for you to follow it zealously, its just a guide.
Happy Mapling!
Credits:
www.hidden-street.net, for their extensive database without which I would not be able to access the skill details for this guide.
Wizet and Asiasoft, for creating and maintaining this awesome game for which this guide would not have existed without.
My Maple buddies, although they did not help in the creation of this guide.

Contacting me:
You can find me in my Aquila characters:
Piyopyid
Spartan120
Spartan118
=D

2005-11-28T23:28:00.000+08:00

Yo all~!

Anyone wants to make a guess on how long this blog has remained inactive? Well, if you guessed a month plus, you're pretty close. Its been a month or so, plus minus, give or take. Fine, this blog has been a dormant volcano for that period of time, no big deal. Iraq won't be free of insurgents if I stopped blogging. So just add this page to your favorites and check back every now and then. I guarantee an unique experience for each visit. =D

On to the reasons for this inactivity:
1) School has started for 5 weeks already( could you believe that? I mean i was slacking my life away like a mth ago and 5 weeks of skool had just whooshed by. Amazing.)

2)School= assignments = stress pileup = you-get-wad-i-mean ( actually this semester ain't as bad as the last one. Comparing Sem 1 and Sem 2, Sem 2 pwns Sem 1 hands down.Sem 1 had too many projects and assignments cramped into that 13 or so weeks of school...Almost had our lives... Brrr...)

3)Return of the MMORPGs (recently I've been playing MMOs on a regular basis, although not as regular as during my holz- 10 am to 2am DAILY. Other that the mandatory MapleStory, MU - Continent of Legend has also found its way into my laptop, along with the undying tatical shooter, Gunbound. All three, in the correct mix, serve as anti-stress grenades.

4)Lack of issues to blog( nothing much has been happening, other than my social circle, but more on that later. =D)

5)Plain Laziness ( Self-explanatory =P)

So there you have it my avid readers, the reasons listed by order of preference. So next time, before you think of scolding me for not updating, keep those in mind and prevent yourselves from creating self-fulfilling prophecies. Thks. XD

Moving on. In point 4 of my Reasons, I mentioned something about my social circle. Well, it has widened( sort of), both online and offline. On the online aspect, more aquaintances were made and existing ones strenghtened. We just had a Maple Movie Outing last Monday. Great fun. Old friends were also acknowledged. In short, my cyber friendships have improved.
In the offline realm, more friends have been made. Could've been the time factor, or could have been the school factor, the cultivation of thick-skinness. Either way, I'm glad. =D

Well thats about it. I killed at least a colony of brain cells just to pen this post, so pls pls pls appreciate it. =X Till next time, happy journeying on your quest of life!

2005-10-27T19:19:00.000+08:00

Hey all~!
I apologise for the long pause between this post and the last. Oh wait. Long would be an understatment. Dilatory would be a better word. =D

You see, I had been cooping myself up all day at home during the holidays,playing MapleStory all day long. BUT, I do go out once in a while to gather with frens and well, pretty much just hang out. So thats why I did not update this humble blog of mine. So all my taggers, with the exception of a certain shady individual -_-, FORGIVE MY IMPUDENCE. XD

Moving on to the activity I take part most during the holidays - MAPLESTORY. Here's an image to whet your appetite.

Cute eh? I created this character from an avatar simulator i chanced upon when I was browsing the forums. Here's the link:http://aporo.s54.xrea.com/ Have fun~!

My characters in-game are currently a fire wizard, which also happens to be my sister's account, a bandit-sin, my own character i train when i have the spare time, a warrior which serves as a party quest character as well as a few mule beginners. The following image should pretty much sum up my Maple characters.

YAY. I finally know how to upload images onto a post. -_- Sorry ppl, I lags. =P

I gather once school starts I won't have much time to invest into this marvellous game, and speaking of school I LURRVE my timetable. NO CLASSES ON TUESDAYS~! XD XD How cool is that? WAY cool! One school-less day means I have a day to do what i want, and in this case its to MAPLE! Oh yes, Galileo Cafe allows us to Maple there. =D So ppl who are looking for me, you know where to look.

Thats it, I have updated my blog! Thank you all you taggers for your continuing support for The Silent Cartographer~! This post is dedicated to you all! =D

And 'J', I bet you didn't understand a single word from that previous post. =D

Happy Mapling~!

2005-09-13T21:19:00.000+08:00

The worst has passed. The horrors of the assay of our abilty has left us, leaving us with the luxury of time, a privilege that had avoided us since the education term began. Now its back in our arms, back in our embrace...

However, with each chapter closed, a new one emerges. It is up to the individual to assess these challenges, and make the necessary adjustments, changes, and sacrifices to satisfy the lowest common denominator. No room for mistakes, no room for procrastination. All that matters is the indivdualistic quality of accustomisation and acclimatation, and living through them is all that counts.

A personal doctrine oversees all that you will go through in life, from handling touchy girlfriends to accepting that major corporate rejection. This dogma is crucial and vital for one's survival in this gritty, cut-throat world. One diversion or digression from this corpus of principles might spell certain doom if the individual is not careful. The unitary's own idiosyncrasies may further jeopardise his own fate, if not kept in proper check.

For those utterly without social redeeming value, do not fret. The situation can be salvaged. If you have been blacklisted or condemned from aiding a failed coup-de-grace or foiled diabolical intention, you can recoup your losses, raise refreshed support and try again. However, if your vested or purient interests have time and again compromised your work quality and disrupted the lives and process of a pressing issue, your path to enlightenment would be a tough, if not impossible one. Then again, "there was only one road to freedom, I had no choice".

All of us should practise the prinicple of caveat emptor,and be on your guard at all times. You may never know what is coming, never see what is lying in wait to bring you your untimely demise. A fatal stab in the back is all someone needs to remove your exsistence from the face of the Earth.

***

Thats all I'm going to share with you people for today. Tune in next time for more boring philosophical posts. =)

2005-09-08T22:17:00.000+08:00

MARKETING TERM PROJECT

Instructions and Guidelines

Product Categories for November 2005

One-time-use 2 Step Rocket

Communications Satellite

Group Project

Objective

To check for understanding of the material being presented in the course.
To develop basic investigative and marketing analysis skills.
To demonstrate the ability to apply knowledge learned to a practical problem.
To provide students with opportunities to practice communication skills through interaction with other group members.
To become competent in the writing and presentation of data.
To understand the workflow and execution of creatives in an advertising campaign through an integrated approach in marketing communication.

Scope of the Project

The scope of the project should enable the student to analyse the selected problem, apply appropriate knowledge and to recommend a course of action. This should be done on the basis of the quantitative and qualitative information obtained. Projects that solely describe a certain situation or record basic facts are not acceptable.

Project Details

1. You will assume the role of a marketing team, assigned to describe the marketing plan of a product and its brand in the proposed product category. Each group’s basic assignment is to explain how their chosen product is being marketed. Each group must try to follow guidelines given in the report structure when writing the final report for submission.
2. At the end of the report you are to recommend how to make this product successful in Singapore marketing place and provide a formal presentation to both tutor and client (NASA).
3. Your choice of the product and brand is subject to final approval by your tutor.
4. Each team should have 5 members ideally but not more than 6 members. Any variations will be resolved in class by your tutor.
5. You are encouraged to work on the project throughout the semester to reinforce the course material. Set aside some time every week and work on the project. Do not leave it to last minute. Consistency is the key to success.
6. The report should not be longer than 40 pages (excluding attachments). It should be double-spaced, 12 point font size.
7. Any plagiarism will be dealt with severely.

Project Description

Client: National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA)

Objective:To conduct an exploratory and description research and develop a marketing plan for the above mentioned product categories (choose one per group). The client wishes to know understand the needs and wants of the local market and verify whether a micromarketing approach is needed in the asian market.

One-time-use 2 Step Rocket:

NASA wishes to deveop a space program for land-locked Singapore without disrupting the lives of her nieghbours. Develop a product to suit this.

Communications Satellite:

NASA wishes to help Singapore develop its own satellites. For this, Creative has agreed to join hands with NASA. Develop a product to achieve this goal.

Approach: This project will integrate with the skills learned in your other THREE modules – Graphic Communication, Web Design and Graphics and Location Video Production. The idea generation will be developed in this module, and the execution of ideas or creatives (website, print ads, brochures, bus ads, TV ads, etc) will be developed in the other THREE modules you are enrolled in.

Deliverables:

-A marketing plan that will provide possible product ideas and market opportunities.

-A series of print advertisments(posters,brochures,etc) showcasing your product idea

-A website demonstrating your product

-3 30-sec TV ads showing your product to the target audience

-A final oral presentation will be required to display all works from the 4 affected modules. NASA's team would also be present to judge the sessions.

Note:This is a REAL and VERY POWERFUL CLIENT we are serving!!!Do not screw up!

Assessment Criteria

Marks for the reports will be awarded according to:

-thoroughness of research
-relevant information
-consistency of information
-appropriate use of marketing concepts and terminology
-soundness of recommendations
-application to Singapore as the marketplace
-practicality and creativity (conceptualisation and execution)
-organisation of report

Description & Due Date
Week 4
SWOT & Competitive Analysis
(Country and Industry Profile)

20 Marks

Week 7
Research findings of consumer behaviour (customer profile)
20 Marks

Week 10
Tutorial consultation: submission of Templates 1-4
5 Marks

Week 12
Tutorial consultation: submission of Templates 5
5 Marks

Week 14
Final Submission
-format
-relevancy
-viability
-creativity
-application of concepts to market
30 Marks

Week 15
Oral Presentation
20 Marks

Total…
100 Marks

Resources of Information

-Ngee Ann Polytechnic Library Books (e.g. Rocket Science)

-Ngee Ann Polytechnic Library, Databases (e.g. Global Marketing Database,Reuters Business Briefing)

-Ngee Ann Polytechnic Library, Databases by Title, Kompass.com, The Business to Business Search Engine

-Public Libraries

-Registry of Companies And Businesses, International Plaza, 10 Anson Road, #05-01/15, S079903 (e.g. Business Profile @S$5, Company Annual Report S$1/page)

-Newspapers

-Public Listed Company Annual Reports

-Brochures and Flyers

-Exhibitions

-Magazines

-Advertisements

-Internet Websites

-Department of Statistics, Ministry of Trade & Industry, 100 High Street,
#05-01, The Treasury, S179434

Sample Bibliography in APA Style

Armstrong, G. & Kotler, P. (2000). Marketing: An Introduction. (7th ed.). New Jersey:
Prentice Hall.

2005-09-06T20:46:00.000+08:00

Yet another day.

Another typical day.

I emerged from a fitful slumber at around half past 8, and got ready to proceed to the school campus to start editing our video production. The meeting time was at nine-thirty, but I expected them to be late. As usual.

And I was not disappointed.

The latecomers streamed into the facility one after another, muttering profuse apologies and even the occasional threat. Alas, all these are part and parcel of our very existence, and the best we can do is to take them in our stride. Or, in harsher terms...

Adapt or die.

Life at this phase is rife with trickery, subtlety and subterfuge, either coming from the indvidual himself or from his peers. There is no escape, no hole to dive into for cover if the stresses of sarcasm and hypocrisy are too much for your hulls. One wrong move, one misguided step, one uncontrolled syallable and your life would plunge into the deepest bowels of hell, sworn to eternal purgatory, never to see the light of day again. That is, if your life is still on the tectonic plates of the rotating backwater planet we called home for the past 6 billion years or so.

Life, however hard it might be, is still life. The thing about this phenomenon is that it is so bad that it cannot get worser. That is about the only thing worth rejoicing over about life. However, one is the master of his own destiny, and his very fate lies in his very hands. He shall reap what he sows, and for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. That is the Universal Law, an integral part of the Grand Design, where every being, every particle, every atom, right down to the most minute substance, has a specific role and function to perform in the universe, and if it shoukd fail in its primary task, the entire Design would be thrown off-balance. Take the Solar System for example, without the Sun, there would be no life on Earth. Without Mercury, Earth would take the place of Venus, and the harsh heat would literally evaporate all fluids from the helpless planet. The list could go on and on and on and on...

My my, I'm getting a little too philsophical. That is however, the sad truth, the truth that most of us are afraid to face, much less embrace. Whenever they run into a major problem, they will crumble, and sink into a black hole created by their very consciousness. A dead-end. A stone wall. A cul-de-sac. All describe the helplessness and fultility of the situation, to these pessimists at least. To me(self-proclaimed optimist), every problem has its solution, and its up to the individual to find out where that solution lies. Whether, through, argument, hypothesis or calculus, the answer is out there.

With that, I shall end my post. I do not wish to see my style of writing become my Napolean's Waterloo. To all reading this post, good night.

2005-09-04T22:49:00.000+08:00

WEEEEEEEE~!
Just finished that confounded Flash Assignment, albeit a basic one, but as long it garners me a pass I dun really mind. =)

Today is a hybrid of both sadness and euphoria. Sadness as the 3rd floor study room of Bishan CC is gonna close. T_T In its place is a similar room on the 2nd floor two-thirds its size. Although the physical conditions of the room can be replaced, the winding and twisting paths of memory lane that had built up till now can never be. Oh well, we have to make way for progress.

However, this last day was also filled with fun and excitement. Old memories returned to the room, among which are the 2 ex-Presbyterian High Table Tennis exponents. Judging from their dressing, notes and testimonial evidence surrendered by my sister, they should in a polytechnic by now, most likely Nanyang Poly. Its been a long time since I have seen them.

Last year, when I first step foot onto the room's tiles(thats one small step for me, one giant leap for mankind), they were the among the first people I began to notice. Firstly, of course, were their very-much-above-average-looks, and secondly were their definitely-above-the-national-average height. How tall can they be, you ask? MY HEIGHT. They are 182 cm tall apiece. AND THEY PLAY PING PONG. They are easily the tallest girls-and maybe the tallest people- there in the room. Last year they towered over me, but now we are on par. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Guys: 1, Girls: 1.

Next were a bunch of JC peeps. They love to make so much noise, and took up practically the entire room. ZZZZZZZZZ. And today was peak, the room was fully occupied at about 1230. Yesterday, at the same time, there were still 3 big tables left.

Ok thats it for today, My Date with a Vampire start liao. Till next time~! And Miche, this is your part:Train faster.

2005-09-02T21:46:00.000+08:00

Four down.

Three to go.

Finally, all these would come to an end, these days of pain, days of stress, days of anxiety. In a couple of weeks, all these would vanish into thin air, with only a filmsy piece of paper as a memory of it all. And what a memory it has been.

I awoke early this morning to embark on my quest for knowledge. After the necessary complimentaries, I made my way to the antechamber of wisdom, only to find scholars already there.

I have to awake even earlier tomorrow.

My quest for knowledge was not an easy one, hindered by fatigue, boredom, and the sheer frigidness of the place. It was not an easy task trying to learn under such conditions, but I tried my best, bearing the hope hour after hour that my beacon of hope will arrive.

Jeremy came today, and he did his best to study as well. Alas, he too succumbed to the hellish conditions that had plagued my being. Despite that, both of us continued to strive on, as best we could. My eyes floated to the door every five minutes, wishfully thinking.

At around noon, both of us went for luncheon. The grilled fish on a platter I had was alright, other than the price of it. However, if a certain factor was present it would taste better than foie gras (fwah-grah) and baked potatoes combined. I'm quite sure the innkeeper implemented cost-based pricing for his product lines, but his higher prices were justified by the quality of his product, which fulfilled its core benefit and the actual product did well in conveying this benefit to the consumers, namely me.

After lunch, we headed back. Theories and facts found niches in my neural network, which, day by day, is being taken over by an identified but sadly unstoppable virus. The theories and facts which managed to wrestle a place in my mind from his deadly virus were the lucky ones, the ones that I would most likely remember for life.

Four in the afternoon:snack time. Jeremy and I proceeded to the shopping arcade to purchase some warm sustenance to satiate our hunger. A certain stall sold curry puffs at a dollar each, ten cents more than what I perceived it would be. Whatever happened to the societal marketing concept? Aren't companies supposed to implement marketing mixes that would serve the individual consumer and improve the society as a whole? And the price of a product is part of that marketing mix. Seriously speaking, I am appalled. The service sector has degenerated as of late, with an attitude-deterioation epidemic spreading like wildfire among the salespeople. If I met another one of these species of salepeople, I'll flip. Unless...

Well, the day did not bring anymore surprises. And I'm brought crashing down to Earth once more. ..

2005-08-29T12:03:00.000+08:00

YO all~! Guess wad? Teacher's day is round the corner! Have you gotten something for your favourite teachers yet? No? Well so have i. Anyway they probably dun deserve them but oh well....

Wrapped up filming yesterday, everything went as they should be with minimum mishap. On behalf of my group, I thank Cindy, Hanjie, Jasper, Cheng Yin and Kit Min(in order of appearance) for taking time off from their busy schedules to act for us. We really appreciate it. =)

THE CC'S GONNA CLOSE FOR 5 DAYS!!!! WHERE AM I GOING TO STUDY THEN???? ARGH~!!!!! T_T

Ok thats it for this post, Got no motivation to write longer... So drained... Till next time fellas~! =)